El

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  • in reply to: Help – ADD, or something else? #71922
    El
    Participant

    Hello!

    I’m a 58 year old female and I learned I have ADD/ADHD when my son was diagosed about 17 years ago. Looking back, as I learn more about ADHD, I realize that the poetry and art that would flow through me as I hyperfocused finding just the right words and images at odd hours, was probably ADHD-related and I didn’t know. I just thought I was creative, sensitive, artistically expressive, overly empathetic — and the struggles with relationships were probably due to too many moves, my shyness and a dysfunctional family.

    I think it’s important to get a diagnosis. I got one for my son and later went to a professional for a diagnosis and explained why. I also have been in counseling for about 25 years. I did start taking medication about 15 years ago and this, along with skills and strategies learned through good therapy, has made a positive difference. However, I haven’t been coached specifically as ADHD relates to work — and right now am pretty miserable in an unstructured educational administrative positive with multiple tiers of “customers” to support with unclear supervision and expectations. The classroom gave me structure and creativity that I didn’t realize would not be part of my current position. Now I realize I do much better with structure to stay organized, but also have “room” for being creative and spontaneous when I need to.

    I don’t know if this helps, but this position started out appearing creative with freedom and leadership opportunities. However, the position wasn’t well planned, has messy boundaries and continues to change. It’s been difficult to meeting the changing expectations of numerous people who need support and has led to some conflict, learning by stepping on toes and has knocked at my self-confidence. I’ve been told I’m too enthusiastic and need to stay focused on my “to do” list, and though I’m an administrator, the position has little authority. Not a great place for someone with ADHD to be.

    I, too, have always wanted to publish books and previously worked as a professional writer in private industry. . . I have no idea where to begin with that dream. I just know I need to find a place where I can be successful and be appreciated for enthusiasm, independence and creative thinking — and I think this all is related to ADHD qualities. Once I feel like I’m grounded, I can dream about my passions again 🙂

    BTW — Yoga and meditation help me immensely. . . when I practice and teach yoga, I feel centered and confident regardless of what’s going on around me.

    Would you be more encouraged to write and send to the publisher if you had a partner working with you? I know when I think about working independently, it feels more comfortable to work with a partner.

    I hope this helps. Thanks for listening to me as well!

    in reply to: Mom's with ADHD-Who else feels like a failure?? #71747
    El
    Participant

    I’m glad my share helped. These comments help me too. It’s great to know there isn’t anything wrong with us, and we do need to take care of ourselves. There’s great info under health and nutrition by Dr. Amen – free download. I’m checking it out now. Take care! -L

    in reply to: Mom's with ADHD-Who else feels like a failure?? #71687
    El
    Participant

    First, you must tell yourself you aren’t a failure! You love your children and are juggling many things that even moms without ADD struggle with. Someone once told me, “Don’t compare your inside to my outside.” In other words, it’s likely that the mom’s you compare yourself to are making it look easier than it is. With that said, I completely understand because I have ADD, my son has ADHD and I raised him mostly by myself. He also took advantage of my difficulties because he’s very strong willed and has high expectations.

    I’m thinking of things that helped me that might help you — the first was when I asked myself if I was my own mother, how would I feel? My honest answer to myself was “very fortunate” because I would be loved, cared for and listened to. Once I decided that I’m a good mom and would be happy with myself as a mom, I could let go of the guilt and feel more confident as a mother.

    Since your husband is an IT management type, my guess is that he has firm boundaries and can set up an organized system with a process and procedures. I found that once I had a plan to follow with places to put things and resources to draw on, I did well following the structure. I just wasn’t good at creating it myself.

    Can you and your husband discuss what would be helpful to put in place so you can both follow your household, childraising system with a process and procedures that you two can follow? Let him know the areas where you struggle with consistency and see if he can help you with some solutions. Also, you deserve the respect of your children just as you and your husband show them respect. Do not let your daughter make you feel “less than” or guilty. Be a strong role model for her.

    If she had ADD, you wouldn’t want her feeling like a failure or feeling guilty. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need assistance with structure, boundaries and continuity. So do many people without ADD. It’s OK not to be super mom. It’s OK to take time for meditation and/or yoga classes that help you get centered and take care of yourself. YOur daughters will learn how self-care by watching you. You may need extra time to recharge your batteries, refill your cup and say “no” to some things that may overwhelm you. Your needs are yours and no one should be allowed to make you feel guilty about that. The better you are at caring for yourself, the better you can care for the other people you love.

    Harder to do that say — but very true. . . and you’re worth it (so is your family) 🙂 God bless you! -L

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