Angie_H

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)
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  • in reply to: Marriage and Emotional Affairs #88266

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hello, poolman47,

    In your original post you said your wife more or less thinks you are a prideful, arrogant bad guy. It is hard to know what someone else thinks. If your wife said these things to you, then you need to understand why she thinks these things. If you don’t really know how she feels, have a sincere conversation with the goal of finding out so you can have a better marriage. If you do not see the situation from your wife’s perspective, you will not be effective in changing her opinion of you.

    Affairs are a betrayal of trust, whether emotional, ‘nearly physical’, or physical. Flirting harms your marriage. How would you feel if your wife did these things? Have you made a sincere apology? Are you making amends? You need to do this on a daily basis to show your wife you value her and are committed to your marriage.

    What can you do to change your behaviors that harm your marriage? It is your behaviors that will make or break your marriage.

    Angie

  • in reply to: How do I make sure he's not cheating on me? #84077

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hello, doubtgf25,

    You can’t be sure your boyfriend is not cheating on you. The best indicator is his behaviors, and they are what is causing you doubt.

    There are many ways you can spy on him, even from afar, and there are many ways he can hide things from you. If you snoop, you are likely to get into a frustrating cat and mouse game with him. Your anxiety will likely increase, and you will waste a lot of time.

    Don’t assume your boyfriend is cheating on you. You can discuss your concerns with him, such as it worries you that you no longer speak daily. See how he responds and whether his behavior changes. In time you will likely know why your boyfriend may be distancing himself from you.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: lonely College Life #81773

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hi, Ella,

    I had a similar experience. I felt I did not fit in at my college. I was placed with roommates who all joined sororities, and I did not. Eventually I found places and clubs where people hung out, and anyone was welcome. I found odd places where small groups of people studied, and I started going there. There were small departmental lounges and libraries where the majors (such as biology, chemistry, and physics) hung out, visited, and studied. The biology department had a weekly ‘tea’ with a speaker, and people hung around afterwards. The professors loved chatting with the students about all sorts of things. There was a counseling center where I volunteered. There was a college radio station, music building, art buildings, athletic areas. I got to meet people and feel welcome at such places. Did you consider volunteering anywhere or being a tutor? There are many activities other than club meetings where you can spend time with like-minded people and make friends. Are there are clubs where groups go and do things together, such as camping, hiking, other activities? Are there any jobs you can do that let you meet people? I worked on campus and did not particularly make friends at my jobs, but I got to meet people and have some pleasant times and some company.

    When I was in school, single rooms were highly desirable, and there was a waiting list. Did you consider asking to be re-assigned to a different dorm room next year? Did you consider going to the housing department with your proposed roommate and asking to be placed together?

    In a lot of support groups there is a saying of ‘fake it till you make it’. Try not to worry that other people may be talking about you. There may be few or none of them talking about you. If there are, do you want them as friends anyway? Smile a lot and say hello to people. Some people will respond positively. Try not to waste your time worrying about the others.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: Cleaning an impossible, beyond cluttered home #81260

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hi, Lyxi,

    I’m no expert on this. I am sharing from my own experience. I suggest you start with an area you will find easiest to tackle. You can’t clean if there is a lot of clutter. I de-clutter by sorting things. I sort into categories: keep, maybe (maybe=keep for now), and toss (throw away right then or set aside to donate). I pile all the ‘keep’ things into laundry baskets according to the room where they belong, and I take them there. That de-cluttering lets me clean the first area more easily. I do this same thing room by room. Sounds simple, but it is hard to keep up the enthusiasm and energy. I only do as much as I can stand in each cleaning session.

    I find the room where I’m taking a laundry basket may be very cluttered, and I get overwhelmed if I start cleaning out drawers and cabinets to make room for the things I carried there. I temporarily leave the laundry basket and make space some later time, using the same strategy of sorting things into keep, maybe, and toss.

    If some of your clutter is dirty clothes or dirty dishes, and you are not 100% sure they are dirty, don’t waste time trying to figure it out. Count them as dirty. I have other family members who pile things on the kitchen counters. I get rid of a few things as I can easily, then keep at it little by little. In the refrigerator, I quickly go through and throw away things that are obviously old, same with the pantry. I don’t go crazy looking at every single thing.

