My Forum Comments
Wow… that all makes it sound like driving might be possible if I ever get to where I can afford meds and a car. I had pretty much given up on it but now I may rethink that and try again!
Here’s a funny story to reward all your help on this issue… I picked up a rattlesnake a couple of nights ago and moved him to a nice safe spot, and then 20 minutes later I found him right back on the road again. Well… you know that ADD overwhelm thing? Crazy holiday weekend traffic, a distracted driver who almost hit the snake the second time we found him, and I’d just had enough. So when the second team pulled over to check in with us, they found me seat belting a snake bucket into the back seat, and dared to ask me, “Sooo… WHY is he in a bucket?”
I told them, “Because it’s the second *&#* time I’ve found him on the road tonight, and it’s NOT happening again, so now he’s cruising with me for the night!”
So that rattlesnake rode shotgun for rest of the night. By the time I released him, I was ready to laugh at myself, and at the expression on my teammates’ faces when they saw me buckling him into a seat belt. In fact, I’m STILL laughing at myself! That’s ADD… sometimes you’re just gonna lose it for a little while! 🙂
Totally true, but my ADD made learning to drive impossible. I had no issue learning to operate the vehicle, but a great deal of trouble knowing exactly where I was on the road. Eventually I just gave up on it. I wanted to take professional lessons, but it costs $400 here, and it didn’t make sense to spend $400 on the long shot, when I knew I couldn’t afford a car anyway. So, I’ve had to make do, but it is maddening. The only time I was ever really relaxed was alone in the woods, but now, because I can’t drive, I can literally never be alone in the woods. I need someone to drive me there. Being able to drive would change everything.
I love the idea of the sub bags! It would also make it easier to find things in the bags.
I walk to and from work. It’s only a little over a mile. One reason it’s so hard to find a better job is that I’m in a town with no reliable public transport, so I have to be able to walk to work. There’s hope though, because on top of what I mentioned, I’m part of a large ongoing research thing, and it looks like we’re getting a grant that I’ll get paid pretty well from. At the same time, the owner of the company I work for is talking about closing the business, so I’ll either end up on unemployment or full time on the research. I’ll end up working the same number of hours but from home and on my own schedule, so I won’t be so sleep deprived.
I only patrol nightly from mid-May until the rattlesnakes have all made it back to their hibernacula (usually by mid-October). so I just have to get through the season. I’ve been doing it for years. Normally I work with a partner who drives and we both work with the animals. This year we’re running two teams, and my driver is someone who wants to help out with the project, but doesn’t want anything to do with the animals. He just drives. If there are two rattlesnakes on the road and cars coming, I have to find a way to grab both of them myself, instead of letting my partner handle one of them. And instead of 2 expert sets of eyes on the road, there’s only mine, so it’s way more stressful and exhausting this season, which is probably why the bag thing is making me crazy.August 11, 2017 at 1:12 am in reply to: Boyfriend with ADHD just broke up with me because he is too stressed #56931
I totally get where he’s coming from, which is why I choose to avoid relationships. With ADD and no way to get any kind of treatment, it’s all I can do to get through a day in a job that’s an ADD person’s nightmare. Since I always feel like I’m juggling too many knives and they’re on the verge of falling all around me, I simply don’t have anything left to give to someone who needs any kind of intimacy or needs me to deal with their stuff when I can’t even manage my own. But if he didn’t love you, he probably would have just shut down or walked away without looking back. I suspect he wants to be with you but he can’t right now without ruining a really solid, positive friendship. So I wouldn’t shut the door. I’d go with, “I get that you’re overwhelmed and can’t deal with being in a relationship right now, but I’m still your friend, so call me if you need me. No strings attached.” I’d go with it for 2 reasons: 1. You obviously have a friendship that’s good for both of you, so why walk away from that entirely? and 2. The fact that you’re willing to take a step back without breaking off contact entirely will perhaps in time reassure him that you’re never going to demand more than he can offer, and that may be the missing piece for him.
As someone who used to engage in full contact medieval style martial arts, I can tell you that chain mail is HEAVY and it’s really hard on the neck and shoulders if you don’t belt it at the waist instead of letting the weight drag on the upper body. I have a feeling that a weighted vest would have the same effect, and could lead to stiff necks and shoulders.
I can’t say anything about a relationship, because the guy I’m talking about here was happily in a relationship when I met him (and still is), and I learned a very long time ago that I want nothing to do with being in a relationship. Nonetheless, I think this is relevant. a couple of people (one of them his wife) conspired to get us in a room together. Neither of us ever really socializes because of our ADD. When we met, it was like we were one brain in two bodies. Our conversation flowed in a way that neither of us had ever experienced when talking with “normal” people. We left the others in the dust, but they didn’t care. They just laughed at the pair of us and the wife said, “See? Didn’t I tell you?” Every now and again they arrange a repeat performance, primarily because they think it’s hilarious to watch how we bounce from one topic to another so fast they can’t follow us, but never lose each other in the process. I think that people with ADD communicate in a different rhythm from other people, so we rarely get to experience the fluidity of communication that happens between “normal” people. 2 people with ADD are in sync with each other, the way 2 “normal” people are. So on that level, I think it could be a perfect relationship.
The dangerous side is that someone has to be the grownup, and Peter Pan ADDers (like me) aren’t always so good at bring the grownup, so household chores, finances and such may be a bit of an issue.
heypaul11: That’s exactly it! It’s a constant battle to keep people from seeing the issues that will make them think I’m stupid.
