Ani

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  • in reply to: Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?) #76402
    Ani
    Participant

    Mariade,

    Yes, exactly. You seem to be scared of other people talking too much about themselves with you, do you kind of have a hard time speaking up?
    I feel more relieved if they talk a lot, as long as I get to have a say now and then. That means they’re probably okay around me.
    Perhaps? I don’t know, I always care for my friends a lot, but I don’t always know how to show it. Like I’m forgetting things,
    like their families names or birthdays. Or contacting them? Even with my own family, sometimes I don’t call my mom for months.
    It doesn’t mean I don’t care. But it might be perceived that way.

    1. That’s too bad. Sorry she’s your only friend, but I see why you treasure her more then.

    2. Sorry I guess I worded it weirdly. Haha, yes I definitely repeat things just like you and I end up wondering if I’ve said it before.
    But people usually don’t comment on it.

    3. Hmmm, it doesn’t seem as if you’re trying to understand her point of view still.
    She’s only human so it’s very helpful to look at it from a different perspective.
    Don’t think of things the way they SHOULD have been, instead look at things the way they were. Try and solve it like a puzzle.
    You might have told her how you felt, but that doesn’t mean she understood how you felt.
    And I don’t think you understand how she felt or tried to understand. I feel like you both misunderstood each other.

    BUT, again, I think that she cancelled your plans several times is more important than that situation. That’s what would’ve hurt me, unless it was for something unavoidable.

    4. My mother had a friend like that once, I was left alone with her when my mother went out for bit.
    She wouldn’t stop talking, so I raised my hand and waited for her to go quiet.
    Then I went ‘I’m sorry, but you talk way too much. Do you ever let others have a say?’
    Well, she apologized and excused herself to go to the bathroom, and that was the last thing we said to each other.
    Anyway, she had asked my mother about it later, she wondered if she really talked that much.
    Looking at it now, I realize it was a little rude, the way I put it, and with the gesture and everything. ;;
    Still, I can’t help but feel that if it was me, I would want to know.
    And I’m not going to force myself to listen for 2 hours if I don’t get to give any sort of input whatsoever,
    so it’s better if they understand that I’m upset about it.
    I mean it’s better to say something instead of quietly burning up inside isn’t it?

    5. That’s true, and it’s a pretty ugly thing. Why is admitting you might have done something wrong so hard to do? It’s not like it erases the action when you don’t say it out loud. And it shouldn’t be that easy to end a friendship, unless it’s something you’ve been waiting for. Maybe she was looking for an excuse.
    I’m sorry if you’ve been through similar situations.

    6. What I meant was, I started talking about myself when I was trying to give you advice. We started talking about my problems.

    Alright, let me contact you there. Thanks!

    Ani

    in reply to: Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?) #76225
    Ani
    Participant

    Mariade
    When it comes to not getting friends, I have this crippling fear of getting rejected.
    It makes it terribly difficult to look for new people to talk to unless I’m forced into situations like that.
    I can so easily soak up people’s emotions so if they’re uncomfortable with me or judge me I notice it right away,
    it makes me want to run to the restroom and cry, which I know is silly.
    Even if I don’t notice a hostile attitude I still worry about it.
    And to be fair I have no idea where to even go outside to look for friends if I would want some.
    Then I feel like I might not be a good friend anyway…
    You know, just constantly worrying about things instead of looking forward.

    1. What point is there in having a one-sided friendship? Won’t it hurt you more in the end?
    Although I suppose if you’re really close, it would be hard to let go…

    2. Yeah, I’ve noticed that with myself a lot. Not so much during whatever event takes place, but afterwards.
    If I’m in disagreement with someone, I sometimes feel shocked that they don’t see it my way since it’s so obvious or easy to see.
    So I have to tell myself that maybe I’m not always right. Maybe there is a different point of view I need to think about.
    …Still that enlightenment usually comes afterwards.
    I think you’re pretty cool for admitting it though. Are you like me when you feel like you’re clear about things?
    Like you leave some things out when you talk to others because you’ve already thought about it in your head…
    And sometimes it confuses you haha!

    3. That’s okay, you don’t have to agree with something just because you understand it.
    That’s the most important thing for reconciliation. You just need to try and not get insulted by it.
    But if she’s cancelling her plans on you the same day several times that’s another thing.
    There’s nothing more frustrating if she’s not even trying.

    4. Alright. I can’t help but feel that you might miss out on some nice people in that case.
    What if she was one of us?! Haha
    But I guess you get to be picky since it was the first time you met.
    Sometimes it’s hard to have energy for people who don’t let you talk, it’s understandable.

