Hope @ ADDitude

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  • in reply to: Spouse possibly has ADHD – not sure what to do next #41337

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user John Tucker, PhD, ACG. ADHD Coach in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    This is a trying time for you and him so being impatient at times is quite normal but bless you for your inquiring spirit and the patience that you do have.

    ADHD can be quite disabling even though it is, more or less, invisible. So you are right about it’s being out of control at the moment.

    You are describing a man who knows and feels all is not well but does not know how to make it well. The things he says and does are not quite right and he does not know how to make them right. He is inattentive, distracted, and lost.

    Going to a provider or clinic which specializes in ADHD is a very good idea and joining ADHD support groups is also very helpful.

    Your husband can thrive with a clear knowledge of this syndrome and the continued empathy you have shown. The good news is that there are legions of very happy, productive and successful people with this diagnosis.

  • in reply to: Spouse possibly has ADHD – not sure what to do next #41336

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user ADHDmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    There are so many adults who describe taking antidepressants for years with not positive results, only to later be diagnosed with ADHD, presenting with the overlapping symptoms with depression.
    https://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/139/slide-4.html
    https://www.additudemag.com/slideshow/174/slide-1.html

    The great news is that he knows something is off and he’s taking steps to try to remedy it. You are way ahead of many other spouses to ADHD in that regard. Since one has to want help to accept it, he’s already started the process successfully.

    Since the psychiatrist suspects ADHD, I’d support him in requesting an evaluation. If he’s diagnosed with ADHD, then treatment becomes available to him, and that can make a huge difference.
    https://www.additudemag.com/resource-center/adhd-100-days.html

    Lastly, read all you can about ADHD. The more you understand it, the easier it will be to deal with.

    Penny
    ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • in reply to: Looking for options and resources #41330

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user ADHDmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    I think setting realistic expectations of your husband is where you must start. You say, “I am willing to give it another year to see permanent change and growth in his behavior and character.”

    There is no cure for ADHD. Permanent change isn’t possible. Effective treatment and working toward improvement is possible, and it sounds like your husband has taken that step.

    ADHD is not a character flaw, it is a physiological difference in the brain—a disability. https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1017.html

    While he’s working on therapy and medication for treatment and improvement, continue your own therapy and learn all you can about ADHD:
    https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1030.html
    https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/3239.html
    https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1593.html
    Penny
    ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • in reply to: Looking for options and resources #41327

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Bob@addventurecoaching.com in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    I have been in the same situation as your husband. We men tend to find it difficult to ask for help. I was reading attitude magazine and the article asked: “are you ready for a coach?” That question started me on a career to become an ADHD coach and seven years later I still can’t do without my coach. I now have a terrific relationship with my wife.
    Ari Tuckman wrote the book and has an excellent website entitled “Understand Your Brain Get More Done”. The book focuses on understanding the executive function deficits that hold us back and finding strategies to make it easier to get started on those tasks that you mentioned.
    These are the four things that he recommends from a clinical standpoint.
    • Family education as a clinical intervention.
    • Effective medication options.
    • Coaching for better time management, organization, and self-esteem issues.
    • Cognitive behavioral therapy for depression, anxiety, and more.
    A well-trained ADHD coach can help you coordinate all of these elements that are essential to a highly fulfilled life.

    Bob Hathcock – ADDventure Coaching

  • in reply to: Looking for options and resources #41325

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Mitzi McPike in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Hello Mochadia,

    I have to say reading your post I felt exhausted for you and I felt myself cringing. I used to be a lot like your husband. I never had any car accidents, but I was definitely out of control except I didn’t know I had ADHD until I was 49.

    You mention he is finally taking medication. Congratulations! The right medication can make a world of difference. I hope he is feeling better and slowing down.

    Something to remember with ADHD is that you are dealing with an imbalanced brain. The imbalance causes symptoms. Like your husband I had a “non-stop” motor. I operated full speed ahead 24/7. I also had symptoms of extreme anxiety, impulsiveness, overreactiveness and would lash out in fits of rage. I believe immaturity is par for the course. Maturity is very difficult with an imbalanced brain.

