Allison Russo

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 248 total)
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  • in reply to: Young Adult Transition #42020
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user parentcoachjoyce in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    I feel for you. I know you feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    But I think you already know what you SHOULD do, but perhaps you are just not prepared to do it.

    In reading your note, it is clear that you already realize that he is not going to follow your “stipulations” (and it’s probably clear to him that he will get away with it if he doesn’t).

    The reality is, stipulations or not, in all likelihood he is going to continue to do what he’s always done—until something clicks in his head and he decides he doesn’t want to live that way any more (and obviously that hasn’t happened).

    And you are going to continue to do what you’ve always done, until you decide you don’t want to live like that anymore.

    The way I see it, you have two choices for how you handle this:

    1. You can decide that he can live there no matter what and that you”ll put up with all of it. I know you are probably thinking, “no way, I’m not going to do that.” but really, this is essentially the option you are picking if you set stipulations that you are not prepared to follow through on. If you choose this option, then you need to choose it with the knowledge that you are not helping him by doing this; you are just helping yourself—so you can feel good about ‘helping’ him, and don’t have to feel bad about the prospect of him having to be ‘homeless’.

    Or…

    2. You can set some firm non-negotiable ground rules for your house (not in an attempt to change or control him but to merely state clearly what you will and won’t tolerate in YOUR house, like cleanliness issues, mutual respect issues, financial contributions, etc.) and you make it very clear today the minute he walks in the door that the very split second he breaks any of them, he must leave; no second chances, no listening to excuses.

    And then, when it happens (which it likely will), you MUST follow through. You will have to go deaf to his excuses and guilt trips and excuses. You will have to push your bad feelings aside and follow through—for your sake as well as his.

    Will that be easy? No, it’ll be the hardest thing you ever do. Of course you don’t WANT him to be homeless. But the fact is, if he breaks the stipulations (stipulations that he knew ahead of time, and knew from you that he would have to leave if he broke them), then HE is deciding to be homeless; you didn’t decide for him.

    The bottom line is that it’s normal that you want to help him but you need to realize that sheltering him from consequences is not helping, it’s essentially clipping his wings.

    It’s time for you to let him figure his life out for himself, and time for you to decide how you want to live your life (preferably in a way that doesn’t involve you feeling stress, anxiety and dread every day! That’s no way to live!)

    All of this reminds me of that saying: sometimes the RIGHT thing to do is not the EASY thing to do. I encourage you to get some help and support for yourself so you can deal with all the feelings that will come up as you follow through and do the hard (but right) things.

    I wish you the best.

    Joyce Mabe
    Parenting Coach, mom of adult son with ADHD, author

    in reply to: Do we explain ADHD to our 17 year old son? #42218
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user fortuna33 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    SallyBee, I haven’t read “The Defiant Child,” but there is another book that helped me a lot with my son: “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene. Good luck to you, I know first-hand how challenging this is!

    in reply to: Does what you eat help? #40650
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user miko+ink in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    These are some foods that help me with managing energy and side effects from medication: green banana when I wake up, cayenne pepper ( tajin brand spice mix ) and raw garlic on avocado or Tajin on citrus fruit – for snacking, blue corn chips and cheese, edamame, cherries, lots of protein. Fat in the morning, more carbs toward the end of the day.

    in reply to: Do we explain ADHD to our 17 year old son? #42216
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user adhdmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Definitely explain to him what ADHD is and how it makes him different.

    This article will help you: http://www.additude.com/adhd/article/10117.html.

    The knowledge will likely be a relief to him.

    Here’s more on raising teens with ADHD:
    http://www.additude.com/adhd/article/5310.html
    http://www.additude.com/adhd/article/8663.html

    Remember, “Kids do well if they can,” says Ross Greene, author of “The Explosive Child” (which you should read – changed our lives).

    Penny
    ADDconnect Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    in reply to: Do we explain ADHD to our 17 year old son? #42215
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user SallyBee in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you!

    I live in a small town in South Africa, there is not much in the way of support here so no support groups…I’ve looked!

    We’ll work with his psychologist and try get together as a team, him, my hubby, my daughter and I and work out a parenting plan of sorts.

    I have something to go on now and I’m almost looking forward to a new challenge. As mentioned, it’s almost a relief to have a diagnosis of something that is genuinely wrong that has solutions, albeit a lot of hard work…there are answers…thank goodness!

