My Forum Comments
Sorry it’s taken so long to reply. I think your situation is different to mine. It sounds to me like you are doing everything in your power to try and find out more and are putting in the hard work. I don’t think that is bad parenting. What I’m up against is their mother who complains she does everything for her kids and complains of being inconvenienced for eg a 20 min advanced warning delay in the pickup. However she only has her kids every second weekend, and sometimes not that much. So I don’t really know the example she set when she was here or what she does on weekends. I just don’t feel like the explanation I’ve received on here gets to the crux of the problem. Ie let them go out in dirty clothes or not shower because an adhd kid might be focused on other things. Let them not do their homework because they are focused on other things and you will make them hate school. I want to know what the expectations should be. I want to know is it ok to yell at your dad because your computer privileges got taken away because you didn’t do your homework, but you should have your computer privileges because the reason you didn’t do your homework was you blatantly lied when asked if you had any… in my opinion they need a good kick up the arse so I’m asking for advice as to what they shouldn’t get punished for
In addition, re the lights. I started removing lightbulbs. Now they don’t forget. So is it adhd or bad parenting? Still I’m finding it very hard to differentiate. The 15 year old cocks his head whenever I talk and I understand that I’m very influential at the moment. He has never been taught social skills and parents still treat him like an 8 year old, which is not fair to him. So yes I am a wicked step mum/ogre who has their best interests at heart (some for me, I don’t want hands that have just wiped a bum on my fridge) but no one claps louder than me when they succeed. I offer career advice when they seem to have an interest and for example offer to pay for private programming classes etc. again and again I can’t differentiate what is adhd and lax parenting where kids are in front of computer 24/7 on school vacation or 8 hrs a day on school days and have never been taught how to wipe a bench or clear a plate. See where I’m coming from?
Sorry the unmotivated behaviour was before I came along, when they could do whatever they wanted. They get petulant and upset when you tell them to clean their stuff in a calm manner. Is there anything I can expect them do do?
Hi Andy, thanks for your lengthy response. Must have taken a while. I guess what I’m trying to say is how did you get to university if you never completed any school work? Did someone have to stand over your shoulder every day for hours EVERY TIME something was due? When you have a shift at work do you tell your wife you covered it when you didn’t and just not shown up to work? Do you remember to turn the lights off and clean up after yourself every single time without fail, once you knew you were in real trouble. Is it ok to lie about homework so you can play video games 24:7? Because I have understood that’s it’s all good and well if they are interested in the reward but other than that I can’t expect them to get anything accomplished. It seems the only way to get them to do anything is absolutely lose my shit and yell. In addition there was a lot of lax parenting before I came along. Husband acknowledges this. 21 yr old’s boyfriend actually said to me my mums house is perfectly clean but I don’t know why when I’m hear I don’t give a f***. At the same time I know two youngest have ADHD. So I’m struggling with how to differentiate between the unmotivated behaviour unless it involves video games, and lack of life skills (that were never previously taught by parents) and the ADHD. I’ve looked up subjects like when your teen opts out re school. And advice given is say ‘ultimately I would like you to get a’s and b’s but do you think a c will get you a good gpa?’ But that won’t work because we are not doing anything unless someone is standing over their shoulders. Do you have homework? No. A week later.. why is this a 0? (Shrug)
Thanks for your response. I guess what I’m stStruggling with is adhd vs defiant behaviour. Ie the reason younger doesn’t wash hand is because shit (excuse) isn’t dirty, or bringing his bird downstairs and letting it poop on the couch. What I’m saying is, is that everything is attended to when something is in it for them. Like when they are called back downstairs to clean their plate after dinner, I’m told I’m petty because it was two feet away and I could have done it. I’m talking about electing to take seatbelts off while enroute even though they know physical and financial consequences if something were to happen. I’m talking about straight A students when they elect to hand in the work and lying about not having homework to do. I understand the hyperactivity, inattentiveness, lapses in time and subsequent bad time management. But surely not all I’ve mentioned above is a result of ADHD? How do you differentiate and then how do you discipline considering the ADHD?