What's the point in trying with an ADHD child?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Parents The Emotions of ADHD What's the point in trying with an ADHD child?

This topic contains 49 replies, has 36 voices, and was last updated by  grumblybear 2 days, 11 hours ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • #53759

    heritagemom11
    Participant

    I’m having one of those days where I’m deciding it would be easier for the whole family if I didn’t make my son do anything he doesn’t want to do.
    My son is 6 is fails at everything. I’ve tried every sport and it’s not fair for his team to have a teammate that doesn’t try. He will literally walk to a base because he is “tired”. He’s just so lazy and although I believe that ADHD does exist..The laziness to me is inexcusable. He moans and fights me on literally everything.

    I have the in attentive version of ADD. I have always tried so hard to overcome this and found creative ways to succeed without my parents hassling me. For this reason, I think this is a personal choice within his abilities to control.

    What set me off today is me trying to get him caught up this summer for first grade. I was reviewing things he knew and he just gives up and he does this so I give in and give him the answers. I tried this for 2 hours today..trying to get him to learn and finally gave up. I was going to take him to swimming..ice cream..you name it. I took all that away from him and its terrible because I have a lovely non ADHD daughter that suffers because of it. I can’t wait to get rid of him when school starts so me and my daughter can have a good time again. I hate that me and my son have a bad relationship and am so against favoritism but now I know how it can exist. When a child is so rotten mothers are human and a wedge is created.

    I have decided in order to have a happier home I will stop forcing him to learn. He literally learns nothing from school so he will probably fail with out my tutoring. I have also decided not to invest time or money in sports or activities for him. He doesn’t even participate and I’ve spent money. Not to mention it’s a huge hassle to bring him to practices and games. It’s frustrating to watch him not even try. He’s my first kid and he made me hate being a mother and I resent him for that. He makes me feel like an awful mother and I resent him for that. I quit my job to focus on him and he has not improved and I resent him for that. The only way to protect myself and my family is to not care, not try, and just count down the days until he’s not my legal responsibility. I was so excited to have a son and it breaks my heart that he isn’t a “real” son.

  • #53859

    youareabadmom
    Participant

    Okay, this is literally the worst thing I have ever read. I’m so upset. I nearly burst into tears reading this. First of all, what is wrong with you? How can you talk about your own child this way?

    You can’t wait to “get rid of him”, are you kidding me?

    Of course he’s not learning. Of course he’s struggling. Look at the way you treat him, think about him. I’m so sorry it breaks your heart he isn’t a “real” son.

    Yeah, you do resent him, and guess what, it’s not his fault. No one pops out of the womb deciding to be a complete piece of crap child. He didn’t show up like “hey I wanna ruin mom’s life.” He needs more help than you can provide. You’re calling him a failure and refusing to “invest” in sports and things because he “fails” at everything? Guess what, lady, we all fail at stuff. We fail A LOT! ESPECIALLY with ADD! Who knows what is going to stick. What WILL stick with your kid is that Mom gave up on him because, as a child, he was bad at activities, he didn’t find one that stuck with him, he’s stupid because he wasn’t doing good in school, etc.

    My younger brother used to act out all the time, because guess what, oppositional personality disorder is a thing too! There are lots of conditions like this that can be co-morbid, especially with ADD! There’s a lot of unexplained anger and contrary-ness that comes out of having this huge, complex feelings, ALL the energy/focus and then NONE of it, etc.

    Why not just slow down and spend time learning to love your child? Ask him what he wants, bring him to a therapist who can help him learn to manage his behavior, get him screened for his ADD officially if you haven’t already so you can get some concrete answers on what his brain is doing and how you can help it develop more productively.

    It’s not easy. It’s not for everyone. It’s better he live with someone else in the family than you if you can’t get past your own ego, resentment and frustration.

