Big L

My Forum Comments

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  • Big L
    Participant

    Wow, so many of your statements hit home. Just remember, it’s ok to be you. Minds wander, everyone’s mind wanders. That is what minds do. Our minds seem to wander, squirrel, wander, squirrel, etc… Squirrel meaning that they move from one item to another without remembering the first thing.

    Both my wife and I have ADHD. It’s a wonder that anything gets done around our house. We’re not filthy people, we’re not intentionally starting something planning on not finishing it. Your laundry statement made my wife send your post to me because I do that all the time. Put a load in and totally forget that I did. I’ve tried timers and alarms, still, nothing seems to work.

    Since we were diagnosed a little over a year ago, we have started to laugh at ourselves for “squirreling.” It makes no sense to get upset about it because that is how our minds work. It’s made it much easier to understand each other too.

    Our house becomes cluttered a day or so after we clean it. I have taken hours to clean one room just to have it cluttered up in a day or so. If there is a flat surface anywhere in our house, my wife will find it and put something on it. She doesn’t do it on purpose, it’s just how her brain works. So I try to cover our flat surfaces with things that contribute to organization. Things like file folders, small drawer or cabinet organizing items, etc. That may seem extreme but it works. The only problem with it is that there is a lot of “STUFF” in our house that other people put in drawers or cupboards. It is what it is for sure.

    in reply to: High School Freshman Refusing to do Schoolwork #101608
    Big L
    Participant

    As a 57yr old male that fits your daughters discription to the letter I wish to add my perspective if you will?

    Pushing me was the last thing that my parents should have done. I could learn the subjects in no time at all, but I refused to turn in the homework because in my eyes it was wasted time. I figured that if I could pass the final test with a 90% or above, homework was “stupid.” Telling my patents that I was smarter than they were wasn’t a good idea, so I acted ignorant about the homework and waited for the tests. Eventually I decided to drop out of school and join the Army. At 17, I was in the Army, married and expecting my first child. (Some may think I had to get married, that was not the case). I needed the structure and urgency that the Army gave me. Getting married was what I thought I should be doing at that stage of my life. Or, was it?

    I have a severe case of RSD. Of course I didn’t know that at the time, but if you were to tell me that I couldn’t do something, I was going to show you that you were wrong, and I was not. Which brings me to my point. It took my Commanding Officer telling me that I was not worth a thing. That the Army made a terrible mistake when they let me join. Then he barred me from reenlistment, kicked me out og his Battery, and sent me to see the CSM at Battalion. The can asked me what I was looking for and I told him I didn’t want to be wasting time doing a job I was not trained to do. He put me in A Battery doing my trained job. Within a few months they lifted the bar, promoted me, and talked me into reenlisting. From there on, I took control of my life’s direction. My education became important, not only did I get my GED, I went on to get my diploma, and a degree in computer science.

    Sometimes it can take someone else to get us going. My mother never gave up on me. Food for thought is all. Sorry for the long story. I tend to ramble.

    Big L
    Participant

    Wow, Penny is right, he probably has RSD, I do and it is a tough issue to deal with, without meds and counseling. He knows there is something different about him vs. everyone else. Without someone giving him some direction, he will not find out for a long time what it is. One idea would be to take the symptoms test together, just, happen to be on this site one of these times when you’re with him, then tell him, something like, Oh, there is a test here for ADHD, I think we should see how we score. or something to that effect. It might work, you never know. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 56, oh how I wish it would have been sooner. My life decisions would have been very different in a good way. Don’t put yourself in harm’s way though, if he can’t get control of himself and won’t get the help he needs you shouldn’t stay in that type of a relationship. That’s my opinion for what it’s worth.

    in reply to: When ADHD marries ADHD #91268
    Big L
    Participant

    Let me come at this from the guy’s point of view. My wife and I were both diagnosed with ADHD. Prior to our diagnosis we just plugged along coping in our own ways without understanding why we do what we do.

    We also have the opposite types, she is an extrovert, and I am an introvert, she is social, and I am a loner. She is like you, does stuff in the house because she knows it needs to be done, and I am a procrastinator, put things off until I feel it’s urgent.

    In counseling, I learned about my way of thinking. If it is not one of these 4 things, I’m not motivated.

    1. New
    2. Exciting
    3. Interesting
    4. Urgent

    How can you get any of the housekeeping chores to fit in any of these four categories to motivate me to do them?