    When I was diagnosed I had this image of driving down the highway going 65mph with my hands on the steering wheel with no brakes. I realized for the first time in my life just how terrified I was. I had no control over my body. This may or may not be true for anyone else with Hyperactive/Impulsive Type, but I didn’t realize this until I started on Ritalin. Then I calmed down on the inside. I felt for the first time what being grounded was like.

    The right medication is definitely a plus with managing ADHD symptoms. Sometimes you have adjust the dosage. The fact that he is finally willing to try it is huge. I hope it works well for him.

    Something else to consider since you are looking into all options is Neurofeedback. This is a simple and painless way to bring balance to the brain. It is recommended to have between 20-40 sessions. I had 24 sessions and it brought permanent balance to my brain.

    I no longer run on impulse, absolutely no anxiety (which is unbelievable because I lived in a chronic state of anxiety til I was 49) no issues of rage and wake up every day feeling grounded.

    In fact the only time I have felt truly anxious in the past year was when I was hospitalized with pneumonia and close to death (definitely appropriate then), but it passed quickly when I learned I would live.

    Neurofeedback definitely works different for everyone, but the beauty of it is that you don’t do it forever.

    You know I come across people almost every day that run on motors. In fact my husband’s best friend has undiagnosed ADHD and I feel such gratitude. I no longer have a chaotic life. My outside world finally reflects my inside world.

    Good Luck to you! This is a great site for support.

    Mitzi

  • in reply to: Looking for options and resources #41322

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user spage_hasADD in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Hi Mochadia,
    I feel your frustration. I am the husband (53) with ADHD married 23 years to non-ADD wife (54) and we’ve had our battles. I was just let go from my job last month because I was always late to meetings and not being prepared. This is my 5th job loss since we’ve been married but this one hit her harder than the rest. My wife keeps demanding me to change into something impossible for me to be. Your husband can improve with medication, counseling, and coaching but he cannot change completely and will take time.. You have to decide weather you can be happy staying with your husband and accept the way he is knowing he will never grow out of it. He will most likely continue to forget appointments, neglect house chores, have employment problems, and future accidents if still allowed to drive. That also concerns me for your safety and others if riding in a car with him driving. Based on what you’ve said, I’d never get in a car with him behind the wheel. I wish you and also your husband a lifetime of happiness.

  • in reply to: He Won't Talk About it… #41316

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user ADHDmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    The first thing you have to recognize is that nothing will change until he’s open to it. The more you push and prod about something he’s not ready to address, the more he will close off.

    It sounds like he feels pretty bad about himself and that’s the approach that will most likely yield some action. Stop talking about ADHD altogether and start talking about wanting him to be happy. What does he need to be happy? How can you help him in that area?

    Talking about ADHD feels like you think he’s “broken” or “defective.” Talking about wanting him to be happy sounds like you care.

    Here are a few articles on ADHD in relationships and when adults refuse to acknowledge their ADHD or get treatment:
    https://www.additudemag.com/q&a/ask_the_adult_add_expert/6964.html
    https://www.additudemag.com/adhdblogs/11/9828.html
    https://www.additudemag.com/topic/adult-add-adhd/friends-relationships.html

    Penny
    ADDconnect Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • in reply to: Struggling to cope #41302

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Dal82 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    There are many good points that people have added and those who are the partners shadowed in our daily chaos (yep, I’m an ADHDer) are often left drained and exhausted from the burden of being forced to bring the order and pick up the scattered trail of half finished tasks on a daily basis. Friend, when we’re at our worst, we’re your personal cyclone that targeted your house and left everyone’s backyard in pristine condition. For that alone, you have every right to ask the big questions. As unfair as it is, we’d be lost without partners like you so vent away!

