Wrong decision

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    • #88383

      I feel every decision I make is the wrong one.
      Its causing so much trouble to me and even more to the people around me.
      Everybody is trying to support me with whatever I decide to do but EVERY time I just can’t get it done.
      I quit my high-salary train driver job, moved to Japan. My parents in law (Japanese) let me in their house and provided for me so I could study the language and get a good job. (But after 8 months I wanted to go work) and So I went to my first job: waiter.
      After 3 months of doing a job I really didn’t like it and my wife allowed me to quit if it was for studying.
      So the boss allowed me to quit for study. So I returned to the study books but never could get the focus to really study and get fluent in the language.
      Because I wanted to work outside, my wife allowed me to go work at a farm for a low salary. After a year I quit because I wanted to start my own farm.
      My boss gave me a field for free and a greenhouse for extremely low price. And now after 2 years I still can’t get it running enough to get a salary from it.
      I tried to look for other jobs but couldn’t enter every time because of language. And every time I go back to the study books, I am distracted every time so I am not getting better at my language.
      So because I started to feel a useless piece of sh*t I wanted to go to my previous job as a train driver and asked my wife if I am allowed to ask to go back.
      She said yes so I applied and now she is angry that she can’t trust my words and that I am not putting effort to study.
      She even said if I go back to be a train driver she would probably stay here because she can’t trust me anymore.
      I really didn’t want to go back to my previous country, I really don’t like it. But after a depression I started to realize that the last time I was feeling alive and could financially also support my family was when I was a train driver.

      Also during daily life every decision I make is the wrong one. I do laundry and hang it outside, soon afterwards weather turns and all laundry becomes wet. In a traffic jam I want to take a side road to be faster, I take the wrong one and end up on a dead end. I try to cook something and use the wrong ingredients.

      I feel I am useless, incompetent and troubling to others. Already for 3-4 months I feel depressed. I don’t want to do suicide or so, just I want to stop existing and troubling others. I regret getting married, not because I don’t love her but because I am troubling my good wife and child so much.
      Now I am stuck with a train company who prepared everything for me coming back and a wife who says she doesn’t want to move back because how unreliable I am, always changing my thoughts.

      • This topic was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Shirokuma.
    • #88435
      Penny Williams

      Have you tried explaining to her that you were looking for a good fit in another job, but just couldn’t find it in your current location? That you want to go back to the train job, not because you like it or you want to move, but simply because you feel like you’re letting her down and you don’t want to let her down anymore? I ask because it sounds as though she feels you’re just being fickle, and doesn’t understand your intention in all this.

      This article may help you with communicating with her better:

      Don’t Just Talk, Communicate

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #88606

      But isn’t it being fickle? Every time I make a decision thinking its the best one, fail and try to search a new solution.
      I told my wife that I wanted to go back because there I can have a good paid job where she can stay home and my daughter can join an international (more expensive) school. While here I can only get low paying job meaning she also must work and for getting my daughter in a good school my parents-in-law would like to pay. They also want to pay for a car, house and other big costs.
      When I said that as train driver in my country we could earn enough without relying on others for money, she blames my language skills. And especially she says I didn’t do my best for studying. When I mention I did my best and because of ADHD I have trouble to focus she says ‘everyone has difficulty with focus during study, it isn’t ADHD’.
      After hearing those things I really don’t know what to say (or feel like saying anything anymore).
      I am bad at planning and focus so my planning at my farm was first year terrible and this year a little bit better. And I focus incredibly on one vegetable and forget to harvest the other ones. Its better this year then last year but still need to improve.
      Also here I get to hear I am not doing my best and am taking advantage of the landlord.
      If I say ADHD also here I get the door smacked against my face and being said everybody has those problems and its just me who isn’t doing my best.

      As a traindriver I was succesfull and also there I don’t need to search new things to do. I can do what I am good at.

    • #89175

      I think you are too hard on yourself.

      You took some risks at very difficult tasks. What you are trying to do is incredibly difficult. Making money off agriculture requires lifelong training, and a big skill set.

      You took a risk and left what you were good at, and tried a new thing. It turns out that you are not succeeding at this. It happens all the time to people when they take risks or change careers. You can’t know until you try.

      I’m especially amazed the criticism is that your Japanese isn’t good enough. It’s very difficult for adults to learn a new language!

      You want to go back to what you’re good at–but your wife doesn’t want to. You don’t say why it is.

