My Forum Comments
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through. I’ve been going through a kind of burnout at work off and on. I find that taking time every week to do something that is creative helps me to feel refreshed and energized better than any rest I could take. I’d definitely take a look at everything you are doing and seeing if you have too much. It seems like you have a lot on your plate and I think that many of us with ADHD feel that we have to do everything or we are some how deficient. But the truth is that no one can do everything and we often take on far more things at once than we can handle and somehow we think it’s normal and our fault when things go wrong.
As far as work, just try keeping your thoughts to yourself for a while and definitely don’t mention your ADHD there. Many people, thought they might normally be kind, view things like that as an excuse for not doing things right or to want special treatment. It’s just kind of how we’ve been taught to think. Instead try to journal (digital works best for me, I use Evernote) some of those thoughts and feelings. It may help you to see why some things would or wouldn’t work so you can sort through all of your ideas a suggestions and you can complain as much as you want and not have to worry about anyone’s feelings. If you need special accommodations at work try to find strategies that you can do by yourself such as wearing head phones to cut out distractions or making mundane work tasks into mini challenges or games in your mind. It might sound childish but it helped me keep my focus when I needed it on the task at hand but it was super boring. If others ask why you are doing something a certain way just tell them it helps you concentrate or you found it’s more efficient. They may think it’s a little quirky but unlike when you mention ADHD they won’t think you need special help, they’ll just accept it as is. Because humans are weird that way.
Also, yes, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can really help over time. It might not be helpful for everyone but it can help you to find alternative ways to get things done. Our main problem is that we live in a world that is set up to be optimal for everyone else but not for those who are neuro-divergent like us. So our best strategy is just to find out little hacks and ways to work around our differences to get the same tasks accomplished. It’s a bit unfair that we have to work harder to do some of the same things but we tend to be more awesome than most people so I think that makes up for it. lol But seriously, not only can CBT help you to find strategies that work for you but it can also help you to learn when you are being too hard on yourself because that stuff can be crippling all by itself.January 16, 2019 at 12:43 am in reply to: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? This is what's ruining my life? #106831
Hey Ranma. I have RSD too, or so I believe taking the test but I only got a 67%, still, I think mine is worse than the test thinks because I have other issues which counter acted some of those issues. Also, I have gone through a lot of growth and healing in that area. I attribute it to reading a lot of articles about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It really has helped me to see and therefore change some of the negative cycles of thinking that I was in. I’m still working on it and I still have a long way to go. Having ADHD doesn’t make it any easier most of the time either but I hope you know that there is hope and your situation can change.
If your insurance will cover it I suggest going to see a therapist who is trained in CBT because they can start the wheels turning and the change coming.
It was my friend who helped me realize that my view of myself was very distorted compared to the reality of the situation. I also happened to be learning about psychology in school at the time and so gained interest in it and learned a lot about myself and how to handle those critical thoughts more clearly.
Here’s how it happened for me in a few small steps.
One day I was berating myself over something small and I was sitting down wanting to start something and I started to really hear some of the negative and insulting things I was saying to myself.
Once I realized I was saying these things to myself I was able to see how different who I thought I was, was from who my roommate thought I was. I thought I was lazy and always making mistakes (aka stupid) she thought I was very hard working and would often find herself in awe of all the things I got accomplished.
After that I took a few times to listen to and follow my train of thought when I would start berating myself. It would start out calm and small and then it would turn really ugly and horrible. That’s when I started to see what I really thought of myself. My friend helped me to see that it wasn’t true (we are very close and I trust her judgement and that she is being truthful and not going easy on me).
So, whenever I would start doing that in the future, before I could end up in a downward spiral I would stop myself and say, no, that’s not true, this is what is true instead. Which might look like this; I did something that I think was selfish: I am a selfish person, I always hurt the people around me, I only think about myself. I’m so lazy and unmotivated, I can never get anything right, that’s why I always let people down because I’m only thinking of myself, and so on and so on (trust me, it gets much worse if I let it continue). But now I can tell myself; no, that’s not true, I’m not a selfish person. In fact, I often put others above myself and I spend a lot of time worrying about how I can help others or what I can do to not hurt other people. I enjoy being around people and I like making them happy, that’s why I’m worrying about being selfish, because I don’t want to hurt someone else. I may have said the wrong thing there or I maybe completely blowing things out of proportion because I felt like I did something for myself rather than doing something for someone else like I always do. That doesn’t make me selfish, that just makes me human and it’s ok to want things for myself and to want to be happy.