    If the mess is really, really bad, it may help to take a quick walk around first with a big trash bag and grab and discard only the ‘toss’ things. The reduction in mess may encourage you to keep going.

    Please share how you make out.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: ADHD Husband & Unemployment #76725

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hello, ‘mom2…’,

    Have you and your husband discussed looking for the type of job that he held for about eight years? Have you looked at free local resources for help with a job search, such as your local library? If you think a career coach would be helpful, you can look at LinkedIn ProFinder, but beware. You will get canned replies from people who obviously did not read your husband’s request. I hired a career coach for a family member who is happy with his services, 1-1/2 month so far. They are working on ‘Clifton Strengths’, for which there is a workbook available at bookstores. Have you considered looking at local websites for services people need? Maybe your husband can be self employed at something more lucrative than Lyft/Uber. There are so many services being offered to busy people these days, and many require no training or set up costs, such as cooking dinners, running errands, companion/helper to senior citizens, etc. Regarding driving, did your husband consider contacting local limo services? Mine is looking for drivers, and they provide the car. They pay $100 (plus tips) to go to an airport two hours from here. That’s $25+/hour, better than Lyft/Uber. What about local businesses you patronize? Some may have work or know of something through other customers. Self employment may not be a good option. Will your husband manage the business, send invoices, track expenses and income? It can all be a huge challenge.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: Adhd spouse had a year long affair #73647

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hi, Paige,

    My husband has struggled over the years with one addiction after another, and that included sex addiction. It was thrilling to him to have a secret life that included cheating on me. Those women did not criticize him. Those women mostly did not complain if he failed to keep promises. He was big and strong and handsome. Translation: He was generous, and what they wanted was money and gifts.

    An ‘affair’ may not be the same thing. However, I first found out my husband was having an ‘affair’, and it was actually one after another after another… I believe there is a connection between ADD and addiction. What you are seeing now may not be the whole story.

    I agree your husband should not blame the ‘affair’ on impulses. He made a choice, and he can choose differently. For me, the critical thing was to get support to ‘stay in reality’, not be fooled by his stories, promises, lies. We both changed. We stayed together. It is taking years to restore trust, and I still have trust issues with him.

    All the best,
    Angie


  • Angie_H
    Participant

    The brand product and the authorized generic (same as brand) are manufactured by Janssen. There may be other names in addition to Janssen, such as Janssen-Cilag and Alza. The authorized generic may say distributed by Watson and/or Actavis. (The brands that are NOT bioequivalent to Concerta are Mallinckrodt and Kudco.)

    Look at the bottle for the name of the manufacturer. If the pharmacy used their own bottle, the manufacturer’s name will be on the label. If you got the original bottle, the original label is under the pharmacy label.

    Ask your pharmacist what you have, and get the package insert that comes with the prescription. This is discarded by most pharmacies.

    Look at the tablets. The brand and authorized generic are the same: Methylphenidate HCl Extended-Release Tablets are available in 18 mg, 27 mg, 36 mg, and 54 mg dosage strengths. The 18 mg tablets are yellow and imprinted with “alza 18”. The 27 mg tablets are gray and imprinted with “alza 27”. The 36 mg tablets are white and imprinted with “alza 36”. The 54 mg tablets are brownish-red and imprinted with “alza 54”. All four dosage strengths are supplied in bottles containing 30 or 100 tablets.

    Look at photos of the brand tablets on the internet. OROS is the type of delivery system. Wikipedia has a good photo of the 54 mg tablet: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Osmotic_controlled-release_oral_delivery_system

    Google whatever letters and numbers are on your tablets or capsules. Even better, put in the information at https://www.drugs.com/imprints.php This will identify your product and its manufacturer.

  • in reply to: My Partner Doesn’t Understand ADD #66071

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hi, K,

    Have you looked at what you can do to be less impulsive and more organized? Maybe there is more you can do to manage what you call your ‘symptoms’. My husband has ADD, and we often argued because he did not keep promises, he forgot things, he lost things, etc. He was not willing to see an ADD coach, but he was willing for us to see one as a couple. We are exploring how we can interact better, considering our different styles. It is helping.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: HELP for my adult ADHD son – 40 job later……. #59025

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hello, Netti,

    I was thinking about your son’s job situation. I know it is hard to find a job, and your son’s job history may make it difficult. Can you or someone help him figure out why he was a poor fit for the jobs he found? Is there something different he can do? Can he be self employed? I am a big fan of ‘thinking outside the box’, and that there is no harm in trying what other people see as crazy ideas. If your son looks around, is there some need he can fill – something he would enjoy doing?