    This entire post is gut wrenching. The world doesn’t want us to exist. Executive dysfunction, the primary symptom of ADD, is a real thing. As a child, he may not be able to express WHY he’s being ‘lazy’. Oh, by the way, that’s a great thing to label your kid as. It’s not like they’ll internalize it and hate themselves for being ‘lazy’ as an adult… oh, wait, that’s what happened to me, cuz I had a parent just like you. ADD kids also suffer from a uniquely intense rejection sensitivity – not just from actual rejection, but perceived rejection. You are just batting a thousand.

    The way that you speak to your child becomes their inner voice. The way you treat them teaches them what to expect and what they deserve in this world. Think about what you’re teaching your kid about himself. I’d kick and scream and hate every second of being with you, too. I bet you snap at him all of the time.

    I hope he counts down the days til he’s not your legal responsibility, too. Then maybe someone will love him enough to give him help instead of hatred.

    You should feel like a bad mother because you are one.

    Do better. Go to therapy.

    PS Sorry bringing him anywhere is a huge hassle! Wow! Who knew kids having interests means bringing them around! My brother didn’t participate in any of his practices, but we brought him, and one day he took advantage of it and it’s what he loves.

    How the hell is he supposed to ‘improve’ if you are being such a martyr about being his mother?

    I can’t even go further with this post because this makes me sick.

    You are an adult. Because you did not work on your resentment and immediately came out of the gate angry with your child for struggling and not being able to articulate his own needs(as children do), he is probably scarred for life. And the worst part is teaching this ableism to your other child.

    I hope both of you get the help you need.

    Signed,
    the person your kid becomes when you treat them this way

    And congratulations on being able to figure your own ADD out.

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by  ADHDmomma.
    • #53894

      heritagemom11
      Participant

      Hi, thanksyouarabadmom. I can tell you have a lot of pain and anger from the way your mother treated you. You probably don’t have kids of your own so are unable to understand from another perspective. Right now the world is centered around you. What others have done to you or not done to you or for you. That’s all you know. I’m sure your mother tried everything she knew how but probably saw no results. The fact your mother had an ODD child on top of that..GOD give her a hug. I can only imagine the stress you both put on her. You have to have the patience of a saint and a phd in psychology to properly handle an ADHD kid. There is mourning involved just as if a kid was born with down syndrome. No mother dreams of having a child with special needs. You love your kid always but its HARD and there is a mourning of the child you hoped for. I was having a low day yesterday. Today is better. I tend say things I don’t entirely mean. For me to treat the child better, I have to stop trying so hard with him..let him be who he is until I can think of another plan. Yes, I do send him to a therapist. It has done no good. I have read books, they have not helped. I have tried drugs..they make him too emotional, if that’s even possible. You have no idea someone’s situation..just as I don’t know yours so I will not judge you.

      Have a great day!

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by  heritagemom11.
    • #63527

      carlandrea
      Participant

      .

      • This reply was modified 1 year ago by  carlandrea.
    • #58617

      gentlygenli
      Participant

      Being a parent is a lot like being in a marriage. The difference is that marriages are supposed to be partnerships, and you get to pick your spouse. Your child shows up. Most people imagine that they’ll give birth to miniature versions of themselves. But kids are born as their own people. Some people have kids who are like them. Others end up with kids who are very different and are hard for them to understand. And some kids are born particularly not very nice. They are hard to teach to be good. And sometimes, parents who try very hard end up being parents to a horrible adult who does horrible things. At one extreme…some serial killers have good parents. And when you see a difficult child not responding to everything you’re trying, you can fear that something like this will be your kid’s future–he will be a failure in life, or he will be a bad person, or both. (My chant for a number of years was, “Please let him not be a con man!” I couldn’t be sure WHO he really was–he was way too good at lying at way too young an age.)

      Here is a woman who has given everything she has to the point of sacrificing her career and neglecting her younger child, and what she gets seems like nothing but consistent resistance. Children by their very nature take more than they give, but when a child is a bottomless pit of nothing but taking, taking, taking with no glimmer of hope that anything is happening…well, that damages a parent-child relationship as it would and other. It sucks all joy from your life.