    On another note, don’t let this be a life sentence for you. The process is hard and meds do bring awareness but like others have said, it’s not the answer to it all. A psychologist who specialises in the area becomes our life coach. It’s important (like all disorders) that you find one your soon-to-be-hubby clicks with. Mine has taught me life skills, why I think the way I do, essential vitamins, SLEEP and how bringing a sense of order is hard work but enables us to stand tall. And once we learn that and accept that it doesn’t come naturally but especially now, we hear who we are and how to manage ourselves.

    ADHD or not—your partner has a responsibility to look out for you too. I’m sure he is great: unorganised, forgetful, child-like… but spontaneous, intuitive and creative, right? Once diagnosed, go to therapy together so you’re not learning how to work around him but he learns how to work around you.

    Look, relationships are hard even before taking on a role but I certainly do think that there is a way to work it out. Hell, I’m a single father and my relationship ended- much because of these very reasons (we’ve moved on and remain close friends). You’re doing the right thing by getting answers before jumping in and even though my ex-wife and I have no intentions of getting back together, I put her through a lot when undiagnosed. Without her, I’d have just kept going round and round.

    I wish you all the best whatever you decide. I hope you learn how to support each other because it’s your relationship too x

  • in reply to: Struggling to cope #41281

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user mamabean in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    First, I want to say I do understand completely. My spouse has ADHD…we’ve been married for over 20 years…and I can relate to all you’ve written.

    He was on medication for over a decade. Over time though, stimulants are very hard on a person’s body and ultimately, he decided to go med-free.

    While getting an evaluation is important (crucial) and you may end up going the route of medication…you should understand that it will not make all the hard stuff go away.

    Our experience was that meds made my husband “feel” better (or more in control) but in reality, it did nothing to help his functionality. It only helped him feel more mentally calm…but he still did all the same maddening things as before…bad memory, lack of focus, losing things all the time, poor impulse control, angry outbursts, anxiety, etc.

    Before you marry this person, you should decide if you can live as you are living now for the rest of your life. Circumstances are most likely not going to change much. Yes, he can take meds and get counseling and those things may help “some”…but, you will never have a 50/50 partner.

    Friend, you will be “giving” in a sacrificial way for the entirety of your marriage. And it will be a DEEP form of sacrifice…since you will always have to give more than you will receive in return. Plus, if you decide to have children, you will often feel like a single parent. You WILL be managing everything for everyone.

    I don’t say this to scare you, but I wish someone had told me what my life was going to look like before I married a partner with ADHD. You are right, it is also very hard on them because they know they are the source of all this frustration and burden (at times).

    But, I guarantee you this will be the hardest thing you ever take on.

    What I am saying may not be “politically correct” but it is the truth. I’ve noticed on this site that there isn’t always a lot of support for spouses of partners with ADHD to express how difficult life is…like somehow it is rude to be honest about it.

    But, truly, with so much written with the focus on the person with ADHD…spouses can very easily feel invisible and forgotten. Don’t let that happen to you!

  • in reply to: Struggling to cope #41280

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Philippe in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    My partner has been diagnosed pretty late in her life, in much the same way as yours. Being diagnosed is very important, I think, to get the measure of the problem. I recommend reading the works of Russell Barkley about ADHD.

    We have got into very bad habits too, with me taking the bulk of the family charges and her trying to get on with life. Her professional life as an artist is a wreck and, although she got quite a lot of diplomas of all sorts, she has never had a proper job over a reasonable period of time in her life. She’s now thinking of taking the first cheap job she can grab.

    The problem was made even more complex by my own story: I have been sexually exploited since I was very young. She tried to help me with all her ADHD enthusiasm and commitment and this did me good, but she became so much involved in my problems that, when I tried to do something for her, things became entangled.

    You have to be strong to help an ADHDer: I couldn’t really trust her when she said she was doing things or dealing with it in the right way, but there are moments where she’s just genial and very intuitive. So, at times she is right, at times no. And I am left with the task of deciding which is which and try to go against her when she is demotivated, procrastinating, depressed… and so on. But this has the effect of throwing me into dissociative states: I have serious problems asserting myself, being in control of another adult person and, when she starts yelling things and so, I plunged into situations that obviously remind me of my childhood’s situation.