That’s kind of how it goes. Over time you start to see how, the way that you view yourself is distorted from what is actually the reality of the situation. Because you can see it and see the truth a lot clearer, you can now guide yourself out of your negative spirals. Sometimes you need help from others, some times you just need a little self-love but it can really help a lot.
I don’t know if I made this clear but I feel like this RSD comes from perfectionism and holding yourself to unrealistic standards (mine was that if I’m not always thinking about other people and walking on eggshells around them to make sure that they stay happy then I’m a bad person and selfish). It takes time and reflection but for me it has spread to other areas of my life because it helps me to see things in a different view than just my distorted one.
Your mind is telling you that you will be let go at this new job (possibly because you make mistakes or don’t feel that you’re good enough?) so your anxiety comes into play and brings up all the times you failed before and reminds you that this is the inevitable outcome. But, that’s not true. I’m assuming that the job you are at is probably the same as the one you want to go into. You haven’t been fired there yet so you must be doing something right. If you can do your job where you are, why would it be any different at a new job? Now, let’s say things are different at your new job and for some reason you get let go. Chances are that you can find another job that is similar to the first job and they will probably keep you. So, even if you leave this job and end up basically right back where you started (albeit at another workplace) you haven’t really lost anything by leaving. Your just somewhere new.
That is unless there are other factors at play, which there very well might be. So, the question is, is it worse to stay at the job where you are and being unhappy and unable to get good insurance. Or is it better to try the new job and have things work out right? Because chances are, even if you fail, you’ll only end up right back in the same place. But, if you don’t fail, your situation has much improved by you taking a risk and trying it. You could also tell yourself that it doesn’t hurt to apply. Chances are just sending them your resume and applying isn’t going to get you fired from your current work place so just applying leaves you in no worse situation than before, instead it gives you an opportunity to improve your situation.
Confidence in your abilities is hard to come by, especially since you have a distorted view of yourself and reality. But with time it can get better. I hope that you make the choice that is right for you. Even if it’s months or years from now, working on your Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help a lot. Having access to a therapist who can provide feedback and give you some outside perspective can help.
I also find it helpful when dealing with anxiety to realize that anxiety is perfectly normal. It’s normal to feel anxious and worried. It’s something everyone does from time to time. Our problem is that we feel it more often and more intensely but there is nothing wrong with feeling it. It helps me to remind myself of this because I feel so different from most people. I often feel like an other. But knowing that other people suffer with what I suffer from makes me feel like I’m not so different. It makes me feel like it’s ok to be me. Because it is ok. We are all just people and we are all different but we can work with what we’ve got and make the best of the situation.
I hope that some of what I said was helpful. I might have rambled on a bit there. Anyway, I hope that you find strategies that work for you that can help you manage your condition. I hope that you get a new job with better insurance so you can take good care of yourself and maybe you can even afford to start taking anxiety medicine and that will help to take some of the load off your shoulders. Good luck.
Hi there. I agree with the other two posters. I would definitely try to find some way to put the phone somewhere that is out of sight so that you don’t reach for it. It will take some time and effort so if you find yourself reaching for or missing your phone then don’t beat yourself up about it. (I know I often do which only makes it worse for me) Instead realize that it’s normal and that it will take time but, that it’s OK not to be perfect. Also, both posters had the good idea of slowly putting away the phone longer and longer over time. It can help to ease the transition although, it may not be the right move for everyone. The key is to find strategies that fit you.
Also, there may be under lying conditions that are helping to aid you in your phone use.
