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  • in reply to: Does the roller coaster ever slow down #138713

    Hi Need to know,

    Get out now. It is the super-strong people (whom ADHDers unconsciously seek out as mates) who have the steepest falls. You will work and work and work, accepting for a while that you will do it all, but risk realizing too late that no one can.

    You say you fear hurting a child because of your fraught marriage. But a child also would suffer from your wife’s ADHD behavior alone, especially if your wife were the at-home parent while you are at work. Even medicated, an ADHD parent’s behavior will not be fully normalized. I grew up with a severely impaired ADHD parent – harrowing. Made worse by the fact that it destroyed my other parent.

    The firm boundaries you have helpfully erected (get to the doctor and therapy or else) don’t seem to have moved her to commit to real change. And you’d have to erect those boundaries over and over again.

    You have carried your spouse for 2 1/2 years, and propelled her through evaluation, diagnosis, and the start of therapy. That’s more than enough.

    Leave before a pregnancy occurs.

    in reply to: At my wits end #133845


    Make sure you accept the respite funding immediately – and then ask for more. The pediatrician is right: you must get a handle on your younger child’s behaviors, which seem to be on the extreme end. Jot down the professionals’ reactions – teachers, doctors, et al – to your child’s behaviors, and keep any correspondence from the professionals. Does the child see a therapist? If not, be sure that he starts, or gets on a waiting list. Residential care might be an option; ask the respite care funding agency about possible funding sources for residential care.

    You have my sympathy, and is there any way you could avoid taking a second job?


    A more detailed description of, and research into, Concerta (methylphenidate) differences has been made by Gina Pera at

    in reply to: New manufacturer for adderall – Amerigen? #116936

    The link was removed from my message above. So I’ll describe it here. A good article about generic drugs:

    New York Times, May 11, 2019
    “Americans Need Generic Drugs. But Can They Trust Them?”

    An excellent review of a recent book by Katherine Eban about drug labs in India that are licensed to make hundreds of different generic drugs for the US market. An FDA investigation pulled back the curtain.

    in reply to: New manufacturer for adderall – Amerigen? #116584

    A good review relating to generic drugs:

    in reply to: Are you in your 40’s/50’s – worth checking this #111700

    ADHD has also been reported in grandchildren of DES-exposed women. Diethylstilbestrol (DES) is a synthetic estrogen banned following hearings held by Sen. Ted Kennedy in the early 1970s. DES was prescribed to pregnant women from 1940-1971. Caused cancer in some children of the women. Now found to cause ADHD in the grandchildren:

    Association of Exposure to Diethylstilbestrol During Pregnancy With Multigenerational Neurodevelopmental Deficits

    Marianthi-Anna Kioumourtzoglou, ScD1; Brent A. Coull, PhD2,3; Éilis J. O’Reilly, ScD4,5; et alAlberto Ascherio, MD, DrPH5,6,7; Marc G. Weisskopf, PhD, ScD3,6

    JAMA Pediatr. Published online May 21, 2018. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2018.0727

    in reply to: Which book should I read on ADD? #110520

    Candlelight, I also recommend the following:

    Is It You, Me, or Adult A.D.D.?
    by Gina Pera

    Outside the Box: Rethinking ADD/ADHD in Children and Adults—A Practical Guide
    by Thomas E. Brown, Ph.D.

    Like Russell Barkley, these two authors do not sugar-coat the truth of ADHD yet are empathetic and offer practical suggestions. If sustained reading is difficult, all three (Barkley, Brown and Pera) have videos on YouTube and audiobooks. Barkley’s videos are particularly noteworthy.

    in reply to: Diagnosed in 20 minutes as not ADHD #106708

    Sean, Las Vegas is a problematic place for medical care, including challenging chronic disorders such as ADHD. Most people are from elsewhere and return home after short stays. That said, there is hope.

    By all means, you must bypass undertrained personnel like the nurse who “evaluated” you. I recommend that you also look for an additional psychiatrist – or better yet, neuropsychiatrist – as a backup in case the first psychiatrist does not work out. I’m sorry that I don’t have any names for you.

    Good luck.

    in reply to: Accentrate #104564
    in reply to: Books for family or partner by author? #104173

    Driven to Distraction, The ADHD Effect on Marriage, and You Mean I’m not Lazy, Crazy or Stupid are excellent books for people with ADHD to recognize themselves in. Written in layman’s language, they are gentle introductions to the subject. As bromides (ADHDers are “creative”, “gifted”, etc.), the books sometimes encourage an ADHDer to get evaluated, formally diagnosed and treated.

    However, to families and partners, stressed and exhausted from dealing with ADHD behaviors, these three books have a disadvantage: their focus on what others can do to help the person with ADHD. (Taking personal responsibility is suggested only very quietly to the ADHDer.) Friends and family are better advised to quickly read these books and move on to more-detailed, practical sources of information:

    ADHD in Adults: What the Science Says, by Russell Barkley.
    The ADD Roller Coaster, by Gina Pera.
    Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults, by Thomas E. Brown.

    The Barkley, Pera and Brown books are highly readable and easy to understand.

    in reply to: Don't know if I can do this anymore #101979

    You sound like an amazingly intelligent and competent person, with a need to reset your priorities, and focus on yourself and your child.

    Your husband sounds overwhelmed by his brain disorder, and may be doing all that he can, given his under-treated state. To start changing this:

    Write to your husband’s prescribing physician about his aggressive and verbally violent behavior. HIPAA laws bar his dr. from talking to you but you can talk to the dr. Explain to the dr. that your husband needs a mood stabilizer in addition to the stimulant med; he may also need an additional, non-stimulant ADHD med such as Strattera. Your husband sounds under-medicated. This website has good info on ADHD treatment and guidance for the ADHDer to stick to a schedule of medication, CBT / coaching, and daily tasks.

    Establish firm boundaries and structures to help your spouse and to save yourself. Instead of cleaning up his messes at work and home (which doesn’t work), concentrate on getting a new job or expanding your current one. Let him suffer the consequences of his behavior.

    When your husband has tantrums and vicious outbursts, let him know you won’t tolerate them – and leave the room or house if necessary. Don’t hesitate to call police and/or the local women’s resources organizations; they’re not for “other people.” You need support from others because you sure aren’t getting it from your spouse.

    Be ready to research therapists and set up the first appointments for him but make it clear he must commit to change. By leaving your husband to his own devices (after getting meds and therapy on a better footing), you may help him to learn self-reliance.

    Don’t bother talking with him much about all the things you are having to do – he is unable to listen much at present. They tend to learn best from actions anyway.

    What resources are available to your daughter? Is after-school care possible? What about respite care for yourself? Some states have resources. What is your housing situation and could you pay for it alone? Do either you or your husband have tenure?

    Talk to a lawyer to learn where you stand.

    This is a long-ish to-do list and you are so tired.

    Remember what has been said elsewhere on this site about communicating with ADHD people:

    Less talk is better than more talk. (Put any really necessary words in writing.)

    Arguing doesn’t work. (Turn a smooth cliff face to the waves of his provocative statements)

    Rebuking them doesn’t work. (They lose control.)

    Strategic, strengths-based expectations are better than negotiated agreements. (Attempts at compromise usually fail.)

    Best of luck.

Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)