My Forum Comments
My fiance ( 52 ) manages his ADHD just fine without medication.
“All kids are hyper”.
Nope. Neither one of mine were. You should schedule an appointment with a pediatrician. That is the only thing I can think of. Perhaps therapy without medication for your son would be in order. Eventually, what is going on with him could affect your other children, not to mention you becoming burned out.
My Fiance has ADHD, and has his phone with him no matter where he is.
It is sometimes annoying, but I don’t expect it to change. A few years ago, it caused problems, mostly in the evening. Its not like he is the CEO/CFO of the company he works for, but his subordinates would contact him via “Slack” and FB Messenger at all hours…annoying when I’m trying to get to sleep.
His one co worker would send him messages at 10:30, did so for 4 days straight. My fiance slept right thru the alert chime, but I was wide awake after his phone went off.
When I mentioned it to him, he got pissy about it, and acted like I was accusing him of something. (Cheating?)
I explained to him that every time his phone went off for the last 4 days it woke me up, and I had a hard time getting back to sleep afterwards. The solution? Either disable the alerts, or tell your office buddy to stop messaging you late at night when we are trying to sleep.
For the record, it in no way takes two to destroy a marriage
When one person is abusive, they destroy the marriage. In no way is the person on the receiving end of the abuse to blame.
Take it from someone who divorced an angry and abusive man after 17 years of marriage.
Angry, rageful outbursts, and controlling behavior don’t get better, it only gets worse.
Also, it is no example to set for your children if you have them. Ultimately, that is what got me to leave him after 10 years of abuse. I didn’t want our son thinking it was OK to treat women like shit, and I didn’t want my daughter to think that all men were like him, and that she should settle for what she can get.
My ex husband raved that a divorce would “F**k Up” the children, because all children with divorced parents are…
I’d had enough. I sank into an abyss of depression because of the abuse.
Your wife will only change if she works at it, and is not in denial. This will take time. She is probably overwhelmed by her diagnosis, not to mention the work involved with developing a strategy for managing her life. Has she seen a Cognitive Behavioral therapist? My fiance sought one out years ago, to help him become organized, etc. He was tired of forgetting and losing things, and agreed to go on medication along with the CBT. He said the meds helped him focus on what the therapist taught him.
He is now 52, and has not been on medication since before we met. (We’ve been together for 4 years.)
Also, I agree with some of the other posters. Your wife is not “abnormal”. She has ADHD. You are neurotypical, she is not. You need to step back, stop parenting her, and let her work on this.
That said, in your defense….I imagine you are frustrated. You didn’t know your wife long before you married. You weren’t together long enough for the hyper focus stage to wear off. You thought you knew her and when her behavior changed, you felt like you got the old “bait and switch”. You are, as Melissa Orlov wrote “Mourning the relationship you thought you had”.
I understand your concern with having a child. You could have a child with ADHD, and that could exacerbate the situation. Then again, it may not.
Give it time. You don’t have children and have not been married long.
- This reply was modified 1 year, 9 months ago by Celeste65.
My fiancee found that CBT helped him more than any drug did.
He is not on ADD meds, hasn’t been for years. Therapy may be a good option for you.
Another thing you should consider is how having a child or children with ADHD/ADD would complicate things.
I have read numerous posts on another ADHD website, from spouses who are the only “nons” in the house, and what challenges they face.
Weed is not a cure all for everything.
For the record, My angry and abusive Ex-Husband did not have brain issues. He did not have ADHD/ADD or Aspergers.
He flipped a switch one day, about 4 years into our marriage, after the birth of our son. Suddenly he was angry all the time. Nothing I said or did was good enough. He complained constantly and criticized me and said hurtful things to me regularly.
He took advantage of me when I was depressed. ( I have a history of depression going back 30 years now. )
Because I allowed him to treat me this way for over a decade, and finally got away from him I refuse to live like that ever again.
I don’t care what the reason/excuse is, no one will EVER abuse me, or rage at me ever again. I won’t tolerate it. I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than subject myself to such treatment.
And yes, I can empathize with others. I understood that my Ex-husband’s Dad was controlling and had a temper. My Dad had a temper also, and wanted things done his way. I have never abused others because of how I was raised. I’m an adult and know better. If a person has brain issues and that causes them to be rageful and angry, that is sad and unfortunate. It is also a total mind f**k for the person on the receiving end. My ex would act like he didn’t remember what he said and did, then be pissed at me when I kept my distance. Nothing excuses his behavior.
I divorced my angry and abusive husband after 17 years. We have been apart now for seven years and it was the best decision I could have made. My children do not have to witness his rageful outbursts. Our son did not grow up thinking it was okay to treat women like s***, and our daughter has grown up knowing that not all men are assholes and to expect less when it comes to relationships.
My self-esteem was down to nothing because of his verbal tirades. There were many days that I wished I were dead so that it could be over. I started over at 47 years old. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but definitely the best decision for me. It’s saved my sanity.
There is never an excuse to treat the person you claim to love like garbage. ADD is not an excuse for bad behavior