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: HELP for my adult ADHD son – 40 job later……. #59024

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hello, Netti,

    I don’t know much about your healthcare system. I understand people who can pay can get private care, which may not be possible for your son. There is also the option to travel somewhere outside the country where the access to medicines is easier. (For example, adderall is available without a prescription in India. A flight from Heathrow to Mumbai costs about £355, according to the internet.)

    Perhaps you can help your son by going to the GP with him and to help him push for a prescription without having to wait for an appointment with the Adult ADHD clinic. I found this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-1354640/Doctors-advice-How-best-GP-7-minutes.html If you get nowhere with the GP, maybe the approach of going in person will work at the Adult ADHD clinic.

    No matter whether or not he can get help from the medical system, there are things he can do on his own. Maybe he needs your help to get started – or to persist.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: End of my rope #58219

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hello, Amah27,

    My husband was at his worst several years ago. I loved him but was at the end of my rope. I was going to divorce him. When we separated I didn’t see how he could manage on his own. He did. His lifestyle was not my lifestyle, but he managed. Whatever diagnosis your husband gets, it may or may not be accurate. Whatever you do, he may or may not ‘get better’. My husband eventually got the help he needed, and we are back together. I do not feel the same about him due to terrible things he has done, but I still love him, and he is different now. You may see I occasionally post about my frustrations with my husband, but mostly things are good. All you can do is take care of yourself and your children, getting whatever help and support you and they need, help your husband as you can without being ‘co-dependent’, and hope for the best.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: New to dating a guy with ADHD – Need advice #49604

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hi, Morena,

    You may not understand the dynamic until you live it. You will see from posts on other threads that a boyfriend may hyperfocus during courtship, then retreat to his little world later. Reading is good, but I find many books give unrealistic scenarios and offer glib advice. How patient can you remain if you’ve been stood up hundreds of times and if your boyfriend screams at you if you ask, no matter how patiently and mildly, what happened? It may be very instructive to observe his behaviors among family and friends. Don’t expect it will be different with you or that you’ll handle things better based on advice you read.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: Why Do We Continue To Do This? #47061

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hello, all,

    I also often feel defeated by my husband. We are currently trying to have a daily planning session, and it is mostly pro forma. He gives a quick reading of his ‘to do’ list, then it’s like pushing string to get him to commit to any specific plan for the next day, let alone longer term things. Since we have been doing this (past few months) I only once got him to lay out how long the planned activities would take, and it came to at least 10-12 hours. He saw the plan was not feasible.

    Today I have a couple of teenagers coming to do some yard work. My husband has known this for a couple of weeks. Last night he announced he is planning to use the garden cart for something unrelated. He was disappointed but agreed to use something in its place.

    And the things he promised to do by no later than yesterday? No plan in sight, and they are holding up other things.

    I don’t lose sight of his charm. He was adorable playing with the cat this morning, but getting things done is such a challenge. I know why I continue to do this. I enjoy his good qualities and try to overlook the challenges in our relationship. But I would dearly love to have fewer challenges.

    All the best,
    Angie

  • in reply to: How to handle different thinking #48965

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Hi, Penny,

    I read the articles you cited above. I have read many, many books and articles. My husband and I have worked with a marriage counselor and with an ADD coach. You say you and your husband divide tasks based on your strengths. My husband and I do the same. I do mine. We have a daily meeting to review to do lists and plans for the next day. Now we added a review of longer term plans. These meetings help, but the majority of my husband’s commitments still are not kept. Would you tell me from your personal experience how it happens that your husband completes his share of commitments?

    Angie

  • in reply to: How to handle different thinking #48873

    Angie_H
    Participant

    Does the diagnosis matter? It is ADD, of course. BTW, my husband confirmed the roof (#2) is leaking. He did not move the furniture, only moved an antique item that was on it. I gave my husband the roofer’s number. Some time later I realized I had not heard him make the phone call. Why? He decided it was not urgent to call today. I contacted the roofer myself.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)