One of them might be that you need some downtime when you get home so you turn to the easiest source, your phone and then you get distracted. If this is the case then you might be able to work through it by putting your phone away immediately and doing something that you enjoy or something that makes you feel treated. Probably not something to do with a screen. You could lay on the couch and read a book, you could take a nice long bath. Or you can do a task, if you like crocheting you might give this time to yourself to do that. You could write in a journal, take a nap, stretch/exercise, etc. It really depends on where this is coming from. If you’re physically tired after work you might be more focused on resting if you’re mentally tired you might be more focused on either resting your mind or providing it with stimulation that is fun and interesting to it. I would putting your phone out of reach/view for you and setting a time limit (with an alarm) for when you will stop doing whatever it is. It could be something as simple as 5-15mins. or an hour. If a shorter time doesn’t work for you then make it longer. If something isn’t working then change it as needed. Then afterwards, make sure that you also set some time to talk or spend time with your children. Don’t focus as much on the length of time (this can trigger guilt sometimes) focus more on the quality of time. This is time where you will give your kids your undivided attention for however long. Then make dinner.
Another possibility could be that you are feeling overwhelmed by the number of things to do. It sounds like you might be feeling overwhelmed trying to manage everything. I understand that and can feel it as well. This might mean that you need more self-care time and focus on implementing the strategies you already know of rather than spending time looking for new ones. If you want to spend some time looking up new strategies I would suggest setting aside a time of the day to make it happen. Also, set some time aside for reflection. We all need to make sure that we are correctly seeing the efforts that we put in on a daily basis (and showing ourselves love for it) rather than focusing on all the things we aren’t doing. Stress can make it hard to act at all and if you are feeling overwhelmed you might have too much going on or may need to ask for help. Despite what society says, we don’t have to do it all.
And, lastly, you might be feeling lonely and isolated in some way. I know that many people who are addicted to their phones feel that way. With a phone you can have immediate feedback. For people with ADHD it’s probably harder to control because we like having immediate satisfaction. If you are a sociable person then you might feel like the phone is your portal to the outside world and even though it might leave you unsatisfied in the end, for those few seconds where you get a response, it feels really good. If you think that it might be isolation or feeling lonely then taking time to connect with people in your life or scheduling time to socialize (even if it’s just once a week) can help. It’s ok and perfectly normal to feel lonely and to want people to spend time with (I often suffer from feeling shame and like I’m a burden to others so I may be projecting but I wanted to include it in case you were feeling the same way). We are a social species and it can help us feel calmer when we feel less alone. Perhaps take some time to reach out to a person everyday or once a week just so you are getting your needs met. If you are feeling like a burden to others, just keep in mind how nice it feels when someone calls you out of the blue.
Also, if you’re anything like me, you might be procrastinating on spending your time with your kids simply because you feel guilty about not spending time with them. You panic because you think you will be on your phone again and ‘fail’ at being a good parent. But if your children are well loved and have their basic needs being met then you are probably doing just fine. Yes, it would be nice to spend a little extra time with them but it’s also not something you need to feel guilty about. No parent is perfect and that’s ok, kids get along just fine with loving, caring parents, they don’t need perfect ones. If this is the case, take some time to remind yourself that it’s ok not to be perfect. Also, reflect on the time that you do spend with them. Think about how long that is and what the quality is. For example, do you really think that every parent needs to spend every minute of everyday doing nothing but doting on and supporting their children? If it was your friend who did a lot but couldn’t see it you’d probably tell her that it’s perfectly ok to take a little me time and that she is doing a great job as is. Be that friend to yourself. I have perfectionism and often hold myself to unrealistic ideas of who I should be and how I should spend my time. It has only be recently that I’ve realized how truly hard on myself I am. One thing that helps is when I am feeling frustrated for not doing or being something, I ask myself, if this was someone else, would I expect this of them on a regular basis doing exactly what I expect of myself? It’s fine to have goals and to want to improve but if you find that your expectations seem to unattainable for someone else, then it probably is for you as well.
I hope that some of this might help. I know that some of the things I struggle with benefit from these things but what you struggle with might be completely different. I hope that either way, you find strategies that work for you and that you give yourself the flexibility to make them work even when they aren’t perfect.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by JadeFlores.