    5. Thanks for your input. She did, didn’t she? She made herself sound justified.
    But I can’t help but feel like it was such a wasteful way of ending a friendship,
    like it meant nothing and then I just felt numb for the longest time.

    6. Alright! Oh but I also want to say something, don’t change yourself TOO much.
    You’re awesome the way you are. It helps to understand yourself and make small adjustments but that’s all you’re allowed!

    Anyway, I was trying to give you advice but I feel like you started listening to me more now, I’m sorry about that.

    If you’re okay with it, do you have an email? I’ll be good, I promise~!

    Ani

    in reply to: Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?) #76136
    Ani
    Participant

    Hi Ashley
    The thing you said about an awkward first date is so true. Even before actually meeting up,
    we often go through the whole scenario in our head beforehand,
    unlike a neurotypical person who’s like ‘alright, going to meet someone new today!’.
    We see the potential failure before it’s even happened, scared out of our minds to be rejected again,
    more worried about ourselves than them.
    There’s also that tiny problem about taking action and actually do the friend searching yourself.
    I have a tendency of waiting for friends to fall onto my lap (this doesn’t seem to work). At least you have a dog!
    Something important though, you DESERVE friends. Even if it’s difficult, I wish you would keep trying,
    until you find friends who try to understand you and accept you for you.

    How do I stay focused? Hmm… Not sure if you’re going to like this answer, but I don’t.
    I can only try my best to not interrupt and listen. We don’t control what distracts us.
    But like you said before to Mariade, I sometimes talk too much and interrupt.
    Don’t ask enough questions even though I want to, wondering what’s okay to say and ask,
    sometimes saying inappropriate things that make me want to bang my head against the wall.
    And I do constantly get distracted, wondering how many times it’s okay to ask them to repeat themselves,
    or if I should just try to nod and go along with it.

    About your friend, I’m so proud of you for reaching out to them and asking about what really happened.
    It took a lot of energy and courage from you!
    Sorry they don’t seem as invested as you in the friendship though… You really can only do your part,
    and you did as much as you could. That’s too bad and disappointing that they wouldn’t try harder.
    But that’s on them, not on you, so don’t blame yourself.

    This friend of yours from college, to tell you the truth…
    I really understand why you won’t contact her and I think it’s in your best interest not to.
    Of course I don’t know the full story, and we all have flaws, but good riddance.
    No one needs that kind of superficial friendship. It’s just sad and lonely when the other person doesn’t want to open up,
    especially when you’ve known each other for so long.

    Aw thanks, I don’t really travel a lot, but I have some. The jet lag always kills me though. What about you, travel much? Or want to?
    Yes..! To be honest, I was worried I was too pushy there for a second, and you’re worrying about sounding creepy?
    Hahaha! I think we get along great already.
    Can I add you somewhere for further pointless talk or email or something since I can’t seem to message you
    on this forum? (actually, is that creepy-?)

    in reply to: Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?) #75941
    Ani
    Participant

    Hello again Mariade, and hi Ashley-

    (replying to Mariade first)
    Thanks for YOUR response. It’s always helpful to see things in a different way.

    Yes, I’m from Sweden. It was a rather impulsive decision to move abroad, actually…
    you know one of those ideas you have when you don’t think about the consequences whatsoever,
    because you can only see the excitement in it until it’s too late? But I guess you’re right that friendships take time,
    it’s just that I’m never out actually meeting people which adds to my problem.
    Aw thanks, you know, I wouldn’t mind having you as a friend, but I heard you’re not recruiting anymore…
    If you do happen to change your mind however, then yes! (Please)

    1. That’s true, but if you come to her talking as not a friend but as a stranger,
    she might talk to you differently. She could be stalling for time because she doesn’t want to hurt your feelings,
    but tell her you don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering what happened.
    I’m not sure but all I know is that it’s going to continue hurting you until you understand or get some sort of closure.

    2. Exactly! I do that too! Like sometimes I get asked if I’m being serious,
    and I feel taken aback like… of course not. So maybe we’re not as obvious as we think we are?
    People really don’t understand our train of thoughts? It’s just funny how you sometimes assume they do anyway…

    3. Hmm… This goes back to 2. because people don’t understand the way you think.
    We are quick to judge, get upset then ‘break things off’. So try to think about it in a different way.
    I, for instance, have no sense of danger at all, and don’t understand the concept of a scary neighborhood.
    Sure there’s criminal activity, but it won’t happen to me.
    I’ve definitely ended up in trouble cause of that mindset, but that’s a different story.
    Anyway, so if I have this friend who’s telling me she doesn’t want to come visit me, that’s all I can hear.
    Because deep in my heart I feel that people should be able to think of things from my point of view.
    I think ‘sure, it’s scary’ and want to throw in an eyeroll in there.
    So I would probably feel that you just don’t want to see me and that it’s a bad excuse.
    She doesn’t feel the same way as you unfortunately… Did you ask for a ride? Did you suggest a place you could meet at instead
    or ask if she might have been able to come pick you up? Like we both agreed on before, these things aren’t obvious to other people.
    She might have just felt hurt herself.

