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  • Dave123

    Healing Developmental trauma – its what adhd might be. but perhaps not in all cases – but really – who the heck knows but its a useful lens to understand.

    i know that yes, a small percent of those that keep adhd into adult hood also have personality problems. some of it can come i think from the programing where like 40% of them are ODD as kids and likley in families with the same low emotional intelligence.

    I will admit i woke up to being somewhat narc myself. the reason they are connected is because they both involve the prefrontal cortex.

    I recomend reading “healing developmental trauma” but also checking out how i typed up some of the “Survival styles” that show up in “Today” into my sheet under the survival styles tab. its useful to be mindful because to seperate form the pride based identifications we also need to simaltaneously seperate from the shame based ones that fuel them.


    def look up the “autonomy” style and perhaps the trust one.

    in reply to: Hyperfocusing on people? #105920

    Something like 82% of those with Adhd have an insecure attatchment style.
    Something to do with early interactions party from differences in kid but also a lot of it dealing with parents as they are products of their up bringing.

    I have had issue moving on as I noticed I have an anxious avoidant or fearful avoidant attatchment style and happen to find myself in a family of 2 narsasiatic parents with narsasiatic sounds.

    Boy was I in a bubble,

    Life makes a whole lot more sense when you connect attatchment to your relationships and also how addicted you are to technology and even how your treatments is working not working.

    Medicine can treat Adhd, it can’t treat attatchment issues which can be truly messed crazy.

    Walls where kicked in, doors kicked down and all sorts of stuff happened inmy house growing up.

    It took me till now to realize it really wasn’t that I was some angry kid, I had the emotional energy that anyone with Adhd has, the odd was learned behavior from having a anxious-resistant attatchment style along with existing in a family that don’t validate you.

    The biological correlate to family love is that of attatchment

    Attatchment is being – soothed- seen (validated emotionally) – and secure.

    If there are issues there. Yeah.

    I think too we have often tried to medicate attatchment issues away without truly understanding them.

    in reply to: I talk to myself #99921

    Key points
    1. Cause is default mode network I think and wondering about medication status.
    2. We must be mindful of our own persona we demonstrate in these spontaneous day dreams as we might not be able to stop them, but we can be mindful of their contents and steer them such that we can practice being the person we wish to be in life. We are just as responsible for our behavior in them, as we are outside in the world. Be aware that we don’t have feed back in our heads from
    Others the same so that mindfulness of this fact is important.

    I do wonder if you are medicated for adhd.

    I would think it might help somewhat with this if I understand where it comes from

    I think it’s our default mode network being active along with our task positive network. (Adhd add people have issue where they both activate at same time
    When they are supposed to be inverse)

    I believe stimulants can help with it if not already on it. As I know my dad does it and he always did it inside his head but also ended up still having small movement jazz hands so you could tell as he drove he was doing it.

    If I’m rt about the cause again, meditation I belief can help as I’ve read that mindfulness helps the adhd brain partly because it kinda forces that brain activity I referenced earlier to kinda reach a better eqalibrium.

    Also, I will caution you on one thing I learned about this behavior. I don’t do it a Ton, but I def do it.

    1. Often they are reflections of how I want to feel inside or feel in situations. This is done mind you independent of any real world feed back. Words matter, if we describe our selves as the intense ass whole you need but can’t always stand, we will identify and be that person. It’s not healthy to think like that, it is healthy to take pride in who we are but know we are more dynamic than any ridgid belief we currently hold of who we are and it is this fact that once reconized allows us to grow as people.

    In trying to watch how I related to people after going from #1 in my office for 2 years running to finding my self out of a job after we changed executives. (Has a guy similiar to me in charge then got a much calmer collected guy).

    I realized I needed to change how I thought about my self not take pride Kim that but rather take pride in my commitment to improvment and truly reconstructing my self to be better in those situations.

    During that period after job loss I had a lot of those moments pop up where I vented or had various discussions Go on.

    I’m these Mak adaptive day dream, processing, just our brain thinking what ever we call it, I noticed the attitude and persona I had for my self wasn’t the one I wanted to take pride in any more, in realizing I could be different, I realized I needed to take responsibility too for how I acted in these day dreams as well. For if you think about it, the attitude we have in them
    Is the same we will build and express in the real world.

    in reply to: Addicted, to problem solving? #92288

    My highest strength on the Gallup strength finder is that of the Restorative which basically translates to I observe and fix problems.

    I thing this occurs for a number of reasons and dopamine is one of them.

