Why does anything Matter?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Why does anything Matter?

Tagged: 

This topic contains 9 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  RayBeggs 1 day, 2 hours ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #103160

    Darizuka
    Participant

    My parents recently been asking me why i have no ambition and why i should change and whatnot.

    I know i have no ambition..and to change is not as easy as one might think.

    In all due honesty.. I feel dead inside. I mean i come from a traditional asian family. Its all about honoring parents this and listen to parents that.. And meet their expectations.

    But part of the reason why i dont have any ambition is since i was a child everytime i say i have a dream. I have a goal. Which isnt what they like they shut down as failure or a waste.. …

    Everytime i want to do something outside what they want. Its always wrong or a failure.

    I mean my parents are business folks and such. And quite honestly i understand what that means for me and its just an endless cycle of disappointing them and self-loathing

    But last year when i was 27 i found out i was diagnosed with ADD. Which justified what made me feel different. It was a breath of fresh air and a whole new beginning and i was happy in a way and my work and life improved a whole lot…

    But that was until my own father rather believe the words of a customer over mine. And keep doubling down at that. Standing up for said customer over and ovet and over and over and over… When i feel like i meant nothing…

    Heh.
    This year i got close to a girl and fell in love. She made me feel motivated and strong and supported me and i loved her so much because of it… But then i was forced to leave her with threats of abandonment by my own family.

    And no matter how much i wanted them to meet her before judging. It never happened. They dont want to heat what i say and forced us to break up and lose contact..

    ….ever since then i just been living myself on autopilot.. Since i feel dead deep inside.

    They kept telling me how i need to change and so forth.. Or else “pity for your future wife and child” to have someone like me…

    …and all the more reason im afraid to open my heart to any woman. Or anything…
    And everyday i just continue to live on autopilot. Since i dont feel like i have any control. Or whats the point of anything.. Since either way. Its bound for failure.. Like always.

  • #103164

    Simpleoneaz
    Participant

    As I read this it makes me so sad. I really don’t have much advice. I will share that I have a very critical parent, no father around ever. I was raised by a single parent. It’s not easy working so hard with our ADHD, and working with negative authority figures. I also have depression and it can make me feel numb, at times. I wish you could get out on your own. I wish you nothing but peace of mind and know that we understand and you’re not alone.

  • #103169

    Nikov Time
    Participant

    Friend, it is time to let go of the things that are holding you back from your life. Not leave them, but you must use them to propel you forward to your hopes and dreams. Your battle is not physical as much as mental by worrying about disappointing those around you. You can’t dream and take risks in love and life without letting go of trying to please and appease everyone about you. Respect is a two way street and you will have to earn their respect by taking charge of your life instead of relying on “what may or may not happen” on autopilot. Write down the things you want to accomplish, Devise a plan to get there, be prepared for the journey of a thousand steps. You can only take one step at a time and you may have to take a few steps back and adjust your plan to get to the life you want. Review your plan daily, be mindful throughout your day of your short and long term aspirations. You can still honor your parents and live your life, but you must prove to yourself that you can before they see it as well. Think of it from there perspective as well. You are their son and they do not want to see you fail and struggle as they possibly did growing up. If you are able, get your own place that you can afford and establish your independence in a respectful and loving way. Your parents will have an adjustment period and will honor you with their respect. Take on more responsibilities at your family’s business. Give your Father some time to see that you are capable of taking the reins in his absence. I pray and wish you well in your journey.

  • #103170

    leftie22
    Participant

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so hopeless. I can see why it feels like things don’t matter, since you aren’t getting any encouragement to follow your own path and work to your own strengths. However, if you did find out what matters to YOU, not to your parents, I think you would be a lot happier and feel a lot more purpose and motivation.

    I say this as someone who is married to a man with ADHD, raised in a culture very similar to yours, and whose parents threatened to disown him because they didn’t approve of me. Yet they were also incredibly unsupportive and critical of him, so it was hard for me to understand why their approval still meant so much to him, when all they did was insult, threaten and belittle him.

    It’s been a long road for us, because of course you don’t want to be abandoned by your parents. BUT the fact is, you can’t control them. You CAN control yourself and your life. The more you’re able to follow your own path, and let go of their reaction to your life, the happier you will be.

    My husband had never figured out his own strengths or values, because his parents never let him think for himself. He’s worked really hard since we’ve been together to find and follow his own beliefs about what’s important. Whether or not his parents like it or approve of it – does that really matter in the end? Who do you want to be surrounded by in life – the people who see your good qualities and encourage you, or the people who criticize you?

    I understand that it’s really hard to be put in the position of losing the relationship with your parents if you do what you want to do and love who you want to love. But that’s ultimately your parents choice. They don’t have to cut you off. They can learn and change. Or not. But you shouldn’t design your life around what will make them happy.

    I know that’s easier said than done, but I think you would find yourself building a real support network of people who like the real you, if you could let go of making your parents happy. (And if they’re anything like my husband parents, they’re never happy anyway – so might as well do what you want!!)

    Anyway, wishing you lots of strength. You deserve to have the life you want, and be yourself.

  • #103239

    gote123
    Participant

    Look, your parents are important but part of growing up is creating distance between them and becoming self sufficient.

