My Forum Comments
My apologies for the typos. Usimg my cellular handset. Thumb typing and not proofing as life never slows down!
Sorry to be blunt, but you (author) sound exactly like the myopic, judgemental and hubristic AAs I have listened to and ultimately interjected in their berating of another struggling bottle junkie many times in my 12 years of sobriety/recovery. The type who have convinced themselves that their sobriety was their choice and no one else was responsible for t dir use and subsequent decision to stop. To such people I simply say, good for you, but just because you could (supposedly) do that, doesnt mean anyone else can. And just as addictions clinical dx requires “the inability to chose to quit on ones own.” And yes, AAs are drug addicted junkies no different than heroine addicts etc. ETOH IS A DRUG. The clinical dx for add/hd includes the inability to perform certain mental tasks as effectively as a neurotypical person. AND that some of the symptoms will never be completely minimized. And while it may true that each person participates in a particular dance, many of the most destructive absolutely have a perpetrator and a victim; dual victimization is total bs. I an also a survivor if emotional abuse. Abuse is NOT about mutual understanding, rather power and control. And yes the control is real, the victims are not weak or making excuses. They are traumatized. Some for the very symptoms known of by their abusers. NEVER FORGET THAT YOUR LOVED ONES ENTRUST YOU WITH KNOWING THEIR GREATEST FEARS AND VULNERABILITIES. USING THE KNOWLEDGE AGAINST THEM AS A FORM OF DEROGATION IS TREASONOUS TO LOVING THEM; THE MOST EGREGIOUS ABUSE OF TRUST VISITED UPON INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS.
Wanting, you stand with many, though we all feel we are standing alone. This is not simply ADHD. I’ve never let these words be seen, but I now see that they may help another being greater than myself. Keep in mind that my family is now healing together..
It is Wednesday November 28th exactly 10:00 a.m. in the morning. I stand here alone having return from dropping off my son and my wife at school and work respectively, the possibility of the destruction of this family unit was made evident by our son last night. He finally told his mother, my wife, that he would rather go live with my parents than be in our household.
Part of me is happy because it is a breakthrough for him to open up to her to that effect. I have already known of his feelings On the matter as well as his feelings about our family and its instability. It is a situation that is the result of a multitude of events and behaviors associated with a dynamic in which both she and I have been an continue to be engaged. We both must own this. It is up to we adults to behave like adults in make a decision about what is most important in our lives. My wife has known my decision to that end is that it is our family that is of most importance; that it stays together.
But I have apparently not done enough, been enough tried hard enough, thought of her enough nor achieved enough for her to find contentment. This is evident base on the realities of what her behavior has been like towards me as well as Ian for at least 5 years if not more.
Behavior far from that which once was loving, and allows one to enjoy life and the others around them to enjoy their lives. My work My acts, my behavior has not been perfect. I am human. And still demonstrate personal behavior that while annoying and symptomatic of my having attention deficit disorder, are at worst very annoying but still able to be resolved or coped with by anyone who has stated and done what my wife claimed to have done, and has some compassion and empathy for their partner and others.
Unfortunately that is not the reality in my life in my family with my spouse. Because in spite of every fiber of my being wanting to deny reality, the behavior that my wife has been demonstrating toward me and then my sonv as well, is of the quality and duration so as to absolutely be considered emotional abuse. This is what poses The most significant threat To this little family we have staying together. It is an issue that I confronted my wife with some months ago. It is an issue that she has resisted for quite some time. And most recently she stated having recognized what her behavior is; what it suggests; that she understands and that such understanding has led her to apologize, feels bad about that behavior and has committed to changing it.
But that is as far is we have come. She unfortunately has further than she may be able to go. Because in spite of her claims she is still doing things that are indicative of behaviors engaged in by Emotional abusive people.
I know this with absolute certainty based on what I have acquired through researching the area over at least a period of 3 years if not more. It’s something I realized early in my search, and even worked hard to find evidence to the contrary For at least 2 years and even today I struggle with the concept that that is the situation now.
