My Forum Comments
Try to look at this from her perspective: you didn’t address something highly hurtful to her for many years and now confront her about depression , which might even be not depression but merely reaction to your symptoms and grief. Don’t make it feel like she owes you that because she doesn’t.
Would you wind sharing how your denial ended? What or who caused things to change?
Also, I’d like to share that in my case husband confronting me about my depression made damage in the relationship grow tenfold. Is he’s “ depression “ officially diagnosed? What may look like depression to you may actually be grief about the relationship she had. And grief about one she wanted and didn’t get.
Awhile ago I read the research that concluded that if women’s depression was caused by her unsatisfying relationship with significant one pills will help for short while ( by numbing the pain) but then depression will return despite medications taken if circumstances remain same.
DONT confront her…
If you do, maximum she will do is hide sadness and end up with nervous breakdown.
Sounds like my marriage:(
I know he won’t change. I do not even need him to change now. The times when I NEEDED his support ( like pregnancy and kids baby/ toddler years) are passed. I can manage that on my own now. But throwing years of effort and ending up on the street and never seeing my kids again? NO. That would be the END for me. A bit early at 30 something:( so I guess I’ll keep believing in miracles, all of them excluding him changing.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by hopelessme.
It looks more like I’m on his team trying to take care about “ insignificant “ day to day things so he can chase his brilliant dreams. He is indeed smart but has started many many projects and finished very few.
In many articles I read there’s a line like “ cherish your adhd partner, support him, understand his struggles “ . A agree. But same should apply to a “ non” partner – I also deserve to be cherished, supported, understood. Marriage is very much a two way street. No, I do not think he think I’m brilliant. But that does not matter. Because I know I am. I look like a model, I’m very well educated, I’m 100% faithful, very respectful and – I’m still supportive, still trying to make things work between us. In the end , everyone will get what they deserve and I’m very much striving to do my best
I know it takes two to destroy marriage. The problem is he thinks all blame for that is on me. Entirely. That breaks my back:( I thought hard and can’t see myself betraying him in any way possible. I’ve always being faithful, I supported his dreams to the max. Some of them I personally wasn’t comfortable with but still agreed to him proceeding to keep him happy and inspired. He sees my sadness ( despair by now) as sign of depression. Since I’m depressed in his eyes my perception is not accurate and I can’t have good judgment. He knows I’m unhappy. He also knows I’ve being approaching and re approaching the painful dynamics between us for years. He also knows I’ ve being showing that I care enough to not give up on us for years. Was I unhappy? yes! But alone with that not a single thing he did for me or family went unnoticed. I was openly grateful and celebrated every single win he had. Many times I asked how I can be better for him and what he wants adjusted in our life. If he indeed gave up on me at least I know I’ve done everything I could. His forgetfulness, lack of focus, disorganization, many started and never furnished projects I learned to live with very early on. Not even bringing it up anymore. It’s the fact that he does not trust my judgment, blames me for everything wrong in the marriage and explodes when I try to talk to him that is killing me. I choose my words super carefully when addressing him, thinking about all possibilities of how he could interpret them . I’m trying to avoid triggering his defensiveness, because that escalated fast into explosion. But so far I could not find a way to address any issues between us. He never tries to fix anything or express what would make life better for him.
I’m not monitoring his meds, I’m not saying anything that is even remotely critical. In fact I’m not saying much apart from expressing my agreement when appropriate. Inside my head though I’m almost screaming “ I want to talk to you. For real. Deeply. About things that are on my mind. I do not grow apart and become strangers. Because that is who we are becoming with this broken communication:(“ I want real conversation in which he would open up , I would open up and become closer( that only happened in courtship period) .
I would never go against my husband
- This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by hopelessme.
😔 is he adhd,narcissist, both? Is he doing what he’s doing on purpose? Is he even aware of what he’s doing and how it affects me? I did tell him ( politely , calmly, gently) . But that does not mean he even remembers. Or he might just not care?
The truth is , I do not know, and I will not know. My dream ( DREAM, big one) is to be able to talk to him without risking ( 99% likely) his outburst. I want to not fear talking to him, but now I get panic attack even from thinking about addressing anything with him. Or sending him s letter. Or an article. Last time I sent him an article ( m.Orlov’s one) I was so terrified of his reaction that it took me all my willpower to not run away.( I know it sounds insane and overreacting.) He didn’t even read it. And blamed me for that.
I’m just so lost. I have no idea who he is anymore. For about a month he stopped blaming me . I have no idea what it means. Is it a trap? I just can’t trust him anymore. I want to find out the truth but can’t risk talking, because if he blows up one more time on me – I will be GONE
He went to psy evaluation to get diagnosed in order to get this medication. I’m now wondering how true is his diagnosis. He could have easily lied given the end goal in his mind. The fact that he got highest dosage and refuses to switch/ adjust it even though I pointed out the crash/ withdrawal symptoms makes me wonder even more….:(
If it’s ok with you, would you mind sharing how you realized ADHD symptoms had an effect on your marriage/ spouse? And if you ever was in denial about it, what helped to realize the reality?
I’m in constant pain ( full body pain) , 80 % of the time I’m having severe headaches, according to physician I’m healthy but I cannot function now. I’m spent and would be on the street if I left since I cannot work. Of course I would not drag kids with me. I would not ever do anything to hurt their wellbeing, for me to leave would mean “ disappear into the night and never see them again”.
I’m trying to avoid that scenario.
I made a terrible mistake once and it will cost me my life
Thank you for writing and being here for me now. I am not alone because of that. You are not alone too. Anytime you need, please write and Ill be here for you . Recovering after night arguments are hardest. The last one I had with my husband was barely an argument. Usually when I put my head on the pillow my tears start rolling ( yes, I know , I’m broken quite a bit) .so he asked “ what’s up”and I ( yes, hope dies last) said “ Im grieving about how our relationship went and having hard time accepting it” . And? He said “ makes no sense to me “ and turned away. Done. I’m not allowed to disturb him at night or he goes raging. That left me torn apart and for a while howling almost like an animal and not a person anymore. Next morning he acted Like nothing happened. And I tried to act calm because showing any pain or sadness costs me a lot with him.
I’m glad you sam me as optimist. Maybe I do indeed have it in me 🙂 hopefully.
I now know I am. Found out gradually over last few months. I know I have to go. And I would be able to let go of that love dream. I just can’t leave kids. So I stay.
What you described sounds just like me. Exept we are married with 2 kids. Kids are safe. But getting increasingly aware of me breaking down and crying too much lately. I do realize I canNot change him now. Because de does not see any need for change. For him, everything is fine if I do not cry. If ( when) I do cry he sees it as nothing to do with him and a sign of me being crazy. So yes, I realize change is not possible. Can I go? No, because if I do, I will not see kids again ( I’m not American ). So in reality I face another question: how to stay for kids but not loose my mind from pain at the same time?
Yes… when I read his post what you wrote crossed my mind too. It felt like lashing out right off the bat:(