    He goes to his mum for the school holidays on Friday and is only back with us again in two weeks….so we’ll leave it all until he gets back.

    (I’m convinced his mum is ADHD with ODD or something along those lines too….so a bit concerned about his behaviour when he gets home as that’s also always been a huge adjustment for all of us)

    Thank you for the advice on reading material too….I’ve just ordered “The Defiant Child” from Amazon and I’m waiting for that to arrive. Any opinions on the techniques in that book?

    in reply to: Do we explain ADHD to our 17 year old son? #42214
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user parentcoachjoyce in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    I recommend that you handle this with him as a team. He’s old enough for you and his dad to sit down with him and have an honest discussion about what the diagnosis means, and to talk about how to move forward as a family in the best way possible.

    An ADHD diagnosis does not have to be approached as a terrible thing. In fact, you could approach it as “this is good news; now we know why you’ve had some of the challenges you’ve been having. Now we can move forward and become more informed and find some things that will work better for you and for all of us.” You could also tell him that you want to set goals together—behavior expectations as well as consequences. It’s important to include him in these discussions so he has some input and therefore some ownership in it.

    Also, the goal with all parenting is to raise our kids to be responsible, productive adults and at his age, he only has a few more years until he’s out on his own. This diagnosis and your reactions to it (and your discussions with him) will show/model him some important things he’ll need to know and do as an adult: the fact that we all have obstacles or shortcomings to overcome in one way or another (his just happens to be ADHD), and that all that means is that we just need to find ways to deal with what comes our way (i.e., he needs to find the tools and techniques that work for him- which will mean trial and error). He will see first-hand by your actions that when an adult realizes something isn’t working, they simply regroup and reassess (as you are doing now that you realize your former parenting and discipline plan isn’t working).

    He will learn a lot by seeing how you handle this: how to deal with obstacles, how to research and learn as much as you can about something, how to make changes and adjustments as you go, and how to apologize and course-correct when you make mistakes.

    He may end up being very relieved that there’s a “reason” for him feeling so bad and having so many issues (many teens with ADHD feel really bad about themselves because they feel like they can’t “do anything right”. This could be an opportunity for him to see that he’s not “bad”, he just needs to find some better ways to deal with some of the challenges this disorder brings.)

    In terms of parenting techniques (including discipline), I recommend “Parenting teens with Love and Logic” . Even though it’s not geared toward kids with ADHD, many of the parents I work with have a lot of success with it, especially with kids who want to constantly argue. Overall I think it’s a great program for helping prepare kids for adulthood while also developing a strong, mutually-respectful and loving relationship.

    Joyce Mabe
    Parenting Coach, licensed school counselor, mom of adult son with ADHD, author

    in reply to: Do we explain ADHD to our 17 year old son? #42212
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user bigmidget in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Definitely explain to him why he is taking the medications and that it is because his brain works differently. I explained it to my son that is you have a thyroid problem, you take medication to compensate and/or fix the problem. Same goes for ADHD, you take the meds to fix the problem.

    Regarding discipline, It is a challenge. And I hate to say that starting at 17 will be very very difficult as we started at 4 and still have issues with it with our son. A positive reward system works really well with ODD/ADHD kids (my son has both as well). Reward them for all the behaviors you want to see and catch them being good and give lots of praise. Try to avoid scolding and lectures. Swift consequences for bad behavior and don’t drag on the consequences too long. Find something they want and let them earn that as a reward but take it away if they aren’t complying. We found a good app that tracks reward points and we assigned rewards to certain point values and each behavior or chore we want done they earn points. It is called OurHome – Chores and Rewards. Hope that helps.

    Also find a support group (CHADD is good) near you to help you with ideas. We also go to group therapy with our son so he learns and we learn better how to work with him and not be yelling at him and pulling our hair out at every turn (although it continues to be a challenge).

    Being unemotional helps as well. I found my son doesn’t throw the tantrums as much and calms down faster when I am not yelling or scolding him.

    Unfortunately, the Concerta will likely help with focus during school hours but (for my son at least) it likely won’t help with the back talk and arguing. The medications also typically wear off in the evening so unlikely that you will see much of a change in the night when you are having the issues with him.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Allison Russo.
    in reply to: Do we explain ADHD to our 17 year old son? #42209
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user SallyBee in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Thank you so much Abner,

    Yes, he knows he has ADHD, but he truly doesn’t have a clue what that actually means!

