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  • atracurium

    I will be 49 in two months and was just diagnosed with ADHD. Although my son and three nephews were all diagnosed around age 10 I never thought to be tested myself as I didn’t see anything wrong with my behaviors. What a mistake. I have had almost all of these signs and symptoms my entire life and in the last couple years have struggled with everything. I felt I was having a midlife crisis and set out on a journey of self discovery. I started seeing a counselor and trying to be mindful or be present in the moment as they say. Things have gotten somewhat better but I decided to be tested anyway. The thought being nothing will change because I am trying to be a better person. I mean how could they, I’m really trying… right? My diagnosis was yesterday and in ADHD hyper focused style I started watching YouTube lectures to learn about this disorder. I am again in ADHD style, hyper emotional about what I’m learning and how this has impacted everything from my childhood to the present. Devastated is an understatement. Everything in my life just clicked and I feel as if it’s fallen on top me. I feel overwhelmed by the shear amount of examples that directly apply to me caused some much difficulty in life. I feel guilty for not closely examining how the diagnosis would affect my son and how to help him. I now understand my feelings that I don’t fit in any group although I have tried so hard. I also understand my problems with people at work and the difficulty they have been dealing with as we work together. I get why I get so upset about things that were not that big a deal yet I get over the top angry or frustrated about. Wow… just WOW..!

    Well. I asked for it.. I went looking and boy did I find it. I’m trying to see this as a mixed bag of good and bad. I can’t change the past but I can understand it and attempt to reconcile where I can. I can attempt to pick up the pieces of my shattered sense of self and rebuild. I can someday look forward and attempt to imagine my future self. But for now it’s time to educate myself and find the best path forward for the sake of my sanity.

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