My Forum Comments
I have both too. I was assaulted out of nowhere from behind while using a urinal at a night club then again by at least 2 people outside (I couldn’t see at that point so that one still haunts me). This happened 15 years ago. I was a boxer in college so people thing it shouldn’t affect me as much because I have confidence with violence. Just the opposite happened. Now I am afraid of badly hurting someone because I was enraged after the incident. Suffered from panic attacks often until about 5 years ago – now I still have them but have coping skills.
I was only diagnosed with ADHD last year at 48. My meds (Cymbalta) for anxiety and ADHD (Adderall) go together nicely so that was no problem.
As far as telling “sweety” goes – if you haven’t already – try telling them in vague terms at first. Then tell them you will keep telling the story every month but add a little bit of detail when it feels right. Eventually the beans will be spilled without any real shock.
B0PeepJune 3, 2018 at 1:25 am in reply to: What to do if undiagnosed and suspecting, but your family won’t listen? #85460
Ah yes, the “indignity” of having a family member (especially your off spring) diagnosed with a disease! My mother was a freaking teacher of Psychiatric nursing and she still denies my diagnosis at 48 years old (got unofficial (only an interview) diagnosis at 25 but was discouraged so badly by mother that I did not pursue). My sister is an RN too!
I can tell you with no reservations there is nothing a parent can not overlook when they want to!
A couple other points:
– you didn’t “get it a couple years ago”. You are born with it.
– good news! LOADS of “health” college kids binge on stimulants to study well so even if you don’t have it I have a feeling school is about to get easier!
As for the hyperfocus vs lack of focus part – that is normal with ADHD. Also, adults generally don’t show the “H” in “ADHD”. I might be wrong, but I am assuming we have it but we have learned to hide it by instinct. One more thing (yes, you can tell my case is fairly severe! ), ADHD is considered genetic so if you are not diagnosed there may actually be reason to question your daughters diagnosis (I know that sends you in circles but thoroughness is worth it here).
… And yet another thing! I too have General Anxiety (diagnosed after a major trauma 15 years ago but analysis suggests it was always there) and I was also excellent in school but lost the moment I went corporate. I am turning 49 soon and my diagnosis is only about a year old so we will have a LOT in common!
Doesn’t sound like your wife is being fair. She is asking you to change the core of how you think because she doesn’t want to change a small part of how she thinks. If you have an official (specialist) diagnosis of ADHD then it is safe to say you have a documented PHYSICAL (chemical to be more precise) reason why this is difficult for you. To change this she is asking you to adjust your meds or just willpower your way to change your thinking patterns enough to change neurotransmitters – which takes YEARS (yes, I am a science geek). For her to say she “can’t” do it but you can is hypocritical.
I didn’t just come up with this. It is part of my decade+ long battle with my teacher wife (who is A SPECIALIST in special needs including ADHD!!). The fact that you are here trying to change is proof that you are working honestly toward helping both of you. Ask her what she is doing to meet you in the middle! For example, she doesn’t need to change her thoughts. She could just “filter” the extra stuff – the stuff that is “thinking out loud”. This way she still has the same process but says less out loud and you can BOTH communicate better. If she is unwilling you should see and counsellor. If she refuses cut your losses. I know I am being harsh but I am in that process myself and have no reservations about it.
Good luck Stephanie.
LOL. Your ADHD is loud and clear. The run on sentences punctuated by capital letters are a solid hint.
Seriously though – I second a ton of what you said. Especially the last part about being with a planner/therapist. I always dated “bad” girls growing up because they appreciated my quiet confidence and wacky sense of humour. Mostly though I liked them because I was to shy with introductions so they made them and also because they were damaged people like me so they were appreciative of my good points and didn’t sweat the bad. Think I will return to this habit.
I have been married for over 10 years to a severe OCD planner and martyr type. For many years I took the superficial view everyone else had that her generosity was great and I thought I could use her example to make myself a person to be proud of in mirroring her. The trouble was the constant drama and the fact that she NEVER allows anyone to pay her back. Everyone in her life feels spiteful of her because she makes us feel guilty. For so many years I thought (and she likey does) that I drove her friends away but it was her. Through the fights I kept saying an old Tragically Hip line “I’ll do the rolling, you do the details”. I still think it was a perfect plan for ADHD and I did follow through but she refuses to see it like that.
I agree with your key point and it is rather simple. We need someone who can not just deal with our mess and faults but laugh at them. In real love your partners faults are always the parts you miss most when they are out of sight (even for the day).
As for dating someone with ADHD – yes, wonderful idea but BE CAREFUL. Take your time, carefully document each of your weaknesses (openly) and strengths and, like a business merger, see if you complement each other in practical terms. If you don’t have that, eventually when life gets rough you will resent each other for the chaos. If you do have it, it won’t get rough because you can always comfort each other :). Good luck.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by B0Peep.
DON’T. I know it sounds harsh and simplified but as a 39 year old (rounding down) who knew on first site of the term I had it 24 years ago – It is not going to change. Really sorry to break it to you, but that is how it goes for most as far as I can tell. I am a bus driver in a big city full of crazy people (even crazier than me) and I have swapped more war stories than you can count. I have NEVER heard of denial parents (on this subject or pretty much any other) converting.
The “good” news:
You can learn to at least feel better about yourself by just letting them live in their own world. It is uncomfortable for them to change so just keep telling yourself “I am bigger, stronger, and more generous than you – and I will revel when the day comes that you realize it and look at me as the greater good I have become”. Imagine you were a loving spouse who was seduced by someone who was WAY out of your league. It eats away at you to keep the secret but if you break the silence you are only being selfish.
LOL. Sorry. I suppose you will have to get used to the fact that here people will start answering your post before reading it all, like I did. Just noticed the “queer trans” bit. So you already know what I’m saying, don’t you?
Also, an exact ditto with my mother. She is famous as “crazy Izzy” – a well known quirky woman who was a renowned artist in her day.
Going to take a leap here – “queer trans” and all I’m guessing you are on the West coast like me. And you moved from the East to get away from your family. I should add that I worked my ass off and spent every penny visiting them when I was broke and making them happy and now that I have kids they won’t lift a finger to help me or even meet us half way when we travel. I don’t think I will be seeing much of them anymore. Especially after I leave my intolerant wife that they pushed me into marrying…
Oh well… This is the first time I have ever written a long post on the internet for anything but your situation just screamed at me so I had to sign up and bang this out. If you want anymore advice or anything I’ll be around. I’m full of the stuff when it’s not MY problems 😉