Kids (and adults) with ADD seem to do better in natural environments. What about going for walks and trying to see how many different critters you can spot — and don’t forget to include the little guys like spiders and bees. Being outdoors will help her overall state, and the activity of exploring and looking for new species might appeal to the novelty seeking aspects of the ADD brain. Maybe pick up a cheap camera and see how many different critters you can photograph? That will help her to learn to be still and gentle without triggering boredom.
Does he get an allowance? If so, he pays a dollar every time he uses one of those words. Keep a tally and at the end of the week he gets what’s left of his allowance. Don’t act shocked by his language, or make a big deal over it. — that’s likely exactly what he’s looking for. Just record it and calmly let him know you’re recording it. Expect him to test you with tantrums the first time he sees that you’re following through on the consequences. Remind him that how he spends his allowance is entirely up to him, and he chose to spend it on swearing. If he doesn’t get a rise out of you and all it gets him is lost allowance, he’ll get tired of it pretty quickly. Rewarding him with an emotional reaction will perpetuate the problem.
Remember that a big part of ADD is information access. The info is there but needs to be triggered. You can tell me every other day for weeks that you’re going to a big event on a certain date. When that date comes up, I’ll still have forgotten. But when I say, “So, coffee tomorrow?” and you say, “I can’t. Remember I have that concert?” I will not only remember about the concert but I will also remember that you’ve reminded me about it 35 times. The things my sister (who is also my best friend) does to make things run smoothly without treating me like a child:
When we go somewhere, she calls me when she’s leaving home. That way, if I’ve lost track of time (or completely forgotten that we agreed to meet), I have a few minutes to get ready — and I don’t have the embarrassment of having her show up on my doorstep and be forced to wait for me, or show up at a meeting place and me not show up. She lets me know she’s headed my way, and I can just say, “Thanks! See ya in a few,” even if I’d completely forgotten that we were getting together. This arrangement works for both us, because she tends to run late. I can stay in my “zone” until she calls, and she can run a few minutes late without guilt. Of course we still set departure times, so we both know approximately what time we’re leaving or meeting.
Even if she’s told me repeatedly that she’s going away for the weekend, when we part for the last time before the weekend, she reminds me casually that she’s leaving the following day.
When there are important family dates approaching, she finds a way to bring them up in conversation without being patronizing. “Where did the time go? Dad’s birthday is nest week already!” “I have no clue what I’m doing about Mother’s day and it’s next weekend. Do you have any ideas?”
Offers to help with the stuff she knows I get overwhelmed by, but also asks for my help in the areas where she struggles and I excel. The second half may sound irrelevant, but it’s not. She recognizes me as an adult with strengths and weaknesses just like anyone else. If your guy can’t balance a checkbook to save his life, and can never remember whether your birthday is on the 12th or the 14th, but he’s calm in a crisis when you’re freaking out and has better fashion sense than you do, it all balances out.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by anomalocaris.
i would stand firm on it. He’s 8 years old (and with ADD, probably emotionally younger than that), and he’s dictating to his parents whether or not he goes to school. That’s not a precedent I’d want to set for a child who already has issues. Also he’s learning that if he makes enough of a fuss, you’ll feel sorry for him and give in. Another issue is that by giving in to him now, you’re setting up inconsistent expectations which may lead to a power struggle in the fall, because all summer he’s been allowed to be in charge and then suddenly in the fall you’ll be telling him that he’s not in charge anymore. It might be exhausting to deal with the drama he generates now, but it will be much harder in the fall when you’ve given him that much power and then you try to take it back. I know that sounds harsh, but I think kids with ADD are ultimately better off with consistency and clear expectations than with navigating inconsistent boundaries. The reason I think that is because I WAS a kid with ADD. 🙂
Have him record the classes. There are actually smart pens that not only record, but if you take notes on special paper (which you can print out yourself), the pen can actually cue up the recording to that point in the lecture. Even if he spends the whole time doodling, he’d capture it. He can also send it to his computer. If he has it recorded he can always listen to it to confirm the assignment. Also find out whether his teachers post assignments online. Some do.
What about “I just found out that ADD has a genetic component. Since both kids have been diagnosed, I wonder if we should be tested?”
I used to be upset by always being alone on Christmas & other holidays, despite having family in my small town. But now I look forward to those days, because everyone else is busy with family and friends and I know there will be no demands on my time and attention. My “ritual” for Christmas is to go out and wander with a camera in search of wildlife (I can spend all morning photographing a muskrat if I want to, and not even feel guilty!), and then go home and warm up and watch movies with my cat on my lap, a very rare luxury for me, and far better than having to dress up and be social with people. Just took me a little while to realize it.
I’ve never fit in either, and I know it’s because ADD makes socializing with normal people almost impossible. Some time ago, though, I realized that I basically have a choice. ADD is MY problem, not other people’s. I can’t expect others to constantly accommodate or make excuses for me. I know what socially acceptable behavior is, and I know that some of it is difficult and exhausting for someone with ADD, so my choice is, I can stay very alert to my own behavior, or I can decide not to socialize. So, in professional settings I constantly monitor. Am I talking too much? Getting stuck on one track? Interrupting other people? Tuning out and looking bored when others are speaking> All of these behaviors are perceived by “normal” people as rude, and they’re right, whether I intended them that way or not. The fact that I have ADD doesn’t give me a pass on basic courtesy. In professional settings, it’s worth the extra effort to me, to be seen as competent and professional. But outside of professional settings it’s not worth the energy that constant monitoring takes, so I don’t socialize. It really helped my frustration level when I began taking that approach. But I also get that it’s a “tough love” approach that not everyone is going to be comfortable with. I just figure I have the right to apply tough love techniques to myself and it works for me 🙂