My Forum Comments
Actually It took many years after my twenties to complete the process. The recent Senate investigation hearing reminded me about how I would react when challenged about an opinion or memory that i had just espoused. I would get louder and more belligerent at first and then if really caught would slide into a cautiously accepting but not apologizing role.
I remember those days when lying for being late and for not completing assignments and just about anything else that would be considered unfavorable was the goto response. Fortunately as my teenage years passed along with my partial HS education my Twenties yielded better insight that the end of the world would not occur if I admitted my Peccadillos.
Since i missed that surge of emotion with risk averse behavior I developed a technique to satisfy the need while still being honest to a point.
Whenever i was inclined to tell a whopper i would begin the lie with the phrase « Did I (ever) tell you about?”
And then to those who knew me I was BSing but to those who didnt the whopper was a way to impress. of course those who knew let the cat out of the bag ?….sometimes .
Many of your symptoms are similar to issues i have had and i am also a number nerd. Forgetting names is a lifelong habit, often being late, and similar school issues, but ADHD is much more than that. As Dr Dodson likes to say, the universal symptoms are an interest based attention system and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD). The many other symptoms are what the tests and analysis determine to earn the label.
As to RSD i was amazed when at an ADHD support group meeting one of our attendees woefully admitted to losing patience with a fellow worker that week and loudly berated her for several minutes (it seemed). When our group leader asked “How many of us had a similar experience in the last 6 months” all 12 of us nodded affirmatively. It was an eye opener of the curse that accompanies this condition. RSD
La bougette or adhd momma i couldnt agree with you more. Only thing missing and perhaps because i am much older is that immense sense of relief to know that there is an honest to god reason. One of the packages of brain wires is not functioning properly. We are short certain lubricants that make the brain work more efficiently. If we learn some better coping strategies we can perform better at almost everything. I can also recommend the same books but unfortunately read them to late to save any of my 3 marriages.
If you were missing the fingers on one or both of your hands you would have trouble doing scads of things. Well this is the same but invisible. A diagnosis is the beginning of a different (and can be much better) life
Well this a different protocol but it worked for me, perhaps because i was exhausted.
Initially at your age I was a smoker and used caffeine mostly in soda but also coffee mornings hot chocolate during the day and tea at Dinner. However I drank coke and pepsi at all hours. I am guessing 8 to 10 combined drinks a day.
At bedtime however i followed a pattern of eating cornflakes w/ sugar added and many years later Sliced bananas.
We had two bby girls at that time and i was the Breadwinner as it was called in those days but evenings were spent driving a cab after my regular office job til midnight. Paying for a new home required this for another year or two.
Didnt know i was ADHD but the caffeine and nicotine were self medicating and when i stopped them before i went to bed Sleep was instantaneous. Most nights i could not remember my head hitting the pillow.
5 decades later after the 3 pituatary disasters Hyper Thyroid Hypo Glycemia and ADHD and the reason for my low blood pressure sticky heart valve repaired, i am now just like you and stay up til 2 or 3 am . I drink decaffe use sweeteners not sugar, my thyroid was nuked, levothyroxine, and take venlafaxine for serotonin norepinephrine/dopamine.
I am wondering if the original undrugged formula with lots of cafeine, sugar, work and life related exercise was better.
First some good news.. in the next few years he may start doing after school and weekend jobs that will go a long way in helping him overcome these problems. At his age i started working with my much older brother in general house repairs and spruce ups. Every tool he used had a special place both in certain tool boxes and those boxes in the van and trailer we hauled and in the triple garage we built to hold everything. (His kids that gave his eulogy said that was because he bought 3 of every tool) This started me on my recovery to be able to find my own things most of the time. 5 years in the army helped as well.
Somewhere in this process i learned to trace my steps usually but not always from entering home and then follow until I found the mislaid object. This worked more often than not but the habit never completely left me. It returned in spades when Casual Fridays turned into casual everyday at work. I missed those 5, 6, or even 7 pocket suits and sportscoats as I had gradually learned not to put things down that could fit in a pocket.
Now for the bad news….it gets worse after the age of 40. Just about the time the kids are leaving to go to university and the pressure eases up I found myself back in that terrible habit at home.
Now that i am in my 70s i am probably the duplicate of him for losing things. I have however learned to laugh and not blame my daughter who used to borrow all the things i had at the lake while they completed their cabin. I know they will show up. Meanwhile every surface in my home has things i put down until that day i lose my patience and have a massive put away or throw out event. Great feeling of accomplishment when its over.
Many years ago I designated myself driver to all our golf outings As i carry spares in my car. I had forgotten though Most of you know the reason why Yesterday my friend and fellow chorister decided to drive and it was a Bright and sunny Solstice day with UV readings in Double digits. Of course i forgot my broad Hat and the Sunscreen. A life threatening situation for this 4 time survivor of major SC Carcinoma. Fortunately, though the course was in the wilds of the primitive Boreal Forest, i was able to purchase both at the rack beside the lunch counter/pro shop. The hat is Number 23 in my collction from golf course throughout North America and the Carribean. Supposedly a reminder of all the places i have golfed and forgotten essentials.
