My Forum Comments
We don’t know him, but do you think it is safe to leave someone who is basically 15 or 16 (behaviorally) alone for an extended time? We can be frustrating to know, but you can’t retaliate… Well, you CAN, but is it going to help?
I’ve never had video games to escape into, but I have listened to CDs and not heard a smoke detector through a floor and several walls. Even watching tv might be enough to “drown out” sound to try to forget any bad feelings he’s having about himself and the world.
I guess I’d try… oh, never mind. If I were him I’d feel lost and guilty for not being a better kid. If he felt more empowered to learn life skills he’ll be a better student and employee. Is there anywhere near you that he can go, even a library if there isn’t a vocational type counselor?
What I was going to say, for an more immediate impact… Maybe he thinks a family meeting is about or will dissolve into an attack against him. (I probably wouldn’t feel “safe”.) So, maybe try leaving a pleasant-looking note on his door: “Hi Billy, We are having a meeting about going on vacation this summer. I’d really like your input! Staying home alone won’t be an option, so please come upstairs around 5:30. Luv, Momster.” If he doesn’t show up, move the meeting to the floor outside his door…
The internet in my area isn’t super-reliable (issues with the provider and that is our only option…) so I bought a Day-Timer with each month on 2 facing pages and notes/action spaces along one side and lined on the back. It is big enough to not get easily lost in a pile of stuff and looks professional (I attached a tiny rubber chicken to the zipper-closure for “personality”).… Oh, yeah, the zipper closes the whole thing up so things won’t fall out! It should last for years, but the pages get replaced so if one style doesn’t work I can try another but don’t have to start 100% new every year. I remove old months as I am done with them/notes rewritten on designated pages, so that about the time I should be thinking about getting a refill, the binder has become noticeably lighter triggering in my brain to actually go buy the refill.
Stickers sound like fun, but I need to keep things as simple as possible. I tried a “cute” notebook, but I prefer the streamlined approach- nothing to distract me or make me feel weird about. Carrying a glitter notebook into any job interview isn’t for me, but the rubber chicken (or his replacement) is a nice dose of artistic spunk.
Throw an impromptu “When Harry Met Sally” New Year’s party? (I seem to be in a Billy Crystal mood. Yes, I’m older…)
Spaceboy 99: Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
I keep forgetting about the RSD… had that forever.
Rejection IS better than uncertainty. “Be a fool!” It is better to do anything than nothing. Any artist who shares their work, Thomas Edison, SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) members, a toddler giving his mommy a dandelion…
Take the bull by the horns and rip ’em right off!
Oh…the computer moved my spaces! For anyone else out there who didn’t “get” my odd paragraph:
Blurting something (isn’t always bad but can be embarrassing)
vs. Need to say something (“Don’t get in your car, there’s a pool of gas!”)
vs. Can/should say something (“What you said in class made me think…in a different way.”)
Ella, I hope you get a lot of responses! It is a great topic.
So glad I’m not the only one with this. I was writing a response, but it was turning into an essay, so I stopped to reevaluate.
Maybe your answer is in your last sentence, but I’m going to add a bit to maybe bring some perspective:
Just being impulsive vs. need to say vs. think I can/should say.
Blurting something Don’t get in your What you said in
isn’t always bad but vs. car there’s a vs. class made me think
can be humiliating. pool of gas!! about this in a
About my crushes:
Some last mere moments and turn out to be creeps. Some turn out to be inappropriate (otherwise taken, way too young). Some last longer and evolve into good friendships.
I agree with ADHDmomma…
1. Have you ever walked into a room and felt tension or negative vibes in the air? Those red flag words are likely reflected in the feelings in whatever room you are in or the rooms where conflicts frequently occur.
2. Do not (please!) ever say, “I/We love you, but _______.” The only thing someone being ganged up on by angry/frustrated adults (even if the person being talked at is an adult) is “But…” The “I love you” part is interpreted as “Yeah, right. Nothing I ever do is right, enough, appreciated…”
3. I forget the statistic or where I read it, but for some of us, we get about 10 insults/beratements/criticisms for 1 positive comment. I think I’m understating the #s. So who knows how long it takes to recover from that even if communication styles change immediately??
I used to think that once I moved out and never heard another criticism again that it would take as long to “get over” the negativity as it was lived through. That doesn’t happen. There’s too many errors to make, too many behaviors that need to be addressed (even with the best therapy). It doesn’t even take twice the time. Say I moved out at 18 and tried to get to normal (but “they” never did) so 18×3=54. I’m almost 54 and still hear “you’re unlovable” in my head. I never wanted to talk to them again, but they are family, be that as it may. So I keep to myself and don’t share more than I want to, and am then criticized for that!
