jvcf

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  • in reply to: Feeling overwhelmed by my spouse's ADHD #197054
    jvcf
    Participant

    Your post was heartbreaking. My husband was diagnosed seven years ago. He is on medication. He has seen a therapist, although that is in limbo right now due to the pandemic. At times it’s helpful. The problem is that they just can’t retain everything. It is not okay however, for your husband to just give up working without telling you and dump everything on you. These are things that need to be discussed in a marriage. Forget starting a business, he needs to find himself a job. It is beyond unfair to you to be the sole bread winner plus handle everything else in your lives, and it sounds like it is a financial struggle for you. He has to be accountable to you, his family, and himself. You are letting him off the hook by allowing him to dictate what you do and how things are going to work in your lives. You need to see a therapist for yourself to get some guidance in handling all of this, or you’re going to burn out, and that’s not fair to you. You are a person, who is entitled to have a life and be happy too. You say your husband is a lovely man. I’m sure he’s not mean or anything, but what he is doing is not lovely. It is selfish and unacceptable. The lack of sex is also something we’ve dealt with in our marriage. This was unacceptable to me. We have worked on it and are finding a balance. It is how their brains work sometimes. You need to get help for yourself and start putting your foot down. Try talking calmly with him about the effect all of this is having on you and the relationship. He needs to hear this. If change is not going to happen, then you may need to consider ending the marriage. This is not a way to live for you or your family. I pray you can get some help and work it out with your husband.

    in reply to: Feeling overwhelmed by my spouse's ADHD #122708
    jvcf
    Participant

    I hear you completely. I have been married to my husband for almost 25 years. He was diagnosed with Inattentive Adult ADD seven years ago, and still hasn’t gotten a handle on it. I am at my wits end. I hear everything you’re saying. He is a nice man, but in some ways he doesn’t want to acknowledge that his brain doesn’t work like other’s do. Early on he would say to me, I’ve been this way all my life. I don’t have a problem with it. You have the problem. I’m happy with the way I am. I have to say he does go to work and does his job well, but they get the best of him. I get the leftovers, and that is not fair. I’ve seen a very good therapist through the years, and she has told me it will never be fair to me as long as I’m in this relationship. It is not his fault he has ADD, but it is his fault if he chooses not to do something about it. My husband is seeing a phenomenal therapist. Every word out of this man’s mouth is gold. I even was invited to attend a session. My husband can’t get out of his own head. He has spent his life assessing everything, but never gets it out of his head and onto paper or into the real world. He takes medication. He doesn’t want to do anything but sit and watch TV when he’s home. I have to push to go out. I handle our lives, and I have come to resent it. He lives in a life I take care, rent free, and I am just exhausted. I pay all the bills, do the cleaning, the groceries, the cooking, deal with the house, with any contractor that has to come here, with any thing at all that has to happen in our lives. I can’t make him understand how exhausting and unfair this is. As you said, intimacy is a real issue, and has been for a lot of the marriage. We have been to counseling together. In the beginning he was all over me, but through the years sex has been a constant battle. It is almost non existent, and he knows this is not okay with me, but he still does nothing about it. This has been a battle ground for the bulk of the marriage. It makes you feel unloved and unwanted. He wants change, but does nothing to achieve that. I hear you and I hope some part of this helps.

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