My Forum Comments
Adding something I have observed – – in others and myself. It takes a lot of energy to keep some reactions under control, whether its trying super hard to focus, or to maintain some sort of “good” behavior – just to operate in ways that don’t come naturally.
What some outsiders – or family members – see as inconsequential variations in routine – are disruptions which throw us because we have no more energy reserves left to draw upon. We were using everything we had to approximate what we thought was “normal.”
Eg, like the “Red Queen” effect( Alice in Wonderland…) we were already running just as fast as we could just to stay in place, and then we tripped
This post – these comments – are so reassuring. I was that kid too – except that I tightly controlled most reactions in public – but could go haywire with my family when something was changed.
When it came to changes in the people in my life, I was in a family that didn’t express feelings very much, and couldn’t allow me to be sad, and what I learned was to shut down the grief.
It was like I had learned two complementary dysfunctional coping mechanisms: losing it over supposedly little things; or repressing feelings over the things that mattered. With the repression, as an adult I would tell myself that I was being mature and calm, but others saw me as aloof. And it was just a brittle boundary. It led to terminating relationships because I would not stay in touch with those who “left” me. Now I can see that there was crazy logic in this – for a powerless kid.
T Agian thanks for sharing. This is truly a place to learn about real life add consequences, and coping.
This is a FWIW contribution. Not direct advice. Just about an adult’s long trajectory.
My ex Sig other — per descriptions his own mother gave me of times when she had no idea what was happening – exhibited signs of ODD when he was young ( there were some descriptions dental and dr appointments where the Drs told her never to darken their door again). All this was long before anyone knew of ODD or ADHD etc.
The negative thing from this that he always retained was a mulish refusal to change ideas, and inability to hear feedback or intuit others’ feelings. He sometimes needs to be removed from a situation – or hear it from a neutral source (PBS) to see the other side. He also was likely hyperactive, but that was channeled into sports and constant activity (altho’ smallish, he was good at most sports) As an adult, his “hyperactivity” was channeled into much better than average mechanical abilities and work that required making things ( he did get a Mechanical Engineering degree, altho’ had to return to school as an adult to settle down to do the academic work) He had the ability to keep at anything he was interested in doing – and nothing else ( Could there be some ASD in this. Yup)
SO blah, blah: the point: he has made many friends over the years. He’h had good jobs – not those requiring a lot of people skills – but has done the best in starting /running his own businesses ( a horrible delegator, but that’s another topic). I have had him drive me nuts with obsessiveness about some issues. But he made a very full life, using all of his traits – – Not perfect but full.