It takes a lot of energy when you are an adult, much less a child/teen, to keep your sanity in stressful situations. TV and video games allow you to almost forget the world for a while. Not that those are the greatest “escapes”, but they are something that isn’t focused on his behavior.August 12, 2018 at 2:31 pm in reply to: Think Before You Act? Easier Said Than Done (new user) #90927
You might’ve been joking about the TBYA tattoo, but for me the tat would be a distraction itself. I hate name tags and have even removed logos from shirts (scratched off or used a seam ripper).
When I need to assemble something with lots of little parts I separate them into coffee mugs or dixie cups, and if there are enough of those, I’ll put them onto a plate, cookie sheet… If I feel my temper getting to me, I pause and look at all the little parts that I’d have to hunt down if I even pushed it aside (because naturally it would fall off the table or tip over and have them roll under the sofa, fridge,…
But I also divide M&Ms by color.
… then I look at the pictures. Except the last thing I assembled didn’t have pictures and the instructions were in Japanese and all of the bolts were too short, so I am returning it.
I’ve learned to read through Tables of Contents (non-fiction). If a chapter seems long, I’ll flip to it to see why: Are there maps, charts, pictures, diagrams?
Anyway, I try to break an activity down as far as I can for simplicity. If there might be a detour while driving, I try to plan ahead (and try to remember to bring an easy-to-read version along).
You seemed normal and these problems appeared overnight…I’m agreeing with “toomanytabs” that you sound young.
What level are you in school? What you are describing is kind of where I was going from high school to college. (ages 17-19)
Looking back, going from the rather monotonous elementary and high school experiences to college where everything was “completely my responsibility” was too much.
All of the coping mechanisms you might’ve developed are being tested big time.
Does your school (or some clinic near you) have a drop-in/”emergency” counselor? Depending on how soon in August your appointment is, you could be going on feeling the same way for several weeks…which can’t feel great. A one-time session just to vent and get some guidance on stress management could help… [Emergency counselors aren’t just for suicide or potential crime interventions (although those are priorities: a session I had once was interrupted for just such a situation), they are for “I need to talk something out and don’t think it can wait for 2 months”.] Do that before you chew your nails too far!
Was this type of topic considered in the divorce? As in: If the child needs any kind of medical treatment (from anything as simple as glasses to potential surgery for a broken leg and needing a wheelchair), who has the authority? And what should happen in a disagreement? You said you didn’t want to get lawyers involved, but this has long-term (as well as just managing the ADHD) health implications for your child.
Nice that you’ve gotten some commissions. That must feel great!
Have you ever tried to work through a temp agency? Sometimes they have positions that can be for a day, a few days, a month…blah…Most likely it won’t be super interesting, but it could be. Plus, unless you are offered a job thru that, you only need to fill out an application once. And doing different things and meeting different people could give you inspiration for art and writing.
Have you gone onto job hunting websites like Indeed? Great for the imagination.
I have a bungee chair (from the Container Store) that I love. It lets me bounce (the seat and back are bungees), height adjusts, there’s airflow, comes in several colors. I put my feet on the parts just over the rollers (I’m 5’6″) or I have a mini ottoman/stool under my desk.June 1, 2018 at 8:58 am in reply to: Was tested and told I don't have ADD. Should I try again? #85370
I was tested twice, about 40 years apart, and not diagnosed either time. (2nd time in a horrible little office with a flickering fluorescent light- grrrr.)
Get evaluated by a human professional. If you still are not diagnosed, perhaps you are a good test-taker/compensate well for your “shortcomings”. Example: using strong artistic skills to visualize how a flat shape will look folded vs. having spatial strengths.
Sounds like me, too. Especially since I have now developed a severe autoimmune condition, the mental energy just isn’t enough to push my body into enough action. Stress and exhaustion do make everything worse.
Question: Has anyone else in your family tree had clutter tendencies? I am very organized at work, too, but after going thru my Dad’s estate, I see where he struggled mightily are places where I slack off when exhausted. And my mother has mostly clean countertops, but inside the cupboards is another story. I’m not even going to mention the closets. I don’t have that gene. My cupboards are lovely but few, so I have the piles.
If you live where the weather is constantly changing maybe you can use your varied interests/hobbies as the weather allows. ? I try to keep my hobbies in “zones”/boxes/shelves.(Things like hiking…I keep my favorite boots/shoes ready where I can see them and go spur-of-the-moment.) It makes it easier to catch up on decluttering when I can’t decide what to do that 1/2 hour or when I get into a cleaning mood or can’t go anywhere ‘cuz a blizzard is going on. [Or days like today, when I have a cold and have no energy, I can sit and sort papers with Kleenex in front of me…]