    4. What if that 45 year old woman were you? You don’t know why your friend stopped contacting you.
    What if they did it because you don’t ask questions, and you never realized?
    Now I doubt that it actually is the case, but wouldn’t you want someone to help you understand?

    5. That’s true and I agree with you, it’s really difficult to tell someone if you feel they’re being mean.
    A part of you tells you that you’re overreacting and what not. If I told a former friend she was mean? Let’s see…
    Yes, there was this one friend I had up until maybe 10 years ago. I found out she was blocking me on MSN when I thought we were close.
    She had also cancelled our plans several times the last minute when she lived 5 hours away from me.
    I sent her a long message on Facebook telling her that she needs to give back for our friendship to work.
    That she was hurting my feelings.
    Her reply wasn’t the best – she said something like ‘no, if you want to end this friendship that’s on YOU.’
    That was it, nothing about her behavior.
    Although I know it didn’t end the best way it could have, all you can do is your part, and then if your friend doesn’t do it, that’s it.
    At least you have closure. In a way I’m glad it ended since she didn’t care in the first place.

    6. Haha, alright, I will try to do the same. To stick with the ‘sure’ and not with the ‘when’. Good luck to us.

    Ashley, hi and welcome. I don’t think you’re a terrible writer and it’s a good thing you decided to reply.

    I’m basically more or less like you in social situations I’d say, but I have tried to get better at it.
    The whole interrupting thing? Yep. It’s like we have to say it before we forget it – but some people will find it insulting instead.
    Just try to always keep in mind how much you talk, and if you want to interrupt, ask yourself ‘how important is this, really?’
    I know it’s no cakewalk. All we can do is try. Not to mention all the things we get distracted by during those conversations…
    Like when you’re trying to listen to your friend but your thoughts are too loud. And the oversharing, I always hated myself for it!
    People want to take their time and slowly get to know others,
    so they’re surprised when they find out everything about a person the first day they meet them. Maybe.

    I’m so sorry, you reached out for your friend after 5 months and got a pointless reply.
    Did she seem surprised that you even asked, like she thought everything was okay? Surely she must have realized what she was doing?

    I do feel like you should reach out to your other friend as well, like you were thinking of, and hope for the best.
    Not for their sake but for your own. If they really don’t want to talk to you, then that’s their loss and just a waste of your time and emotions.
    But at least you would know and get some closure. That’s the worst case…
    but it could also be because of a good reason that doesn’t have to do with you.
    It would stop you from worrying and feeling bad about it, don’t you think?
    That’s too bad. I can already tell from your forum post you seem like a nice person, just like Mariade.
    I would say you made a good impression here so I think you’re underestimating yourself.
    Either that or people don’t appreciate you the way they should.
    Anyway if you’re interested in another friend… I feel like us 3 understand each other so well, haha!

    Ani

    in reply to: Friendships: It´s not me – it´s YOU(?) #75776
    Ani
    Participant

    Hello Mariade,
    I think a lot of people with ADD can relate to your story. I’ve read both posts and comments talking about how bad they
    are at getting/keeping friends, and I happen to have experience in this area as well.
    We get upset, we slip up, we say exactly what we’re thinking when we don’t mean to.
    We forget things, we talk too much, we talk too little. We get distracted.
    I’m sure it isn’t only you. But it is hard sometimes when we’re expected to understand the subtleties of social life.
    Let me try and interpret some of these things…

    1. Unresponsive friend
    They might be busy, they might think they’ll reply later and then forget.
    They might ignore it because they feel like there’s nothing to reply to.
    Or what you’re scared of… they’re avoiding you. Since she never replied to you ever again, there might
    have been something that she was hesitant to talk to you about,
    some people just avoid arguments and don’t talk at all if they want to end a relationship (which is not OK but it happens).
    If it’s been some time and it’s really bothering you, you could try and just text her something like
    ‘Honestly, can you tell me why you stopped being my friend, so I don’t do it again? I won’t judge, I want to learn’
    and no matter what she replies, don’t argue or defend yourself even if it’s upsetting. Just thank her for telling you.