    At least with how we relate to “fixing people” and ourselves. I know it’s importamt to understand our attatchment style. A large number of us fall into the “Fearful-Avoidant” or “Anxious-AVoidant” attatchment style. Overall I was reading some studies on ADHD and attatchment style and about 82% of us fall into the insecure attatchment areas.

    It’s characteristic for us to walk around with shame internally weather for feeling like we don’t control our selves or any umber of the other 6000 reasons we can come up with. When things are going well it’s easy to ignore these issues deep inside us. They tend to create various problems for us that compound other issues when they aren’t going well.

    Self acceptance of our flaws and strengths as a whole is a foundational skill for happiness and focus in life. Yet 9/10 people report they rather suck at it. (And let’s be honest, we may ignore things but not truly accept them or we may have stumbled upon some of these answers anyway. I thought I did previously but found my self reverting during a dificult part of life. What this showed me was I needed to take this stuff more seriously so that I could move forward.

    Ultimately if we don’t have a love for ourself, we constantly will see negative things in others. Also it is this fog that I never saw through till I did headspaces “relationship” meditation pack that trained compassion for the self and others. I remember doing this and feeling like I had finnally seen through that fog that was the “slightly negative”. “people fixer” which I the. Realized was based out of a lack of compassion and secure feeling in my self”

    This sounds a bit deep and weepy i Dmitry. But what seemed to happen that’s led me on this was a series of chance encounters that have basically created a whole year where it caused me to learn more about my self from different perspectives and even in relationships on top of the fact that I’ve meditated for 106 days in a row.

    We run forward full strength in life accomplishing and knocking down any goal we get our selves engadged with. Even if we can go into areas and start as the underdog and come out after showing that we became number one in various arenas through our intense hyperfocus and attention to detail that occurs when we are engadged. At a certain point I believe we either have the privledge to hit a wall prior to really setting our lives up or we hit one years later not realizing so much about life. As if we are lucky we are able to learn about it refuse to give up and be open to understanding the many things we inadvertently ignored about our selves.

    I have found the following things helpful
    1. Meditation (I use headspace)
    2. Has a year of getting out of a 7 year relationship ship and then went into 2 shorter ones over the course of the next year with cvery different people – 1- a smart engineer who came down with major depression ( in hind sight this showed me the extent of anxiety and insecurity I can feel in a relationship due to the attatchment style) -2- a female version of me who had a kid and had a life that mirrors d mine in so many ways it was hard to let it go. Difference was she was a female version of me who had been through 10 years in therapy and came out of it pretty awesome and impressive. THIs was at a point where my life had kinda fallen apart career wise the day before meeting her. She was ok with my situation as she hadn’t been there before which felt good. We only lasted a month but it showed me things I needed to see that with the right work I could feasibly have as well. She also over the phone when a kid got tantrum Inc how she instead of trying to quiet him down showed me how she helped him identify his feeling and lable it and then get distance from it. (Rule of emotions is you can’t ignore them, they come back later through{emotional leakage). But I remember hearing her lead him through that and just feeling like “my god, that’s what I want in a mother to my children because I could only imagine Had I had that.
    3. Joining therapy ( I teach kids to realize that we don’t need specific issues or diagnosis for this, think of them as performance coaches. Michael Phelps even sees one and explains they help him to reach higher than ever before.)
    4. I decided there was nothing wrong with doing both audio books and actual books/ebooks of the same books as long as they helped me to get through info faster and more richer. So I listened to audio book and then went back and am
    Looking over and revieweing the physical book to make highlights and absorb the material better.
    5. I read listened to “emotional Agility” this I have found to be amazingly important book to have down. I think of it like my bible for life now. The biggest rule of emotions is that we process them the way our parents did themselves.(I dont Know about you but i has a couple alarm bells go off in my head when I first read that… clearly most of us have at least a couple of gaps in properly handling emotions. This book is the model for our emotional life. st become the skills I am embracing in my self, relationship and with kids of mine (future) and those I meet along the way.
    6. “How emotions are made” Lisa Feldman Barret.
    This is facinating way to view emotions and it fits with in the model of “emotional agility”. The crazy thing is there is no I have thing as universal emotions and yet the emotional granularity we demonstrate in life has hiluge impacts in how we live our life , train our brain to respond to our enviroment and even weather or not we have a 30% higher risk for depression and anxiety.
    Lisa Feldman Barret has a Ted talk that was interesting and an article as well on Ted ed. I look forward to really going through this.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Dave123. Reason: My name is in my email
    • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Penny Williams.
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)