      She’s not a bad mother. She doesn’t expect her kid to do more than be not-horrible in the sports that HE says he wants, and he’s not even making any kind of effort.

      She’s angry because she’s a good mother, and being a good mother to the point that she’s breaking hasn’t seemed to make one bit of difference to him.

      I’m an ADHD person and the mom of several kids, 2 of whom have ADHD. I see both sides. Guess what? Being the mom is WAY harder.

      Medication is really going to be the only way that he can respond to her in any kind of appropriate way. The sooner the better–for everyone.

  • #53889

    angela_dvornyk
    Participant

    Hi all. Yes. It is sorry to read such story. I have a bit similar. But I understand that my vhild behaves in that because of something. Because of me mainly. The only thing helps me is to show him that I love him, I trust him. I understand him and his reaction. And can you imagine what he wants from me- just to be smaily!that is all. And that also helps.

  • #53908

    parentcoachjoyce
    Participant

    Hi,

    If we parents of kids with ADHD are honest, we will admit that the thoughts you put on ‘paper’ have at one time or another crossed our minds on the bad days (although many of us just don’t verbalize it.) I know that you wrote that post on one of your bad days, and I do sincerely hope you are feeling better today.

    I have a couple of things to offer, for whatever they’re worth:

    You are running a marathon not a sprint and since you have 12 more years of parenting (as much as we are all sometimes tempted to ‘quit’, it’s not an option) so it’s important that you take care of yourself and find a way to feel better despite the challenges you are facing. The bottom line is that he is who he is and you are not going to be able to change him. The ONLY thing you can change is your reaction to him. Sure, you can help him find tools and techniques to help with his challenges, and you can set limits and expectations as a parent…but you can’t MAKE him do anything and the longer you try, the worse things will get. For both of you.

    It would be a good idea for you to get some one on one help for yourself, whether it’s a therapist or a parenting coach. The most important reason for doing so is that you will have a safe place to vent, reframe your thoughts and make decisions about how to deal with things AWAY from your son. As hard as it sometimes is, it’s absolutely critical that you shield your son from the kind of venting you did here among us adults: it’s so important that he never hear you say that you think he’s rotten, not a real son, etc. As hard as his ADHD is for you to deal with, it’s hard for him too and he’s going to have to find a way to love and accept himself so he can deal with his challenges the rest of his life; it’s so important that he knows you love and accept him unconditionally. You are his rock and safe place in a world that will judge him and exclude him and make him feel like the biggest loser there is. It’s important that you let him know that while you don’t love his choices or his actions, you do love him and you are there for him as a team to figure out how to deal with the ADHD-related challenges together. So again, it’s critical that you find a safe place to get out your frustrations (like you did here) but shield him from all of that at all costs.

    Also, one on one help is a good idea for you as a way to help you reframe your thoughts. The fact is that it’s not your son’s ADHD that is making you feel so bad; it’s your THOUGHTS about it: change your thoughts and your emotions will change. I know this maybe sounds all pollyanna-ish but trust me, it’s true. (Think about the example of rain: some people love it, some people hate it–it’s not the rain causing the emotion, it’s the thought.) I know that rain is not the same as a son’s ADHD but the point I’m making is this: how you feel is going to play a huge role in how you deal with your son, the parenting decisions you make and the results you are going to get (how he will behave in reaction to you). So in order to feel better (and then do better and get better results), you absolutely have to find a way to reframe your thoughts and choose better-feeling ones. It’s hard to see the forest for the trees when you are in the middle of things so it’s really important that you seek out help for this. A good therapist or coach will help you work through your resentment, anger, bitterness, as well as the feelings of mourning and grief, so that you can parent in a calm, confident, patient way.

