Workplace emotions and impulse

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  • This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 2 years ago by RV.
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    • #54205
      cakesnpies
      Participant

      Hi Guys. I hope to gain some advise with my current situation at the office that is eating at me hard. Excuse me if I put this in the wrong topic.

      I’ll give you the rundown, I’m going through a disciplinary review for offending a coworker by sending him an article on the business Skype. It was 23 things only Eurasians would understand, me being Eurasian too. My coworker has an Eurasian wife and we get along, at least I thought, very well where we could talk about a whole bunch of things. Without thinking and purely on impulse I sent it, having realised I should have got his mobile or personal email. What’s the worst that could happen right? It was clean humour.

      Sadly it backfired and I just feel apart when I got called into a meeting room with my manager and asst. manager. Even before I was freaking out badly and sought some knowledge and empathy from the same guy I sent the article. My manager, I have nothing against and she was only doing her job. The organisation I work for is really good, for that I declared my ADHD last year because its the best place I’ve worked for. I’m their first case of an individual with ADHD declaring themselves to the company. During the meeting I accept responsibility for me actions and it was out of impulse and was creating community at my own expense. Essentially it did nothing.

      Anyway, I felt betrayed and unfairly punished. I had to leave work early. For advise, I called the person who was with me in the meeting to lend emotional support (he’s also my liaison when I first declared my adhd, but not HR). I wanted to see if I could revoke the review and also see if the discrimination policy could be leniant. Sadly no. The next day at work I sincerely apologised with no excuse to my coworker. I didn’t expect him to forgive me, I was peeved (That’s light for how I felt) with him when he said “Just make sure you don’t do it again.” It also just fueled more anxiety and contempt for everyone around because they can be normal. 🙁

      I am really finding myself powerless, especially after conversing with HR said that the policy covers everyone. It’s not that I’m asking for a policy change, I’m asking for the people enforcing the policy to show some compassion for someone like me. I know I can control this 95% of the time, I’m scared of the 5% I will slip and lose an awesome job…

    • #54252
      cakesnpies
      Participant

      Anyone able to share any experiences?

    • #54301
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      ADHD can be really tough in the workplace, especially an environment as strict as yours sounds.

      Here are some strategies to help you rein in this type of impulsivity:

      Open Mouth, Insert Foot

      Office Memo: Don’t Let ADHD Hurt Your Career

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #54382
      RV
      Participant

      Hello cakesnpies!

      You didn’t do anything wrong, they were unfair with you, and the attitude of your co-worker saying “just make sure you don’t do it again” was humiliating, patronizing, unnecessary, unconstructive, and showing an absolute lack of humanity and sympathy. You are right to feel angry, and a subject of unfairness.

      HOWEVER my advice is this: don’t stick to the (appropriate) feeling of anger because it will not do you any good. Also remember that even though this whole situation is unfair to you, from a strict legalist point-of-view it may very well be that you don’t have the law on your side. So, my second advice is to remember that in adult life (perhaps also in childhood) we have sometimes to swallow a bit of unfairness in order to be allowed to carry on with our lives, and jobs.

      I am sorry to know about this situation, but it happens so many times to good people with ADD and good people without ADD. You supposedly break some rule, and this is used against you sometimes in full extent, not because enforcing the rule was so important in the first place, but because breaking the rule gave to those ridiculous dictatores some extra power to exert on you, while “having the law” on their side.

      Life goes one!

    • #54498
      cecile
      Participant

      Hmm that’s a bit of an overreaction, unless your co-worker is feeling insecure about you and his wife’s connection? It does suck, hopefully you’ll bounce back with time. And as a banana with Eurasian kids, I would love a link to the article 😀

    • #54589
      cakesnpies
      Participant

      Hey Guys,

      THANK YOU, for all of your responses. It’s exactly what I wanted to see, by extension the responses have been a great inner morale boost! Especially when I’ve had nothing but trouble, and being aware of ADHD, throughout my life. Now this one opportunity comes where I believe so strongly in the companies values and culture, I really don’t want to lose it. I get it was not easy for my manager to do what she had to do, because she genuinely is a good manager and I respect her very much.