Your story sounds familiar. 17 years later than this stage of our marriage, when my youngest was 18 and graduated Hi school we separated for the last time and the divorce was final 3 years later after 30 years of marriage. Lots of mistakes along the way and I was the one with ADHD .
What I did right. At the age of your children I blurted out something i shouldnt have said and my wife threatened to turn my daughters into prostitutes. She was a person who didnt make threats, she made promises and kept them. I left for a hotel for a few nights and decided to remain in the marriage and importantly to make the best i could of it and to cherish and love her as much as i could.
I was no bargain, a kid when we first married and an untreated raging combined ADHDer. I did have 4 years of military training and when i left the army an excellent job waiting for me. No Hi school diploma but lots of smarts and ambitious.
I went in naive but not lied to. What i have learned is that much of the advice you have been given is good. You might though want to be aware that tending to the needs of 3 very young children is completely exhausting. Many men and some women are completely unable to handle it without help. I slowly learned this and coming from a family of 12 was more than able to lend a hand. I was a lousy cook but i often brought home KFC or MacDs or Pizza. I did the vacuuming and laundry often and maintained the flower gardens and lawns snow clearing in winter and the cars. Everyone soon did dishes and eventually the kids learned to keep their toys and things in their rooms. I made the beds so that there were always clean sheets weekly, and my wife was an excellent mother to the children as well as an excellent cook. She isisted that she would not go to a dentist except to get all her teeth extracted and she kept that promise. She was an adequate seamstress and made many clothes for the kid s allthough i tried to increase the funds i gave her each month so that we could outfit them well. I also gave her a Sears credit card when our youngest needed a snow suit and sears would only take a check if we opened a credit card account and used the check to pay the balance. She loved children not men. And as has been suggested i tried everything i could to improve her self esteem, but i am ADHD and blurt out the wrong thing without thinking often and they were always taken the wrong way. Months of improvement dashed in a moment. A few trial separations did not improve things as the children got older.
A company a colleague and i started neede an office assistant and she volunteered for the job. Unfortunately even though she volunteered it did not work out and we needed to hire a professional office worker.
Our marriage didnt recover from this and eventually she left only to show up at my adult Daughters place. Quickly she realized That although she had been working parttime at our church she would be unable to earn enough to afford a place of her own. She returned home and we started the last round of counselling. We agreed to separate and i delayed until my son graduated the following spring. I renegotiated the small mortgage left on the house to meet the separation allowance i paid her. She met and married someone who tolerated everything including a son in law who molested his grandson and went to jail for it.
My girls now adult, one married and one a graduate nurse both told me they had been waiting for this for years and were very supportive of both of us but wondered why it had dragged out so long. My wifes mother spoke to me once and was excommunicated for life because of it by her daughter my exwife. She lost her job at the church a year later….but found a new job and husband.
I had mestasticized cancer 2 years later and went to the Mayo Clinic for surgery. One of my Daughters , the nurse went with me. Her mother didnt speak to her for a year. While we were in rochester for this she got remarried not telling any of the kids.
I can not tell you whether it would be better to leave now or wait until your girls are older. I can tell you that after 5 years with my second wife she left because of my yelling RSD. And the third left after 8 years when i had a major depression after which i discovered i had Raging ADHD combined.
I filled the same need in all three . Security. Which seems to be what you are doing.
One of the the things i masterred while quite young with raging ADHD was quitting smoking. In fact the 5 occasions it occurred made me somewhat of an expert. The first time I was around 13 and out of an after work job to pay for them, The second time at 16- 17 and in the army. A bet was made and in fact was won after two months against several other participants. This time i noticed certain withdrawl milestones that things were exceedingly better after i passed them. The third time i made it for two years after my daughter was born and started again when the second was born literally while in labor waiting room. This time I smoked for a few years quit.
The second last time i quit for almost 10 years before i started up . I was giving talks on the new contributary pension plan to 30 employees at a time . Their union had negotiated it and they were upset that it meant another pay deduction. 550 employees later we finished and the actuary and I went out for a beer and as it turned out a cigarette. Finally 5 years later i gave up smoking and went back to golfing.
What did i learn from all this.
Well i learned to quit every weekend cause someDay it will work so every Sunday night i quit and it worked 4 times.
I learned never to ever take another cigarette. Just one is deadly,
I learned That because the first or second or third time doesnt wirk, keep doing it because you always learn something from the effort and I have now gone almost 40 years without smoking.