      You might want to try and think of a compromise. Write out the options (1) get a job you don’t like (2) move back to your previous country, etc. Then try and figure out a compromise.

      You tried some difficult things, and took some chances. You did not give up immediately. You are finding out there are obstacles and limits. So you want to change your plans. This is 100% normal. Maybe your wife will understand, maybe she won’t. But you should not be hard on yourself about it. Learn from it, and move on and think about what to do differently in the future.

    • #89176

      I have had similar challenges my entire professional life. I am well educated (undergraduate business degree from a top-ranked university, graduated from law school magna cum laude, obtained CPA designation), intelligent, and hard working. I have had a lifetime of failed business and work efforts. Here’s what I did:
      – Acceptance. While it seems at the time you are making the best decisions, life has taught you that your decision making ability is faulty. You need to accept that this is a challenging area for you and that it is a result of biology that is outside your control. You also need to find a way (therapy, medication, acceptance) to let go of the shame. Remember, ADHD is, among other things, a defect in your executive function.
      – Manage your symptoms and behaviors – Ask for help. I have learned to ask others for help. Whether is asking others for their opinions regarding choices I want to make or asking questions about plans that I may have, etc. For various reasons, asking for help is hard for me, but I know it is a necessary form of management of my ADHD symptoms. Best of luck.

      • #89953

        – Acceptance. While it seems at the time you are making the best decisions, life has taught you that your decision making ability is faulty. You need to accept that this is a challenging area for you and that it is a result of biology that is outside your control. You also need to find a way (therapy, medication, acceptance) to let go of the shame. Remember, ADHD is, among other things, a defect in your executive function.

        I never quite got this. Accept what? That my executive function has, and will continue to, predisposed me to repeated humiliation? Accept that I will fail more times than not where others find it easier? Accept that the only reason I made it through school is because I took longer to do it, but now in the work world there isn’t a possible way to take longer to do something because there’s like, really really important deadlines and stuff? F_ck all this. This diagnosis was not a relief. It’s just one more nail. All I see is yet another long tunnel where I can’t see the end of it, or even if an end exists. The only thing keeping me from checking out is my son.

        As for the OP, wow you’ve endured alot. Life sure sucks doesn’t it? Sorry, I wish I had better news for you but it sucks and it will continue to do so. I’m frankly amazed at your tenacity and perseverence. Kudos to you.

    • #89185

      I think you’ve already received some good advice. I would add that it seems you spouse may not have accepted that you have ADHD, or has not been educated on how we are challenged with decreased executive function, lower dopamine levels, etc. Perhaps that is something that might help your perspective on decision making.

      If you are considering the possibility of going back to school/college, you are entitled to supportive services if you have an ADHD diagnosis from a mental health professional. Individual schools may offer different assistance and accommodations, but I know this helped me in 2013/14 during grad school.

      If you are still motivated to continue farming, don’t give up! Remember, motivation is a key factor to our success and we are more engaged in what we are doing when we are motivated. I suggest finding the closest Small Business Development Center (SBDC) for assistance with your business, they are often co-located with community colleges. I also recommend reaching out to the US Department of Agriculture to see if there are additional resources available.

    • #89286

      I indeed want to go back to where I am good at.
      My wife doesn’t want to go back because a while ago I said I didn’t want to go back. My own family is disgraceful and crime here in Japan is very low compared to My own country, Belgium.
      A (few) weeks after I said that I fell into depression because here I can’t get a good job. In general feel clumsy, can’t learn well/unintelligent, impulsive, easily annoyed,… .
      I just want to go to my previous job as a train driver, there I had very good salary (so my wife can stay at home and do her art work and our child can go to a good school), I was good at driving train and was alone without anybody to annoy me. Just me, machine and tracks. Strangely enough people say ADHD and train driving doesn’t go well together but I felt it was a lot more enjoying. Because I was imagining every relay switch, airflow in brake hose, brake blocks,… my mind was very busy and didn’t get bored.

      Because I changed my mind so radically and wanted to go back, my wife doesn’t trust my words anymore. Whatever I will say, I’ll change it later anyway and just create more financial costs. Moving back would cost about 7000euro (8200 USD) what would make it pretty expensive.

      Rwfields, every time I say that I have trouble with something because of ADHD I get to hear that I am using it as an excuse to not try harder my best. I think I will keep farming just as a hobby, growing our own vegetabes and not selling. This is Japan and as far as I know there isn’t SBDC or something.

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