foa

My Forum Comments

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  • foa
    Participant

    That psychologist sounds as if he is very poorly trained and doesn’t know much about ADHD. About sexism, I used to say “oh, well, maybe that isn’t sexism, it could just be that …” but you know what? Every individual instance might not be sexism, but in aggregate, every time you suspect it’s sexism, you’re right: IT’S SEXISM. Sexism is so ingrained in every fibre of every area of our culture that it is ALWAYS implicated in the way we are being treated. We live with this because we have to. I sincerely hope that someday our daughters’ daughters’ daughters’ don’t have this problem. Maybe we should all move to Iceland.

    But about the patronizing idiot you were dealing with: he’s wrong, that’s all. Yes, there are particular challenges associated with having ADHD. There are particular challenges associated with everything. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 59. By that time I had a PhD and tenure. ADHD has made me slower to publish, because I can always think of an even better new shiny idea and I’m bored with this one now, why do I have to write it up? But I can always think of an even better new shiny idea and that is not true of all of my colleagues. Making weird connections that turn out to bear fruit, and doing it really fast, and having more ideas than I can use, are all things that I strongly suspect I find easier because I have ADHD. I’m an excellent teacher and mentor. I have a writing group to help me actually finish stuff and get it out the door.

    The difficulties of ADHD, now that I know I have it, can be coped with. The advantages are not things I could get anywhere if they weren’t baked in to the way I see the world.

    So do pay no attention to that old guy. Take your diagnosis, because it is useful, and use it to get meds and coaching. And get on with your lively, high-achieving, creative life.

    in reply to: Son 22, never had a job and living with enabling mom #119341
    foa
    Participant

    Sorry about the typos in the last! I am dictating on my phone and I corrected as many errors as I saw but the text is running off the side of the screen and I see I missed a few, but now I can’t go back and edit.

    in reply to: Son 22, never had a job and living with enabling mom #119339
    foa
    Participant

    Congratulations to your son on graduating! Seriously. I think you don’t realize what a major achievement that was, and just slipped by it on the way to his next failure. But he graduated. Now he’s finding it difficult to look for a job because it is terrifying. But he graduated! That’s great! I am agreed with the other respondents that if you can manage to somehow not be “the bad guy“, and manage to just meet them once a month in some neutral context for lunch, or to go rock climbing, or to do something that he would enjoy, just to keep the door open. And then when his brain has matured sufficiently you will be there to give him a hand when he asks for one. You have to meet him where he is, not stand half a mile up the road to where you think he should be by now yelling at him to hurry up and catch up to you.

    I don’t know how you would feel about this, but if he does a lot of multiplayer gaming, you could ask him to teach you how to do it. And then you could also ask him if it would be OK if you joined in sometimes. He will be very much better at it than you are, which would give him the chance to teach you how and also give him the chance to be better than you are at something, Which would be excellent for his self-esteem, and it would also give the two of you something you could do together that was on his turf. Instead of yet another thing that he is failing at. It’s another way of keeping the door open for when he wants to ask for help, when he is ready to do that.

    Or find some other activity that you can do together that you can both enjoy. Something non-threatening that he is reasonably good at.

    You don’t say if you celebrated his graduation, but if you didn’t, if there’s someway that you can acknowledge that achievement – a card, a gift, Dinner out Dash that would be good. It will have been very much harder for him to do that then you have any idea. It took me eight years to finish my BA. I felt like a useless loser and I hated myself every single day of those eight years. But then my brain matured, slowly, overtime, and I am no professional employed and have been for years. It all worked out.

    If you take him out for dinner though, don’t take the opportunity to do what would come naturally it any graduation dinner, to ask him what’s next! He doesn’t know what’s next and he is panicking. I have sympathy.

    I do not know the mother of course and if she is a drug user that’s not a good influence. But she doesn’t know what to do either and may well be doing the best she can. Your story about her just showing up on campus and “stalking” him I see from her perspective, or what would be my perspective of I were the one doing it. I would want to see my son because I loved him and missed him. I would visit him on campus for that reason. Try assuming that she loves him and then ask yourself how that affects your opinion of her actions. They may be misguided but well meant. And remember that he loves her too.

    in reply to: Son 22, never had a job and living with enabling mom #119328
    foa
    Participant

    Thank you for talking about yourself online so much! Please don’t feel that you said too much – this was all very very helpful for all of us who have children with ADHD. I have ADHD and I have children who do, but it’s very different for them than it was for me, and reading what you said helps me understand what is going on for them.

    in reply to: I'd rather be alone than ignored – normal? #116588
    foa
    Participant

    While understanding that your spouse has ADHD and so some things, like ignoring you or forgetting to buy the milk, are symptomatic rather than deliberate bad behaviour or proof that they don’t love you, they are still disappointing. If they double down by being angry with you for asking for what you want, however, that is really not okay.

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