And I struggle because if she resists actively engaging in remediating her overt direct and hurtful Behavior toward my son and I. Behavior that is demeaning belittling excessive controlling and continuous, Nothing will change. Nothing will heal. And my son will continue to feel the way he feels. A feeling that now is expressed by his telling Madeline that he would rather live with my parents than in his home, with us his parents.
And this is why I am standing here alone writing this down With a lump in my throat and tears running my cheeks, that I may reflect upon the absolute fear and sorrow, even grief that I feel at the prospect of losing this family to The traumatic effects of emotional abuse. This is in spite of trying to provide my wife with information about symptomology, actual causes, progressive course as well as approaches one can implement in the interest of finding a resolution and sustained remission, In spite of a variety of ways in attempting to approach or on the matter in spite of being one given and wanting to forgive; she seems entrenched in the position that while her behavior may be bad, I’m still 50% of the matter to be resolved.
However hopeless the situation may seem, therapy has reinforced that I can feel my emotions and I can process them appropriately; Regardless of the depth of the pain and sadness. And in spite of the worry I have for the effects this entire scenario will have on my 9 year old son going forward. Like me, he is an extremely intuitive, empathetic and compassionate individual who loves his family as much as he loves life. I hope he can hold on to that person he is through everything no matter what occurs.
Your husband must choose to change.
PeaceNovember 15, 2017 at 8:51 pm in reply to: HELP! Stuck in the Passive Aggressive, Spiteful and Vendictive Cycle #68286
I feel for you though my situation is not as extreme…AND I AM TJE OME WITH ADD. I am not hyperactive, seek out acquire, analyze and integrate information most common to academia and scientific inquirey extremely easily and well. But I can do magic tricks like vaporize something I swear I put “there” two minutes ago. And then make it reappear a few feet away after searching for a half hour! It is the quintessence of Inattentive type ADD. I am also an alcohol addict who allowed others to help me and did what others told me to do because I knew that if I did not stop the disease of Addiction would kill me. That has been nearly twelve years ago now. My add dx came After my sobriety when I sought help for debilitating panic attacks in the absence of any rational cause. So I am trr-diagnosed per se alcoholic, ADD and GAD. I have tapped into most every resource available to help me with staying sober, managing my add and anxiety, medication included. So I have admitted submitted and committed to change my thoughts, feelings and actions in the interest of self and family preservation. And I am not void of behaviors that are symptomatic of these conditions but have managed to manage most quite well. And it has taken a great amount of time effort and energy to get to this point.
But the above seems to count for zip, zero, nada, absolutely taken for granted by my wife who refused to recognize her anger management issues and the emotionally abusive treatment I have endured for years. When I was active in my alcoholism, I believed I deserved such treatment and believed I CAUSED HER to act in such a manner. The absolute truth that I am not and SHE ALONE is responsible for her thoughts, feelings and actions is absolutely clear to me. But she uses resentment, hyowrcriticism and unreasonably high, absolilutely uncompromising and shifting her focus on standards of household organization, maintainence, upkeep and architectural digest ideals on how our house should look, what I should do to ensure such and attends to what has NOT been done as well as my inherent challenges that lead to my perpetual failure to meet her perfectionistic threshold. Then uses such shortcomings as opportunity to engage in verbal attacks on my worth, effort, accomplishments, motivations, character and strengths. They are directed at me personally, and involve demeaning statements as well as character assassination and being the sole cause of her lack of her personal accomplishments and lack of soxlcioeconomic ascent. And does so in front of our nine year old son obtw.
And I am the one who is the stay a home spouse, per mutual agreement. So am financially dependant on her due to a single even that occurred eight years ago, that she even admits ended in an entirely unjust criminal conviction at the hands of a DA looking for kills for his career as opposed to justice. Prior to said event I had not a single event on my legal record outside of three speeding tickets. And of uch nature that I would do the same thing again as it involved an that places the well being f my son ,and brought unintended harm to me only. That harm came in the form of the legal system itself. And zealous application of a law so broadly written that the scenario could literally happen in any average home devoid of weapons or the existence of anything illegal there in.
So when it comes to the bahavior of whichever party, such is not a symptom of add/ADHD, but that of a mental condition more like Anti Social Personality or Borderline personality disorder.