My Forum Comments
I feel lonely now-I did not do so pre-diagnoses (I have Autism and ADD) I keep trying to engage with people but I have no real idea how to and most chat’s end with the other party slowly but most certainly backing away leaving me wondering what the hell I could have said to cause their discomfiture. I have always had this problem and it looks as if it will be with me until the end.
I still cling on to the hope that my new found self-knowledge will eventually help me to understand other people and how to get on with them-jeez, I just want to live a little and be able to enjoy life a bit more like Neurotypicals seem to do with such ease.
It is a challenge but I have to stick at it because this train crash of a life is the only one I am ever going to experience so I simply MUST learn how to change it for the better.
My two adult daughters ( from a marriage which ended mostly because I caused my wife great unhappiness-I hasten to add that I was never an abusive husband-I just kept on screwing up and it got too much for her) worry about me a lot I have just realised that one of the things they both want out of life the most is to see me find some contentment and peace of mind. I had hoped that they would have cultivated a measure of detachment from me as they both have busy, professional lives but I have found out from their dear Mother ( with zero recriminations ) that I am a major source of anxiety .
This is to me an even more pressing reason to make some breakthrough’s, they are wonderful human beings and I hate doing this to them so I will keep on battling away, I just hope that my continued willingness to put myself out there despite my failure rate will bring them some comfort because I’d hate them to think that I had lost my will to fight-however improbable the odd’s for success may be.
Just realised that I have posted on this topic here before, I re-read my first post and am struck by how (relatively) optimistic I appear there, I seem to have gone downhill a bit since then.
I have to find a way to get out of this-I fear a downward spiral as I am disappointed with the effects of the Lisdexamphetamine-it has not had any effect on my concentration but has given me the energy to do the same error-prone, pointless and futile shit I do anyway-but for much longer, I am disillusioned and have to try something else.
All of my life seems to have been a preparation for the solitary existence-well “friendless” anyway-that I experience today and until my recent twin diagnoses of Autism and ADD that was not a problem and I was reconciled to it. I do still have contact with my ex-wife who lives just a few miles away. We get on reasonably well most of the time and I still hold her in the highest possible regard, she is every bit as attractive to me now as she was when we first met and has retained all of what I regarded as her special qualities. On top of that she has proved herself to be an exceptional mother to our two daughters who have grown into fine young women. The reason I am telling you all of this is that I now realise just how damaging being married to me was for her, she is doing fine and has made a good life for herself with a career but I did not turn out to be the person she thought she was marrying and what I now see as my Autistic behaviour and inability to function as a “normal” adult caused her huge problems and made her very unhappy. To a large extent the growing realisation of the negative effect that I had upon her has made me shy away from further involvement with anyone. I am a GOOD person, I always do the “right thing” but prolonged contact and deeper involvement with anyone always seems to end in awkwardness and the fracturing of the relationship. I don’t mean any harm but I cause it anyway and I am becoming increasingly aware of how my Autism and ADD have defined my every step so far through life. I am not in control of my life, people get hurt and disappointed when they get too close to me and I do not want to cause any more harm so I keep my distance.
Now though, I am starting to feel lonely because I am grudgingly allowing myself to pass on some of the responsibility for the trouble I have caused/endured over the years to my conditions rather than to flaws in my moral fibre and plain stupidity-the net effect is the same but allocating ownership of events more fairly has removed some of the heavy burden from my shoulders.
Now I want to go out into the world, try to elevate my self-esteem by engaging with people more positively, feeling less like the shitbag I have believed myself to be all of my life. I would like to build good relationships with others and banish some of the anxiety I feel when in close proximity to people. (I only relax to any extent nowadays if talking to others if I am standing much further away from them than is normal-I feel an almost magnetic repulsion and my mind just scrambles making conversation extremely difficult, the ever-present knot in my stomach gets tighter.)
There are some people I am loosely associated with and i would really like things to develop but although they are the kind of people I would choose to have as friends I am such a terrible mess of a person I am sure they would be terrified to get any closer. I would never push for such a thing, I fear the embarrassment of further rejection and the risk of hurting and disappointing them.
So my only real chance of making new friends (meaningful one’s) would be to find people who know about ASD?ADD and are not easily freaked out by my eccentricities and how the hell do you go about that? I am not in any social circles-no surprise there- so there is not a large group of people for me to explore and try to identify suitable candidates.
I cannot see any way of breaking out of this-I never believed that there was any prospect of “release” from what feels like my psychological incarceration and if I ever had any socials skills, they have long since evaporated so YES, I FEEL VERY, VERY LONELY, the prison gates may well have been opened a little for me, encouraging escape but I am institutionalised and the truth is that I will never be able to leave.
message to self, don’t write emails when you have not sleptt for 48 hours!
I suppose most odf us arew on here listing songs which have deep personal significance, sadly for us most of our experiences have not been that positive and I am sure thatthis is reflected in the choices given.
I am 60 and when I was around 10 years old there was a very idealised children’s adventure series featuring White Horses which the series was called.
It was naive and very black and white but the theme song permeated the entire thing and filled the listener-me, at any rate with a sense of wonder and joy-I was only 10..