As I aged and i tended to get less sleep as the job and home demands increased ( and I owned the company) My low frustration tolerance became NO frustration tolerance. I even made the google page for it a bookmark and checked from time to time for suggestions and solutions. I had RSD bigtime and it was getting worse. I retired and 10 frustrating years later found out i was Adhd and undergoing a major depression. Third wife was leaving and this was the bottom
Hospitalized, i started on Effexxor for the depression, it works like Strattera, with slow and steady progress. I learned to value sleep above all else and i found out group participation in music was a great producer of Dopamine. I cut out my 10 to 20 mugs of coffee a day and switched to decafe. Concerta was prescribed but was not very helpful and i quit it. I read and really enjoyed the book Mindfulness for Dummies and i read many of the other novels for ADHDers. I have also read and posted replies to many articles here and on TotallyADD.
Diet haas changed dramatically with as few prepared servings as i can and a cup of mixed fruit with cold cereal every day. Vegetables fresh and frozen make up at least half of every meal even with Pasta, i have alwatys had a sweet tooth so dessert is a big deal but i have cut down and favor chocolate and fruit pies.
Exercise is my achilles and I do not get enough. Still trying to improve that part as i think that is among the best natural remedies.
I cut back the Effexxor and will probably cut back even more but it did a fantastic job of eliminating the depression and reducing pain in this arthritic body so am not in any rush.
A year ago I underwent Heart valve replacement surgery and was very thankful for the meds then (broken Ribs) and other than an occasional Moo now and again have recovered quickly and thoroughly.
These forums and articles are outstanding in their wealth of suggestions. READ the comments Many are helpful but they dont all work for everyone.
Finally give yourself a lot of support and Kudos . You have made it this far battling a wary adversary.
This is so me…i am notoriously late. Or way too early. Before retiring I often met with clients at their office, or occasionally at lunch. After another infamous missed lunch with a client who waited over an hour, Client cancelled our $20,000 retainer (1992 Dollars) In desparation i finally delegated this responsibility to my assistant (she was really my neuro normal timeliness manager by then) It worked.
15 years later when retirement set in, I was at a loss again. My Ibook was not helpful. About 4 years ago i bought my first Ipad. Gradually the use of the clock functions and reminders and the calendar have become my new replacement. Two ipads are used with twice the reliability as they actually interupt my hyperfocus long enough to work. Its not perfect but it is a heck of lot better than before.
Until I shut them both off .
Bradders2249 I think thats why we are impulsive shoppers .If we dont buy it immediately we will forget. And then we get home and have no idea why we bough itMay 16, 2018 at 8:21 pm in reply to: HS son still refusing school-when do I say enough is enough? #84427
Perhaps its time to recognize that your sons pecadillos as i now call them after 60 years of living them need a do over with professional assistance. It is important to him and you that no one is giving up but that the solution(s) might need some time additional expertise that the school and you alone do not have but you are going to get it. When that is taken care of a meeting of your expert coach and you and the school reps might be arranged at a neutral sight, or you may decide an other school might allow him to start over again with a cleaner slate. And no one will be tempted to remove his electronics.
For ADDers H school is difficult enough without a host of other adaptive issues that make maturing so difficult for us. Since that takes us many years longer than neurotypicals taking an additional year to navigate these motivation issues may not be so bad. In fact they are life lessons that neuro males do not fully develop until their mid 20s and male Adders age 30 (long term motivation)
I never did learn to work or study from home but found working on site was my adaptive life lesson. I also understand that these other co morbid conditions make each one of us uniquely different. I had no hyper touch sensitivity to any materials until they suddenly appeared at age 65 Thyroid storm (Graves) meds raised my TSH to normal levels. If they had existed in HS i would have stayed home forever.
Your son has a complex group of conditions that seem to be exacerbated by what is happening to him at this age. Please seek expert assistance and take as much time as necessary to get beyond this. He is only seventeen. Given the obstacles he and you are dealing with i commend both of you for getting this far and seeking help from far and wide.
May 14, 2018 at 11:23 pm in reply to: HS son still refusing school-when do I say enough is enough? #84246
- This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by donsense.
One of the reasons for me thinking I would be able to Study in the armed forcies was the sense of accomplishment i gained while working. The right workplace can be a great place to gain self esteem.
I might have missed it But is there anything else that interests him. Is he a weather geek, does he follow specific blogs, twitterverse or FB or snapchat sectionas. Do any of his friends participate in aNything he likes. I was a member of a large youth group that were always doing something., Assisting with food banks, reading to those who were visually challenged. Some were candy stripers and hospital volunteers. Others who could drive and had access to a vehilcle were taking seniors to medical appointments. Amazingly these were all self esteem building activities. They also exposed us to career and educational activities we might have never imagined. Is he into cars or trucks?
Some were into music and quickly learned their rudimentary education in this field needed major time investment. Others used their online prowess to assist those who are not so gifted. Boys and girls club of america have some great after school programs as well, as do other community dropin centers. At the very least these things look great on a resumé or CV.
I think others are right, we do very well at things we are interested in and maybe some of that feel good can help produce results elsewhere or attempts at things a little more challenging/ less interesting.