Old lady

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  • in reply to: Feeling resentful about his ADHD #104128
    Old lady
    Participant

    Kendall, I’ve read this entire thread. I’ve lived the life for over 50 years, as a wife for 39 years to a husband with ADHD and sons with the problem, each at a different level of difficulty. I have no great final solution or anything close, but I do have a suggestion. If you hope to help others, learn how to ask questions and then write down the answers you get. Everybody in the whole world is interested in themselves. ADHD affected people seem to have that problem in spades. You appear to be a high IQ individual as was my husband and two sons are. That makes the situation even worse I think because if your senses are in overdrive, so is your brain and your analysis of yourself. You have a headstart in that you have worked with medication and understand to some extent what is happening in your awareness of the world around you.

    Start at a very simple level in person or by telephone with a family member, put a time limit on it. Write down on a piece of paper the person’s name, age, relationship. Ask a question that focuses on that other person, not on what is going on in your head. Tell them it is an experiment for class or something like that. Ask something you can be comfortable with, anything from what did they eat last to if you are you talking too fast. Stop. Write it down. Do not justify yourself or explain yourself or evaluate yourself. Remember, it is about them. Do that one at a time with as many people as you are comfortable with. Move forward slowly from that simple start to a day or week later increasing the time limit. Write down the words they tell you. Do not obsess with the question(s) or answers. That will be extremely difficult for you I think, but those dealing with your problem probably had it difficult dealing with your situation, and you can learn to live with a new kind of difficulty. The biggest obstacle I’ve encountered in living along with ADHD individuals is their inability to see someone else is in the room. You need to learn how to do that if you want to help others.

    I could write three books on what I’ve lived through over all this time. Life goes on and we can’t escape it. The high intellect ADHD part can make a relationship mentally very rewarding at times but the roller coaster can bring an interaction from very high to very low faster than the brain can safely process it, resulting in stress that is overwhelming. I understand what others have written in this thread, and if I had long term answers for others I would share them. At this point in my life it becomes how I am going to deal with the next hour without cracking.

    (Other writers, have you found it difficult to fully open the space where one replies in order to review what has been written?)

    Old lady
    Participant

    When one has been dealing with the same set of behaviors for 55 years with three people and a fourth if you count the father-in-law, it was an off the cuff misdiagnosis alright by someone who is still wet behind his ears. I’ve read the literature also. It’s just that so many in the social work business should start to realize that they are dealing with other people’s lives and are not there just as a place for others to come and vent. I worked for 8-1/2 years at a place where counselors were the staff. Higher standards are needed before degrees are handed out. I have much sympathy for the person who started this thread.

    I’m not in the business so I’m asking, why would someone be paying $200 an hour to get stimulants?

    Old lady
    Participant

    Background: I’ve been through it since I got married in 1962. My husband had it. My two sons have it, one severely, minimal ld, total lack of emotional control, etc. diagnosed at age 3 by a pediatric neurologist. Until recently I never knew work had been done with adults, so I just lived through it. My husband died many years ago. My oldest son lives at home and always has because he also has severe IBS. Emotionally I am exhausted as well as physically handicapped. I asked my son to please talk with his student in training therapist about ADHD as my son denies he has it. I went with my son to a session to present my situation to the therapist. He asked me what are the three top problems. I answered. He said he will give my son a test and then will have to step away to score it. I stepped away. They came back in ten minutes and the therapist said he didn’t score high enough so no, he doesn’t have ADHD.

    My guess is that this happens over and over again to others. Does anyone know of a recognized source of information that could be given to such “experts” saying to them please evaluate the situation based on this scale?

    in reply to: End of my rope #85066
    Old lady
    Participant

    I married in 1962. My husband died in 2001. I have two sons. Husband was and sons are extremely high IQ. My husband came from a very dysfunctional family as his father probably was hyper based on information. I thought all the problems were because of that. My older son was kicking for 15 minutes at a stretch in the womb and I later learned that is a sign. At that time no one knew what hyper was. I tried counseling, went to ACLD meetings. He was finally diagnosed by a pediatric neurologist when he was about 3-1/2. Before that I jokingly said playpens were to be used upside down and wondered why high chairs weren’t equipped with magnetic cups and plates. Lived through all of the problems, personal and school, others have had. My husband had all of the symptoms of what is now known as Adult ADD. My older son was full blown with a minimal learning disability when young and now is Adult ADHD. The younger son just has some minor characteristics of ADHD. When symptoms aren’t present they are decent, mature, moral individuals. But those symptoms are so hard to work with.

    Why am I at the end of my rope? I’m 78 with health problems. My older son has lived at home because of severe IBS his whole life and nothing worked, so he couldn’t work. He went on disability about ten years ago. I took care of all of the family problems and worked for 20 years full time. Both sons refuse to even think they have ADHD though I’ve tried talking with them. My older son is emotionally very abusive. I know it is difficult for a grown male to live at home as males need to be off in the world learning and making their own mistakes. Recently he went through a stage three cancer problem and I ended up driving him to radiation and chemo as well as to therapy and other doctor visits. It hurts to know how much I’ve done over the years and continue to do without seeing any appreciation. Everything is taken for granted and the demands don’t stop. Although I have interests to divert me, there are no friends or family members close outside of my sons. Like many older people, I’ve kept personal complaints private. The older son has been in counseling for years, but he uses it as an excuse to vent which he also does to anyone who will listen. I’ve gone into severe depression at this point. I tried counseling, but when the counselors don’t know what ADHD is it’s useless. There is no point to driving an hour each way just to vent.

    I know what adult ADHD is. I learned much from Is It You Me Or Adult ADD? I read the articles. I know where the problems, emotions, etc. are coming from, but I’m still at the end of my rope.

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