The theme song is:surprisingly enough also called ” White Horses” and it is sung by Jacky.
You may all find it ridiculous and sappy but nonetheless, I recommend it to all of you too every body. I am a 60 year old grizzly bastard but this song makes tears of joy-and multiple other unspecified emotions- run down my cheeks.
It’s on youtube-be adventurous and I hope this brings you at least a smile for a moment or two.
I only have a single friend and I don’t get to hang out with him very often as he lives quite far away.
Having said that he is a “friend” I must confess that he never comes out to see me and most of the contact is generated by me.
I can cope with the isolation-it is what I have known for most of my life and although I do crave company occasionally even the most ideal social interaction can swiftly become something which I can no longer adequately comprehend and I just have to get away.
I do not tell dirty jokes, do bnot hold radical political views, am a devout atheist and do not have any bizarre habits or tastes which could offend, nothing ever gel’s in company though and I just know from experience that I will say or do something which makes me stick out for all the wrong reasons and slowly witness the people around me slipping away.
All of this is simply too stressful for mm nowadays and I am not prepared to expend the emotional energy on such things any more as I just know how it will turn out, on first meeting, people will be nice, open and calm and would apparently not be averse to further contact but then I blow it somehow, I can rarely work out what exactly puts them off and at my age of 60, I don’t see that changing.
I have my hobbies and interests, music, Carpentry, I have always read a lot-mainly non-fiction- even if I remember very little of what has passed before my eyes, certain facts will stick which means I am good at quizzes but my brain is ill-equipped to do anything of much practical use so life is deeply frustrating. I told my ADD assessor that I felt as if I had a fairly powerful “engine” located within my skull but lacked a “gearbox” so my engine just roars away to itself and I remain motionless
Got a great new smartphone but don’t know how to unlock it?-welcome to my brain!
So yes, staying alone helps me deal with it all, I am not subjected to the endless reminders of my inadequacies and failings,
I suppose it is a slightly cowardly approach and some may think I have simply “given up” but there are only a certain number of times that you need to bang your head on a brick wall before it finally dawns upon you that the wall is going to win so why put find something less damaging?
I could waffle on like this for days but I think you get the picture,
It ain’t easy, progress will be rare and probably transitory, you will meet kind people, value and respect them, always be both kind and honest yourself, avoid wherever possible doing and saying stuff which have resulted in feelings of guilt in the past and occasionally, just occasionally good things will happen-that’s the best I got.April 5, 2019 at 7:04 pm in reply to: How did you feel after diagnosis. Please share! *third attempt at posting #113348
In January of this year, I learned after my assessment that I am Autistic in the report which followed, my assessor also stated that I had ADHD?ADD and recommended that I undergo another assessment but with a specialised ADHD Doctor, this took place last Wednesday and it was immediately confirmed that I am indeed ADD.I am not stupid but I failed to pass a single exam when at school, my mind used to simply drift off during lessons and during exams, it would simply freeze because the strain of trying to join up all those half-remembered, disembodied facts to come up with anything approaching a suitable answer was impossible.
So much is becoming clearer to me now, I am beginning to accept that my life could not have been so very different to how it is no matter what I did because I have very poor judgement and have great problems understanding many situations I find myself confronted with-especially when other people are involved.
There has been a lot of guilt shame and misery over the years, I have to confess, I knew that I was not the moron that my exam results would seem to indicate but as I could never seem to put whatever intelligence I did have to any practical purpose, it felt as if I might just as well have been.
Anyway, a lifetime of endless screw-ups, wrong turns, missed appointments, false dawns, car crashes,etc,etc followed and it has been pretty tough going.
I don’t feel as if I now have the Golden Excuse for my abject failure in life-I know that there were times when I had a better grasp of the odd situation than was the norm and still made regrettable choices nonetheless, I’d hate to think that I was trying to duck responsibility for my actions, the Peace Of Mind I have craved all these years will only come from fully embracing the truth about myself-the good and the bad. All these years I have been punishing myself I know I bear some guilt and am happy to face up to it but I would dearly love to get shot of all the crap I am not guilty for but which I carry around anyway-I am not confident yet to identify which is real and which is not.
I am about to start on medication for the ADD, I believe that this is by far the most important time of my life, if I get the right dose of the right med’s my life could change on a far greater scale than I have ever imagined, after 60 years of all this dysfunction,I reckon I could do with a break.
We just have to be positive- the thing which screws us up has been identified and the good news is that there are treatments out there which can radically alter everything, all the doubts and fears and shame that we may have borne in the past belong to another person who was never in complete control or had any great understanding of their lives, with the correct treatment I expect to “get” what is going on around me a bit more and be able to exercise more ownership having been able to develop deeper, clearer self-knowledge.
Good LUck-to us both!
“Air” by Talikng Heads, from Fear Of Music, also from the same album “Paper” and “Memories Can’t Wait.
The Autism in me recognises much familiar ground in “The Big Country” from More Songs About Buildings And Food-if you give it a a listen I should point out that for me, it’s “couldn’t” not “wouldn’t”!