My Forum Comments
Relationships develop habits, routines, and patterns that are often hard to recognize or break through. When two people are both deeply reactive to each other, it’s hard to get a clear picture of what’s going on. Maybe it’s time to break through the patterns that aren’t working for your relationship.
This type of behavior can be bullying. It can be related to ADHD. But it is also unacceptable. It’s unhealthy and damaging to the whole family.
1. Step back, catch your breath and clear your head. You might be stuck in an old beahvior pattern that needs readjusting. Try not to respond or react to your husband’s comments for a short time. Also, don’t make any demands on him- just for a little bit. Give yourself time to step back from the situation so you can have a clearer picture of what’s really going on. After that, you can take action to create a change.
2. Stop avoiding the real problem. It’s easy to blame ADHD. But just because someone has ADHD doesn’t mean they don’t have to work to improve their harmful behaviors. ADHD isn’t an excuse for abusive behavior. Isn’t it time to have a conversation about the real problem? If ADHD is causing these behaviors, don’t you think it’s time your husband start taking action to heal the environment in your home? When stuck in patterns, it’s hard to have a rational conversation. The tension both poeple feel is too intense. But, you can’t avoid a conversation forever. Seek professional help.
3. Get help. Since the tension is too high, have you considered going to a therapist or ADHD Coach to help you figure out how to have a conversation with your husband- about how you both feel- and what you can both do to repair the situation? Ignoring it won’t make it go away. One partner has to take the initative towards change. When children are involved, they are affected too. This is not only about your marriage, it’s your family.
4. Medication doesn’t solve every problem. Medication is helpful, but it doesn’t correct every behavior. The ADHDer needs to take responsibility for correcting himself. When you have ADHD, it’s often hard to see the effect you are having on others, the people you love the those who love you. These issues can be worked on with a qualified therapist or ADHD Coach. Help is available.