    Let’s use, taking out the trash for instance. Is it new? Well the trash itself is new but the chore, taking it out is not. Is it exciting? Nope, nothing exciting about taking out the trash. Is it interesting? No, can’t think of anything in the trash, or on the way to the trash can outside that would make it interesting. What about urgent? Here is where we can make a case for this chore. When does taking out the trash become urgent to the procrastinator? When it is completely full and ready to overflow, yes. But that’s not when it’s urgent to my wife, it’s urgent to my wife when she sees it almost to the top.

    She used to be like you, and have to nag, and then finally get upset and raise her voice. That doesn’t happen anymore. Now that she understands my mind, and I better understand hers, we talk about the things that we differ on in a safe way. (That is a topic for another discussion) The result was, I now understand that if she has to mention the trash to me, then it has become urgent to her. That now makes it urgent for me, where before talking about it, I didn’t understand that. So I now understand that if she has to mention it to me it has become urgent to her. Now in my mind, if it’s urgent to her, it is now urgent to me. But it took that discussion to help me understand.

    My wife is a clutter bug, if there is a flat spot in our house, there will soon be something stacked on it. I cannot stand it. It’s not that our house is dirty, it’s cluttery, bad. I’ve spent hours organizing STUFF that she has piled in many different places. Once done, there were more flat spots and they became cluttered once again. This too, has been discussed in a safe way, the clutter still exists, but get’s straightened up or, cleaned up if I mention it, because she now understands that I feel like it has gotten out of hand. The only reason I’m not a big clutter bug is that I spent 17 years in the service. Had to pass too many inspections to be leaving things laying around. However, I will admit that the area around me becomes cluttered while I’m there, but get’s straightened up before I leave that area.

    Here’s a thought for you, decide together what chores you will each be responsible for, then use a timer to make a chore urgent for him. Using the trash again, you could use an egg timer and bring it to him set at 10 minutes letting him know the trash needs to be taken out. He now knows that he has 10 minutes to get that chore done before the nagging/yelling begins. But make sure you talk about this beforehand and he is ok with it. Otherwise, it just won’t work. I know some of you will say why should she have to even mention it if it is his responsibility? It’s because we just don’t see what you see. That’s the only way I can explain it, I’m not being irresponsible, it’s just a fact, I don’t see what my wife see’s that needs to be done. It’s not in my thought process. Anyway, that is my two cents. Good luck. It’s working for us very well.

    Big L
    Participant

    I was just recently diagnosed with ADHD, and I’m almost 57 years old. While discussing this with my counselor she gave me something that made so much sense to me. The ADD/ADHD brain is amazing at making snap decisions. However, if it’s something that needs to be meditated on or researched we can get lost in information gathering, and weighing all of our options. She gave me the acronym, NICU, (New, Interesting, Challenging, Urgent). Something new grabs our attention, but, if it isn’t interesting to us, we will become bored with it and move on to something else. If it is interesting we have the ability to super focus, the same goes for Challenging. Urgent describes our ability to make snap decisions. After this was described to me I reflected on my life and the jobs I have held. Military for 17 years, Truck Driver, Computer consultant, Terminal Manager, and Operations Manager. Each of these jobs goes along with the NICU explanation. I could never work on a production line or as a secretary in an office, I would go crazy. In school, I always wanted to move forward instead of going over, and over, what was being taught. So after the first time going over something I would start drawing until something new was being taught. That didn’t always go over well with the teachers until I repeated back to them what they were teaching. Attending school was very boring! Ok, so on to what I would do and have done my whole life. If an opportunity for something presented itself I would jump into it. No thinking about it, just do it. That makes it New, Interesting, Challenging, and Urgent which activates our brains. I had no idea that this is what I was doing to cope with my ADHD, that and always bouncing my legs when I was bored and had to focus. Jobs that are great for people with ADHD would be jobs such as, police officer, paramedic, doctor, lawyer, manager, and others that require quick thinking and decision making. I don’t know commercial real estate so I can’t say that it would be something I would do. But, if you like it and can get lost in it for hours then it will work for you. I love spreadsheets, I start working on building one and can be lost in it for hours and hours. Forgetting to eat and sleep. Anyway, sorry for my long-winded reply, thanks to everyone for the support that is provided here.

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