      ADHDmomma, would you have any more articles for how you can communicate your ADHD to your manager, maybe colleagues, eloquently? Bluntly, I’m a very conscious of their reactions in my attempt to explain to them what ADHD is all about even though they know I have it. Well… More fearful of their reactions and what HR might say… I want to be acknowledged for my ADHD not “change everything their because that worker is seeking attention.” I don’t want to sound whiny (childhood fear :'( )

      RV, You’ve hit the nail on the head how I’ve been feeling. Thank you for your reassuring words. Forgive my ignorance and knowledge of your background, I want to stress you’ve shown more compassion and knowledge than what my psychiatrist did in a $300/half hour session did this past Tuesday. The way you addressed the unfairness was dignifying and mature. I had to read it over and over, in my mind it was re-reassuringly alien 🙂 I need to explore that more!

      Cecile, tbh the most I know about his wife, is she’s Eurasian and her first name. Otherwise nothing… The weird thing was I spoke to him about the article before I sent it to him and he gave no indication of his discomfort of it. Somehow people are not obliged to! I wish I could link the article and I couldn’t find a private message option. I can say if you Google ‘eursasians would only know’ you’ll find it. Definitely something my brother and female cousins found so true and very amusing, especially when we’ve grown up in a country that WAS very racially intolerant. We were loathed and very interesting at the same time.

    • #54626
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      @cakesnpies,

      Most ADHD experts recommend that you NOT disclose your ADHD at work in most situations. While protected by law here in the US, employers can easily get around that.

      ADHD at Work: Should I Tell My Boss – Or Not?

      Instead of going to HR and disclosing your ADHD, work with your close superiors on specific individual struggles. For instance, if you were having trouble focusing due to talking and noise around you, asking for a different office or cubicle placement or using headphones while working…

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #55970
      RV
      Participant

      Dear cakesnpies, thank you for your kind words! They made my day! I hope everything is going smoothly now at your workplace!

    • #66768
      rgoodrich
      Participant

      I had a similar experience lately. As a result of my newfound confidence and energy (thanks Adderall!) I took initiative and gathered some information from the chair of another department at our university with the idea of passing it along to my supervisor. Long story short–she was incensed that I had overstepped my bounds, not my role, yadda, yadda. I was humiliated in front of colleagues that I respect. It really affected my nervous system; my stomach was in knots and I couldn’t breathe for a few days.

      I have been able to process the experience and realize that I didn’t do anything wrong, but it’s hard to fully accept that when your central nervous system is still on high-alert. I’ve come to realize it’s a balancing act. We don’t want to act impulsively or inappropriately, yet we can’t stay locked in our offices, always afraid to make waves. I have decided that whenever I have a “great” idea that’s a little out of the ordinary, I’m going to either run it by someone else to get a second opinion, or at least sit on it for a day or two before I act.

    • #102877
      RV
      Participant

      rgoodrich
      I do the same: I have become much more aware of my impulsivity than I used to and now I try not to jump into actions and words. When an idea comes to my mind, I give it at least two days of thought. I also ask my wife whether it is sensible, whether it fits the local culture. Very important: I ask myself whether I benefit from that idea or words.

      Quite often, I feel I have to say or do something because it is correct and makes sense and it is necessary and if I don’t do it nobody will – without even thinking if people around me will appreciate it – and without even thinking whether it will benefit the proponent, that is, me.

      This may sound strange, and I don’t know if others relate to it, but being impulsive together with being “ethics perfectionist” sometimes leads me to make things agains my own interest and which might not even be desired or appreciated by others. So, I would recommend actually being a bit more selfish – I know, it sounds a strange thing to recommend, but in the context of ADHD, it makes sense.

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