    2. Swearing/complaining
    This is something I have a problem with as well, not so much swearing but complaining. I mean frankly, we know how boring
    it can be when other people complain, but we do it ourselves at least just as much. I try to tone it down as much as I can,
    but usually I end up saying it before I’ve thought about it. Just imagine this constant buzzing in your head while you’re
    complaining or something, haha! I try to apologize if I realize I’ve overdone it, that could make your friends understand better.
    Also if you try to make jokes about something that kind of bothers you, it doesn’t always come out as a joke… Something I’ve
    begrudgingly realized myself.

    3. Being inflexible
    Sometimes we’re too quick in turning people down, I think. What if the situation was reversed? What if that friend told you
    she never wanted to come to your place because she’s uncomfortable? She might have been kind of hurt the way you put it to her.
    In that situation I feel like you should have given a place and asked her if she could meet you up somewhere else.
    She might have interpreted it as if you didn’t want to see her at all, and that it was just a bad excuse.

    Just one thing I think is that we’re very quick to react in the moment. So if you feel angry, don’t let yourself break your
    friendship off, at least not until you’ve calmed down and thought about it thoroughly. They’re just human like you. We’re by
    no means perfect and we can’t get people to think exactly like us.

    4. No questions asked
    It really is difficult if they’re not asking questions and just talking, but was she even aware that she was doing it?
    Did you try to talk to her about it? Although sometimes you just don’t get along with people…

    5. Childhood friend
    Oh, those never stay the same. She didn’t contact you, but you didn’t contact her either. If you ever talk again,
    if you feel like it’s worth it, try to talk about how she speaks towards you.

    6. Stressing friends out
    Truth is… We are impulsive so when we make plans we want to do them ASAP. Which might come across as a bit clingy.
    Some people just talk about doing things like, ‘oh we should go to this place sometime’ < they don’t mean that, when they say sometime.
    They don’t mean now.
    They have this imaginary plan made up in their mind they don’t want to turn into reality. I don’t know why, but they do.
    So try to not seem overexcited and just say something like ‘sure, let’s go’ and leave it at that. I don’t know.

    I really wish you don’t give up in getting friends. Even though it might feel right at the moment, it can be a very lonely thing.

    As for me, I’m terrible at keeping friends myself. I don’t keep in touch, even though I care, not even with my family.
    The few times I do I can say the most random things.
    I moved from Sweden to the US about 2 years ago and I haven’t made a single friend here, I do have 1 online friend that I talk to
    sometimes.. But my social life is pretty sad haha.

    Anyway, best of luck to you, and lots of love. Hope you can find some friends who like you for you.
    Don’t give up.
    Ani

    in reply to: ADHD or Me?? #54208
    Ani
    Participant

    Hi, sorry about your situation.
    Of course, with ADHD comes a lot of struggle, but within all this bubbly mess in our brain, we do have our own individual personalities,
    we all handle it differently and it does sound like you have a lot of patience for your husband, maybe sometimes even when he doesn’t deserve it.
    A lot of problems come from having ADHD, BUT it’s not something we should use to make excuses for not working on something that’s seriously harming our marriage.
    ADHD isn’t everything, it’s a big part of us but it’s up to each person to not let it define them. The meds don’t “cure” our problems, they just make them easier to manage.

    It sounds like you’ve been going through this for a long while, and honestly, what point is there in being stuck in a loveless marriage?
    It’s not even about ADHD anymore.
    What about your children? They sound like they’re suffering too. They understand a lot more than you think of what’s going on, and they’re probably blaming themselves for it. They should be a lot more important to you than your husband at this point, and you also need to think of your well-being.
    No one wants to grow up in a broken home.

    He won’t change, I highly doubt it. It HELPS to understand him, but there’s only so much understanding you can expect or HE can expect from you.
    Don’t let him control you.
    And no matter what, the children should be priority.

    ADHD or no ADHD – when you’re leaving a marriage it will be emotional, most likely on both parts.
    Try and sit down with him, when he’s not upset, and calmly talk about it. Don’t yell – force yourself to stay calm no matter what.
    In the end, you weren’t a good fit, you both had your flaws, there’s no winning an argument like that and you shouldn’t try to.
    Try and not make a blaming game out of it. As soon as you make it sound like it’s his fault, he might build up walls and start defending himself.
    I know when I get upset, I won’t listen to what the other person is saying anymore.

    If he tries to provoke you, IGNORE him, there’s no point and it won’t make the decision feel final. Figure out what you’re going to say beforehand.
    Stay strong. Stay calm. Stay confident. Think about your children. Ending a marriage isn’t the end of your life. It’s only the beginning.

    If not, if you’re really going to stay, you BOTH have to make a big effort in order to not harm your children mentally. I grew up with arguing parents and I often
    cried myself to sleep about it. When I was about 15 they separated, and I only wished they had done it a lot sooner.

    Take care, I wish you the best.

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)