    You don’t have to do something just because your culture demands it. Start saying “I can” instead of “I can’t”

    And if your family wants to abandon you because you love a girl then raise your hand and say “adios!” because it’s your future and you only get one shot at it!!

  • #103369

    jh.boise
    Participant

    27 year old? Stop and think about that. You are a grown adult, and have been for a long time now. I am very sorry to hear what you described about the woman you fell in love with, but felt you had to make a break from, to appease your parents. It seems quite clear to me that you have one single choice to make: Either you choose to continue allowing your parents to control you and your entire life this way, obviously for their own sake (which is clearly a very self-focused thing to do), or you choose to become your own person and say ‘no’ to them.

    Of course, this is harder than it sounds. It means that you first have to look at your entire life honestly and recognize how dependent you are on your parents for the very essence of your well-being, from how you see and feel about yourself to your next meal, not to mention your sense of identity and belonging. And once you look that in the face you will begin to see more clearly why you are apparently so beholden to them, even to the point of foregoing your own dreams for your own life and breaking up with someone you love, who your parents will not even bother to get to know.

    Can you imagine a headstone on your grave someday that says, “I lived the life my parents wanted me to live [for their benefit]”?

    I am 56 years old, and I have a daughter who is 31, with a granddaughter who is 7. I have always made sure my daughter knew that the life she was living on this earth is hers, not mine, and she has amazed and made me very proud with what she has chosen to do with her own life. You are not on this earth to live someone else’s life. If your parents’ views about this are the result of eons of cultural scripting, and if they are living their lives according to what their parents insisted on for them, that is their own issue to live with, however they choose to. But your life is your own, is it not? If your parents died in a plane crash tomorrow, how would you choose to live your life then? And someday when you are a parent, will you also insist that your child be and do according to your desires for them, to make you look and feel good, or will you free them to make their own life choices? Yes, your experience may be cultural, but at some point someone in your lineage will stand up for their own life and be free of the psychological bondage you are currently living with. That person might as well be you.

  • #103374

    jh.boise
    Participant

    27 years old? Think about that. You are a grown adult, and have been for a long time now. I am very sorry to hear what you described about the woman you fell in love with, but felt you had to make a break from, to appease your parents. It seems quite clear to me that you have one single choice to make: Either you choose to continue allowing your parents to control you and your entire life this way, obviously for their own sake (which is clearly a very self-focused thing to do), or you choose to become your own person and say ‘no’ to them. Of course, this is harder than it sounds. It means that you first have to look at your entire life honestly and recognize how dependent you are on your parents for the very essence of your well-being, from how you see and feel about yourself to your next meal, not to mention your sense of identity and belonging. And once you look that in the face you will begin to see more clearly why you are apparently so beholden to them, even to the point of foregoing your own dreams for your own life and breaking up with someone you love, who your parents will not even bother to get to know. Can you imagine a headstone on your grave someday that says, “I lived the life my parents wanted me to live [for their benefit]”? I am 56 years old, and I have a daughter who is 31, with a granddaughter who is 7. I have always made sure my daughter knew that the life she was living on this earth is hers, not mine, and she has amazed and made me very proud with what she has chosen to do with her own life. You are not on this earth to live someone else’s life. If your parents’ views about this are the result of eons of cultural scripting, and if they are living their lives according to what their parents insisted on for them, that is their own issue to live with, however they choose to. But your life is your own, is it not? If your parents died in a plane crash tomorrow, how would you choose to live your life then? And someday when you are a parent, will you also insist that your child be and do according to your desires for them, to make you look and feel good, or will you free them to make their own life choices? Yes, your experience may be cultural, but at some point someone in your lineage will stand up for their own life and be free of the psychological bondage you are currently living with. That person might as well be you.

  • #103540

    jackh25
    Participant

    I am really sorry for what you’re going through, that sounds so difficult. Parents can be a huge influence on self perception through all of life, and it’s especially hard to disbelieve them when it seems like their intentions are good.

    Of course, they probably do have good intentions, but they’re only human. They are not wiser than you. They have experience of what worked well in their lives, but that doesn’t mean that is what will work best in YOUR life.

    You said you’ve had dreams that your parents disapprove of. I’d like to know, what are those dreams?

  • #103693

    jkate23
    Participant

    So sorry to read about what you are going through. But ask yourself, if you do everything they want you to do you think that will make them happy? I get the feeling that nothing you can do will ever make them truly happy, so why not start living life for yourself?

    Maybe write them a letter, explain how they make you feel, and ask them to give their support to you to pursue your own goals. No wonder you don’t feel any ambition; because you are being pushed down a road you don’t want to live on. Neither your parents or yourself are happy with how things are currently standing anyway, so why don’t you at least allow yourself some happiness?

    All the best, I hope things work out and they start giving you the support you deserve as their son. Xx

  • #103696

    RayBeggs
    Participant

    Be careful of killing money striving to instruct yourself. We have searched for several top ranked websites on the topic of sample resumes aerobics group instructor personal trainer and we have found that there is great info as well as bad info. We are working zealously to consolidate the most reliable advice on the internet to you in one convenient web site. If you unequivocally long to ferret out more about info related to sample resumes aerobics group instructor personal trainer, then you should be diligent and take the time needed to come upon the stellar sources to gather the info.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.