    In all honesty, I didn’t really know what that meant until I did some research. This is new to all of us as well. Hubby is NOT a reader and neither is my son so I have to basically do the research and then try to feed the information to them.

    He is ultra sensitive about just about everything and I’m so scared of doing more harm than good. That being said, he is pretty out of control and has made life a bit miserable for everyone at home….himself included.

    Dr. Eric, my daughter NEVER back chatted me, we had the usual ups and downs of raising a child and on occasion, she had to be punished. Usually by having privileges taken away. This always worked with her.

    In the case of my son, nothing like that works. He argues EVERYTHING, from eating supper to showering, going to school, brushing his hair, the volume on the radio etc. A “no” to a request, ANY request turns in to an hour or two hour long argument and fight. Trying to firmly say “No” and even giving a reason and then walking away to signify that there is no more room for discussion simply does not happen. If we say no, he will follow us all over the house and not stop arguing his point. Even if we stop, look him in the eye, listen to his argument and then still say no….he will then argue that we don’t listen to him. If we call him up on that and tell him that we just did, the argument escalates, usually at this point he will bring up some other thing to argue about….some evenings we’re arguing three to four hours long over something like saying no to letting him play on his play station the night before an exam.

    That being said, he has only just started on his Concerta, we’re waiting, and praying for a miracle on some level. Just a calming in order to be able to speak with him…..that hasn’t happened quite yet. He goes back to the psychologist on Thursday and I’ll be sending a journal of my observations of his behaviour since he started the Concerta, I think he might have his dosage raised a little? (I imagine the psychologist will do some tests?)

    in reply to: Do we explain ADHD to our 17 year old son? #42203
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Dr. Eric in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Yes.

    For myself, as well as the research and children that I work with… we know we are different, having a name, explanation, and – most importantly – a game plan and examples of success are extremely important…

    Listening to the Driven to Distraction audio book was extremely formative and gave me hope as a college student.

    I would need more info on the discipline stuff. I don’t understand what you mean by the usual discipline rules. Positive reinforcement works.

    in reply to: Do we explain ADHD to our 17 year old son? #42195
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Abner in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Absolutely explain things to him, but weren’t things explained to him when he saw the psychologist? What about when he started taking the Concerta? Didn’t he ask what it was for? The more we understand ourselves, the better we are able to navigate life. That said, he is 17 and just diagnosed. In other words, he is a teen with 17 years of bad habits as well as a teen who is young enough to still think that he knows everything, so he may not take advantage of the knowledge of his ADHD and how it effects him.

    However, frequent open, kind and honest conversations over time about his behavior, good and bad, and how the concerta has made changes or not are very important to helping him have insight into who he is so that he can start making wise decisions (hopefully.)

    in reply to: He complains constantly #41262
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Lilies&Orchids in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Great job Udderlycrazy on finding out the source. He is so lucky he got you as his mom! I know we wish our kids didn’t inherit some of what they did from us but at the same time, we are the best people to understand and help them…and take them further than we ever made it.

    in reply to: What about ADHD and menopause? #40305
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user AliD in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    I was diagnosed with ADHD yesterday. I suspected I had it years ago but it was the onset of the perimenopause that drove me to seek a diagnosis. I found increasingly, especially the week before my period, I was finding coping with normal everyday house/parenting stuff overwhelming and unmanageable. I get migraines during the run up to my period and weirdly once the migraine has gone, I feel much more clear headed and calm. I’m all new to this – I have literally just taken my first tablet today. It’s nice to read other women’s stories and know I’m not alone! 🙂

    in reply to: Does what you eat help? #40649
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user gothceltgirl in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    No foods help per se, but red meat makes me super spacey.

    in reply to: Difficulty Swallowing Capsule #40622
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Parkour Anyone? in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    We are having those same battles – my six year old is doing the sprinkle on apple sauce thing, but she gets so stressed about it she forgets how to swallow. Neither of us are morning people, this new drama first thing is pretty miserable.

    in reply to: He complains constantly #41260
    Allison Russo
    Keymaster

    This reply was originally posted by user Udderlycrazy in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

    Just wanted to update you guys -his psychiatrist agreed and called it dysthymia – a low level chronic every day kind of depression (which is actually what I was first diagnosed with). So he started Zoloft last week. Thanks for all your input.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 248 total)