My Forum Comments
Hopeless, please hear me when I say DO NOT stay because of the kids. I did and it did more harm. They all struggle with their sense of self, healthy relationships, parenting, faith you name it. It is not helping like you think it might be. I stayed for 25 years and I can see how it has severely impacted my children’s lives. I agree with the possibility of hubby being a narcissist with ADD. Do some research on narcissism and how the behaviors mirror what you are describing. Mine didn’t want a plane but numerous failed businesses. Of course all my fault because I didn’t in support of his dream to be a contractor, truck driver, landscaper, real estate agent, commercial cleaning company, electrician, DJ, sing/song writer, hotel management, D and A counselor, producer, house flipper, etc. it may hurt, be scary, lonely on mental, physical, emotional and financial level but you are paying all of that now anyway. You WILL be happy on the other side. That’s me peeking over the top of the fence telling you to climb up!! You Got This.
I didn’t think the intent of this post was to say that people fake it to get meds. My experience is the dismissive “oh that’s my ADD”when someone lost their keys. No one says that’s my COPD if they are out of breath for a minute or two. The dismissive regard for those of us suffering from a true brain impediment I find annoying if not hurtful. Like iforget, Saivon and many others have said, this isn’t a fleeting oops this is a life-long daily struggle !
He is lazy but not intentionally. Oh it seems like it T-R-U-S-T me it does. I say that because I have a 26 yr old that acts like he’s 16. It is hard to watch him play video games, surf the internet etc but can’t remember to do the basics. When he says he forgot he did. To us it is like rain drops on a windshield once the wiper goes across, it is as though they were never there. I tackled my sons issues as though he was a little kid because he thinks and acts like one. Results are not always immediate but worth it.
MEDS: if possible when you wake him up – give meds right then – have water and med in hand. I’m sure you may have done a med study effectiveness symptoms etc (small book with notes) let him do a quick voice memo to record how he’s feeling (reward 1/2 hr extra online time per day)
LATE: I’m leaving at xxx. Give 2 min warning and make sure you pull off at xxx.
NO FOLLOW THRU: Biggest help – Give him clearly defined, bold color coded must do’s and corresponding consequences. Make them short step by step and doable. (His level of doable – this is not a to-do list for you. If YOU have to watch it and work it then it is too complex) Laminate a few copies and post them. Move them around from time to time so he doesn’t become blind to them. (These are his consequences. Remember not to create a punishment for yourself/family. i.e. spending your time looking for lost items, we all stay home bc he didn’t do x,y and z, or bust budget by paying for retake of classes) I know it seems like c’mon this is ridiculous but think of this as his “planner” (don’t get any ideas about him writing stuff down – lol Get him a small laminated 3×5 card for his wallet or pocket)
NIGHT OWL: 2nd or 3rd shift job/Night school if not an option, consider turning off internet access and collect mobile devices until he’s up and ready in the morning.
DOESN’T GIVE A ****: IT IS A LIE – He cares !! he can’t fit in the box he’s expected to so It is easier to do nothing. He’ll suffer through whatever you dish out because he knows there’s another 24 hrs ahead.
Think of how you were feeling when you wrote this post. He feels that way everyday but can’t shake himself out of it. Give yourself a day off and him. That is hard to do but you need a Non-ADD/ADHD day. No Mom wants their kid to go down in flames but if you can get him to see the value in having a few drops of water in his life’s toolbox he’ll be ok. It’s not you (or him) it’s ADD. I wish you luck and joy along the way. ((Hugs))
We are all ADDjusting To Life