    This said, we love each other and have three children that know that. I still want to help her and I think the thing is getting to work with her, not for her. This is the very point: ADDers feel depossessed from their own lives because they feel they don’t control it the way they want and what the partner has to do is to help him/her regain some sort of control over what’s going on. For this, though, you should know it in the first place, which puts you in a very uneasy position, because you are human too and you may be wrong…

    I don’t know if you can relate to what I’m saying, but this is my everyday experience for the 26 years we’ve been living together, my partner and I.

  • in reply to: Struggling to cope #41248

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user ADHDmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Setting up routines and schedules can help to remove you from the role of parent or manager. That consistency can help him form habits to operate on his own some, instead of relying on you.

    https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/717.html

    Penny
    ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • in reply to: Why Do We Continue To Do This? #41240

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Marr in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Have you read / listened to Melissa Orlov? She wrote “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”. There is also another book from Gina Pera, “Is It You, Me or ADHD?“.

    I also recommend you get some physical help. Pay someone or barter for helping with projects like laundry, etc., in exchange for you doing some of his executive functioning tasks that are more challenging for his brain wiring. Hire a younger neighbor kid to take the trash to the curb. Yes, taking the trash out is an executive functioning issue, and so is dealing with errands. You can have accommodation for your roles too to take some of the pressure off of you. It may be that you’ll need to have that prescription filled or picked up as long has he will take it. Maybe he needs to be playing with the kids while you deal with the trash, or some other role renegotiation. What can he contribute were he can do in his areas of strengths?

  • in reply to: Why Do We Continue To Do This? #41231

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Abner in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    I hear your frustration. My hubby doesn’t “get it” when I speak to him in everyday passing. He is more likely to “get it” when I speak to him in time that we have set aside to really talk. It seems to sink in better then. He almost always gets it if I can figure out a way to put him in my shoes, usually by figuring out how to do the same thing to him and then kindly pointing out the situation. This can take a while for me to figure out and implement. If these fail, I try to make it his problem by not going behind him and fixing “it.”

    With the kids, I am honest and explain what is going on. I try to give them the ability to speak up for themselves and deal directly with their father and not use me as the middleman and I remind them of his positive qualities and remind myself why I fell in love with him.

  • in reply to: Why Do We Continue To Do This? #41227

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Philippe in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    The balance is not between the bad in ADHD and the good, but between contrasting feelings towards a person. My ADHD partner loves her 3 children and suffers very much for all her shortcomings towards them. I hear every word said about false promises and the like, but I know for sure that ADHD is not an excuse for her, but a source of suffering.

    I love her, and our children feel that love I have for her and the love she has for me, and this is something positive. My partner also brought very concrete positive things into our couple and our family, sometimes thanks to the creative touch of ADHD, sometimes in spite of it.

    To put it in a nutshell, the partner of an ADHD person should think whether or not she/he accepts ADHD and all its symptoms – hopefully trying to do something about it—or whether this is too much. I love my partner as a whole woman and AHDH is not part of her character as a person, but a dysfunctioning, a handicap. It is to me to decide whether I’m ready to accept this handicap for the love of the person.

    ADHD is not an excuse, this is my conclusion.

  • in reply to: Why Do We Continue To Do This? #41220

    Hope @ ADDitude
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user ADHDmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    The key is to create balance. You take on the tasks he isn’t good at, and he is responsible for his areas of strength (for example, I handle all the finances in our family—my husband doesn’t even have a debit card for our checking account. He runs kids back and forth to activities, because he doesn’t mind doing that).

    Systems, processes, and routines for the family can help a great deal. As well as using technology for things like reminders, and scheduling.

    Here’s more on when the parent has ADHD:
    https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/609.html.

    And on relationships with ADHD:
    https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/5765.html
    https://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/7504.html

    Penny
    ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 49 total)