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  • in reply to: Should I become a mother #193953

    Hot tip in the parenting department for ASD parents. Use decibel reducing earplugs, like the ones people use for concerts or riding motorcycles. You can still hear your baby when they need you, but it takes the sensory edge off.

    Also, I’m not ASD and I’m very sensitive to body language and tone of voice. It didn’t matter. I still couldn’t tell what my baby wanted 90% of the time. You just learn to run down the list and check everything. Mr husband is ASD, and he’s a great dad, if not always a sensitive one 😊.

    in reply to: Should I become a mother #187414

    I’m 38, I have ADHD and two kids–one ASD and one ADHD. Ain’t going to lie, there are challenging days. O struggle a lot with executive function and I sometimes forget to make dinner and I’m a terrible house keeper. I’m still trying to figure out balancing job and family and that’s been hard. But here’s the thing. I’m really awesome at the things that matter. What are those things?

    1) I’m super loving and affectionate
    2) I’m fun
    3) I understand my children’s challenges
    4) I’m deeply empathetic
    5) I’m fun
    6) I find my children interesting so I pay a lot of attention to them…yay hyperfocus!
    7) I’m a really hard worker. I’ve had to be to get this far. And I keep trying no matter how many times I screw up
    8) I’m fun
    9) I’m really good in situations that require flexibility and fast thinking, like kids being hurt or sick, or dealing with hurt feelings, or simply trying to find something to do that doesn’t involve screens
    10) I’m smart, so I have built coping mechanisms into my day that help me parent even when I forget stuff
    11) I’m fun. Seriously, this is so important for kids
    12) I am good at teaching my kids to be independent
    13) I’m good at expressing my feelings to my children, so they know they are loved. And I’m good at making criticism about behaviors and not people, and treating my kids the way I wish people would treat me.
    14) I’m incredibly fun and my kids (ages 12 and 7) love to spend time with me!!!!!!

    Guess what? All those things are related to my ADHD. Yeah, it’s got challenges and I feel overworked and overwhelmed a lot. But I’m hyperactive and inattentive, so I have more energy and flexibility than anyone I know. It makes me creative. It makes me a good mom.

    I do have to admit, I have a supportive partner who accepts my ADHD without judgment (though he finds it exhausting–he’s ASD :). Chris, I’m concerned about your partner situation as you’ve presented it. While I’m positive you’d be a great parent, I’m not so positive your partner wouldn’t criticize any ADHD children you have the way they criticize you. The last thing you want is to raise children with someone who will heap that kind of damage on a young, defenseless spirit. You should be a parent…your partner? Maybe not so much.

    Here is what I think. ADHD is actually a great asset for a parent as long as you accept yourself for who you are and do the work to create a life that works with you, not against you. This is very, very doable. If you’re concerned about your ability to cope, find a coach or an understanding friend who can help you work out how you want your life to look and what changes you can make to get you there.

    The truth is, no matter how prepared you are, parenthood will kick your butt. That’s normal for EVERYONE. And you will figure it out and get through it. The important thing is loving your children so much you’re willing to do what it takes for them to thrive. While it’s impossible to predict what that will look like, I promise you that your ADHD will actually help you more often than it hurts you, whether or not you can see it.

    You’re both good enough. Yeah, there will be bad days. Many of those bad days will be brought on by all the people who come out of the woodwork to judge your parenting for no reason. Being a mom is like being a hater magnet…you have to grow a thick skin. But you will survive. And eventually, you’ll thrive. Our ADHD makes us warriors. And if we forget that sometimes…well, that’s just ADHD.

    Be encouraged. You have everything you need.


    in reply to: Imposter? #180401

    Hey, I just got diagnosed myself at 38. ADHD wasn’t on my radar for a long time because I didn’t think I fit the bill. Sure, I struggled a lot with “adulting”, but I was sure that if I just worked harder and was less lazy, I’d do better. If I just worked a little longer, if I just tried a new organizer, or a new app, if I just stuck with that new habit…there was always something I SHOULD have been doing. And even after I became aware, around 32, that the ADHD criteria did kind of fit me, I STILL thought that I wasn’t affected enough to seek treatment. When I finally did get around to being tested, six years later, I was positive they were going tell me it was all in my head and that I was making it up.

    Guess what. I’m not making it up.

    Also, I’m not a “little” ADHD. I’m VERY ADHD. I’m hyperactive and inattentive, and I lose a SIGNIFICANT portion of my cognitive capabilities when my ADHD is triggered. But I didn’t know this because I didn’t have any real data to compare myself to until I got evaluated. I knew I had lots of challenges, but I assumed i just wasn’t working hard enough or smart enough. Turns out, I was working so hard to convince everyone I was normal that no one realized I desperately needed help. Not even me.
    I’m not an impostor and you aren’t either. ADHD looks like a lot of different things, and as a 29 year old, you’ve probably become very good at masking your challenges and forcing yourself to work harder than everyone else around you. It can be hard to admit that you have a neurological difference that will never go away. Our society is not kind to neurodiverse people, despite recent pushes towards acceptance. It is easy to internalize the message that we should just be different than we are.

    Besides, being ADHD can be a good thing! You know that saying about when you have a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail? I don’t think this is true for people with ADHD. When we have hammers, we get bored looking for nails so we figure out 97 new things we didn’t know a hammer could do. Our world runs on the creativity and innovation of neurodiverse people. It really does take all sorts to make a world.

    Like you, I’m still figuring out what to do with my diagnosis (and with my daughter’s. She got diagnosed too). My test results indicate that everything I’ve ever tried has been completely wrong, so I need to re-do the way I do life. The meds help but they don’t make the challenges go away. I still need to figure out how to adult but now I have permission to do it my way. When I don’t waste my energy forcing myself to do things “the right way”, I’m actually much better at managing my symptoms and getting things done.

    You didn’t game the system. You’re not an impostor and you aren’t lazy. You’re a person in progress. And as an ADHD mom diagnosed with ongoing anxiety and depression issues (yay co-morbidities!), I can tell you that you’re not the only one. I hope you can find some peace with yourself, and learn to enjoy your differences while you learn to live with them.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by eveabashed. Reason: Shortened
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by Penny Williams.
Viewing 3 posts - 1 through 3 (of 3 total)