    The other thing I want to bring up is the most important thing I learned raising my son: Rules without Relationship = Rebellion. If he doesn’t feel connected to you, he will not be inspired to please you. In fact, he will more likely be hell bent on defying you as a way to restore his own dignity and sense of self. So the best thing you can do, as you are realizing, is to stop “trying to get him to do what he doesn’t want to do.” Instead, you need to learn ways to set expectations and limits in an environment of trust, respect and unconditional love. One really good program to help with this is “Parenting with Love and Logic” (there are classes all over the country as well as a book). This program doesn’t advocate that he should be able to do whatever he wants. But it does show you ways to allow you create a mutually-respectful, loving environment where he is allowed to make choices and then experience the logical consequences of his choices/decisions, and you are there to help him when he asks for it. Too much to get into here, but I highly recommend you search out a class near you. It made a huge difference in my household with both my kids and made a huge difference for me too because it gave me a new way of handling things other than power struggles and arguing, which never worked anyway. The other thing that is important to focus on is finding ways to LIKE your son (and to let him know that you do). Academics may not be his strength, but surely he must have some…is he artistic, loves animals, interested in a particular hobby? If you can focus on the good parts of him, and find ways to enjoy things together, it will benefit both of you, and your relationship–which is such an important foundation. As I said earlier, for as frustrated as you are toward him, he is beating himself up a hundred times worse for failing, disappointing you and in his mind ‘not ever doing anything right’. (Even if he doesn’t show it, he feels that way; trust me.) It’s critical that you find things that you enjoy about him so that he can feel worthwhile and loved at home, despite his ADHD-related challenges.

    I hope some of this helps. I feel for you and know how hard it can be. I made it through (my son is now an adult) and I know you can too. But it will be a long road. It’s not too late to change things around, for you and for him. But like I said, I think the key for you is to stop focusing on changing him or trying to ‘make him’ do things and instead focus on taking care of yourself so you can feel better and focus on strengthening your relationship with him. All the rest will flow from there.

    All the best,
    Joyce Mabe
    Parenting Coach, author, mom of adult son with ADHD
    website: http://www.parentcoachjoyce.com

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by  parentcoachjoyce.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by  ADHDmomma.
    • #75709

      harrisdoreen08
      Participant

      Joyce – you are an angel!!

      For the original poster, wow… I agree with others who suggest you focus in getting some professional help. While we all have our ups and downs, writing that you are giving up on unconditional live for your child, at 6, is scary, and is your resentment speaking. Please do yourself, your son, and this world a favor and seek help in learning effective strategies to first find the love again and heal your relationship with your son. You can fire any venom back at me that you want, but trust me – this is the voice of prior regret and learned renewal, and I hope for the latter for you earlier than I found it.
      Please also consider that often, we ADHDers are also highly sensitive and/or empaths… which means when we are even just around people frustrated woth us, we know it, and it’s hurtful, and we withdraw and/or react.
      I wish for peace, love, patience, and healing in your life. As frustrated as you are, it’s worse for your son, and he needs you. Give him extra hugs now before he won’t let you get close.

      Sorry you appear to feel you shouldn’t bother helping another human being to learn about and overcome their disability; I hope it’s just your own challenges talking and that you have, or will, get the help you need.

  • #53962

    I’m sending you a hug because you probably need one. All ADHD moms have been there. We try really hard to get our buys what they need, and we wear ourselves out with frustration in the process, often reaching multiple deadends before we find the right methods/answers, if we ever do. I remember many times that I felt like you describe when my son was your son’s age. He’s 14 now, and we still have our bad days, no matter how hard either of us tries. I wish I could send answers, but I don’t know how to fix your situation any more than you do. So, I will send empathy. You’re not alone. Hang in there.

    • #53972

      heritagemom11
      Participant

      Thanks! I’m trying to not get overwhelmed as he’s only 6 and I know I have a long way to go. Good luck with your son as well!

  • #53988

    ADHDmomma
    Keymaster

    If you’ve met someone with ADHD, you’ve met one person with ADHD. It affects everyone in different ways. So, don’t expect that your son can control particular behaviors because you found a way to control your own as a kid. You may share the same diagnosis, but you are far different people.

