kams22

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  • in reply to: My Symptoms get worse when i date? #67117
    kams22
    Participant

    I’m with you on this – I didn’t get diagnosed until later in life and it explains a lot about my relationships.
    Remember that for people with ADHD, our emotions are very near the surface and are often the first things we notice. Ritalin has helped me a lot with this. It not only slows down my scattered thinking but also my emotions.

    If this isn’t your experience, you need to teach yourself to take things slowly:
    1) feelings are just feelings – they’re not facts. The fact you feel that this person is amazing, wonderful and the answer to everything doesn’t make it true. It’s just how you feel.

    2) Focus instead on what they say, how they treat your and others and how considerate and repsonsible they are. That’s much more important to start with.

    3) We’re good at bouncing back and being forgiving. Don’t do that at the beginning of a relationship – take time to notice things that hurt you and discuss them. This will save a lot of heartache later on when you’ve been to afraid to challenge things and you later have to end it. Again.

    4) Keep a reign on your splurging / positive talk. It can be scary for the other person because it sounds too much too soon, and it is. Remind yourself to let the other person do more talking so you can get to know them before you throw your heart at them. If necessary, find a not too noticeable way to put a finger on your lips/hand over your mouth to remind you! Don’t give too much of yourself away – stay in control of yourself and your emotions and take it slow. You won’t lose anything if it’s worth having.

    in reply to: Struggling with ADHD as an adult. #67116
    kams22
    Participant

    Hi there

    You’re not alone with this. The key is to get paid to do what you love – obviously easier said than done.
    1) Settle for something low level that isn’t challenging enough to get you fired. not satisfying but it will enable you to survive while you find the job you really want.
    2) Find out what you love doing – this might be a hobby or whatever your default position is when you don’t want to do something annoying!
    3) When you figure out what this is, you need to be brave and put it out there. This can be the hardest thing. Put it on social media. It doesn’t have to be music – it can be whatever you love.
    4) This can bring you good connections and lead to Working for yourself – a good end goal, especially if you can eventually find someone to work with who’s good in your weak areas.

    Wishing you all the best with your search. Don’t give up – it can take a while. And don’t forget we have so many creative, planning and enthusiasm skills that leave others trailing behind. #Not defective – just different.

    in reply to: Financial mess and shame #54054
    kams22
    Participant

    Dear ADDexhausted

    There is a way out of this but you will just need to find some courage to make the first step. I was diagnosed at age 53 a couple of years ago, and it explained a lot. First of all, stop beating yourself up and put the past behind you. You have a condition which got you in to this and that can change. Today is the first day of a new start and you can go forward from here.

    1. Find a calm, quiet space and write down how you feel and what you want to happen. It’s good to get things clear in your own head.

    2. Speak to your wife if you haven’t already – show her the email.

    3. Don’t focus on guilt and shame – learn from it and move on. Acknowledge the reality of the situation, your part in it and your desire to put things right, but refuse to be the bad guy or the victim. You’re not a flaky, irresponsible person – you have a condition that causes you to act this way sometimes.

    4. Give control of the finances to your wife and ask her for an allowance. Give her your bank cards. This is necessary for you to set new spending limits. Being a man isn’t about controlling the money – it’s about controlling yourself.

    5. Pray for a job that you can do – I’m serious. I did this, started with 1 day a week basic and am now working 25 hours a day doing something I love and am good at, for the same small organisation.

    6. Take your medication – methylphenidate (40mg per day) has made all the difference to my life. It makes impossibly stressful tasks (opening mail, dealing with finances, tidying the house) seem normal and do-able, and I do them, without feeling stressed or overwhelmed. It removes my anxiety and helps me see the wood from the trees.

    7. Start to develop a very basic routine / check list – ask your wife to prompt you with this, and stick to it. Once you’ve started, it’s so much easier to continue.

    I don’t know if you’re a person of faith, but if so (or even if not) there is always forgiveness and a new beginning on offer, whatever happens now. Life is for living and using your talents – not living in regret and fear of the future.

    All the best.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by kams22.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by kams22.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by kams22.
    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Penny Williams.
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