    Remember, ADHD is a developmental disorder. That means you are really parenting a 3-4 year old. It’s crucial that you define your expectations of him based on this fact. Otherwise, expectations beyond capability lead to acting out, oppositional behavior, and crisis behaviors. It also increases anxiety and/or depression.

    Try to banish the word lazy when talk about or to your son. The ADHD brain is motivated by urgency and interest, NOT by importance like a neurotypical brain. So, if baseball was boring to him (was to my son for sure), he lacks interest, and then his brain isn’t motivated to participate or do well. It’s not a character flaw, it’s just the physiology of his brain. You can use this knowledge to your advantage though. What is your son interested in? How can you incorporate that into summer learning? Into social activities?

    Of course you’d like some time alone with your daughter that isn’t clouded by the difficulties of ADHD. And she deserves that. I had to set time aside for my daughter where we did things together just the two of us. It helped her a great deal, and helped me and my guilt over her brother needing more of me.

    Parent self-care is absolutely crucial too. You can’t do your best for your kids when you’re not being cared for as well. Stress causes a lot of harm.

    Right now, you can create positive change by setting appropriate expectations for who your son really is and by meeting him where he is. Also, by spending some alone time to nurture your daughter, and caring for yourself too.

    Can’t Take Him Anywhere

    My Child Just Doesn’t Listen! And More Frustrating Discipline Problems

    Penny
    ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

  • #54196

    heritagemom11
    Participant

    Thanks all! I’ve read all of your replies and truly appreciate it.

  • #55079

    Suz1
    Participant

    Hi Heritagemom11,

    I understand your point of view. He is very young still. Many kids start out not very aggressive in their learning, but pick up the pace as they progress in school. He’s not even first grade yet. Give him a little time. He also sounds like he may be a bit shy and a perfectionist, so him not trying is just his way right now to not show he’s not good at something.

    I’m also not sure of the age where ADHD is diagnosed. I thought my son for sure had ADHD from the day he was born. Very unhappy baby and toddler…tantrums, and never, ever settled down. So active OH MY GOSH he wore me out.

    I bring this up because he reminds me of you son at this age (he’s 15 yrs old now). As a 5-7 year old we had him in sports but he was just not into it. He did “ok”. He also hated all the social situations other kids seemed to love…bouncy houses at parties, groups of loud children, lol. But he loved school…it gave him structure without too much pressure on how social or athletic he was.

    I started and recommend the “Love and Logic” program. It will help you ten-fold in strong willed children. Also, something that helped me a lot was telling my son, I don’t care what activity you do, but you do have to do something for fun and fitness. Let him pick the sport…kids will never, ever do well in anything they are not personally invested in.

    My son chose tennis. It’s perfect for him, they have high expectant of his attendance and it keeps him focused. Some kids do much better at individual sports as oppose to “team” sports. Some other sports such as golf, gymnastics, swimming, even track or cross country are sports where the individual is part of a team but are really trying to ultimately beat their own best score.

    Then again, some kids just are not cut out for sports. Maybe his personality fits the arts and theater. Maybe it’s robotics and a strong stem program will fit him better.

    Be kind to yourself and be kind to him. He’s still a very young child and needs to be guided to try new things but not forced it it’s clearly not for him.

    Incidentally, if you really suspect ADHD, sports may not be for him at all. Many ADHD kids have poor coordination for at least he early years (many also have high coordination). But don’t pigeon hole him so young. And don’t be so hard on yourself…give it time to develop your relationship. You are having frustration because your trying to control…give him some options to pick for himself and let him know whatever he picks he needs to follow through on, but can change at the end to something else. It’s great and a learning process to get him exposed to many different activities. Good luck mom! Don’t give up! He needs you and will need you until he’s at least 40 years old, hahaha. Just enjoy him, he will be ok and so will you!

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  Suz1.
    • This reply was modified 1 year, 2 months ago by  ADHDmomma.
  • #55085

    caddie.hart
    Participant

    I agree with parentcoachjoyce. We all have our bad days where we want to rip out our hair and these dark thoughts cross our paths. You just put it to paper, and maybe thats how you find catharsis. One thing that has helped me is finding many other little ways that help me cope and get stronger – you definitely need “me time”, its so vital. I don’t judge you, I know how it can make us feel but I’ll bet when it comes down to it, you would never actually ever “get rid” of him 🙂
    Someone always said to me, “Eat that elephant one bite at a time” and its so true. You need to take baby steps day by day – you will eventually get there xx

  • #55093

    jeschainks-jrchase
    Participant

    I am ADHD, my children are all a combination of learned behaviors and real ADHD. ALL of my children have had struggles that made me question my life, my decision to have children, my ability to motivate people… etc. To be quite honest, I fail so often at motivating them and my disabled husband (husband number 3, but all previous ones as well), that it has influenced my entire view of the world as a whole.

    Honestly, I never considered not being their mother… BUT there are SO MANY times I have given up on the “making” them do anything. My children are all grown up now. I don’t make any of them do anything… not even the one that still lives here and now has a child of her own.

    I tried everything, I read everything, did anything anyone suggested except beat my children. There was always three problems – the first problem was that I couldn’t remain consistent to save my life… I was as likely to try something else or forget what we were doing as to stay on task with any of it. The second problem was the ONLY thing that was even close to consistently successful in motivating my children to do anything was money… which I never had… which meant over time they had less interest in it. The third thing, literally, I would forget they were in trouble. Once, one of my children actually stood in the corner for over an hour (more than ten years old)… I forgot they were there. Most times, they would know I didn’t know they were there anymore and leave.

    So, when I wasn’t being a bad mom, I learned that my children had figured out how to manipulate me.

    The good news is that I was never manipulated by failure or temper tantrums. Those never phased me…. from the beginning I told my children they were smarter, and if they felt like they should be dumb, that was their fault. Even at some point or another they were put into IEP or other types of things they didn’t like.

    I never picked FOR them what they would do… I did let them try most things they wanted to try – sports, drama, etc. Whatever we could afford and whatever was reasonably safe.

    At one point, I had tried forcing things… my one son, put him in football because I thought it might motivate him. He has an AMAZING solid frame and would make an awesome football player. He went, he stood there and stared at the sky… he could care less what everyone else was doing – I felt like a horrible mom putting him out on the field. Worse, other parents thought I should beat him into submission/attention. Meanwhile, in those younger years, my youngest and smallest son LOVED football. Wouldn’t you know that was the child I was deathly afraid would be broken into little pieces by the end of every game? I couldn’t watch… I just couldn’t.

    Once, when the boys were all between 3-7, I grounded them to the house because they wouldn’t clean their room. I refused to clean it for them. I felt that since they had made so much effort to tear the room apart they should clean it. Yes, one was a little young, but the older two… it should have happened. Well, they were still grounded two weeks later, the mess was much worse. I still refused to clean it. Sometime during that week our neighbor had her grandchildren for a few days, and being older, she didn’t realize that children under the age of… I don’t know…9?, need supervised while outside. Other neighbors, who knew I was the only one on that side of the street with small children called CPS and told them that my children were running around all week without adult supervision. They came to my house. All of my house was clean except the boys’ room (they shared a room back then – cute little bunk bed setup and all). They didn’t believe that my children had been grounded to the house for weeks now… they said that if the children didn’t clean their room I had to… and so much other “fun” annoying things. It was great, because they said it in front of the children, they didn’t help me anymore for years.

    So, there are so many more stories I could tell you… most end in heartache.. some end in surprise.

    BUT… being ADHD and having children with ADHD…. and learned behaviors of ADHD…. here is what I am going to say.

    It sucks, being a parent sucks a LOT… for as many good things as you can count, there are bad things – cleaning up, listening to teachers complain that they have “so much potential” but are so “lazy”… seems to always trump that day at the park when they smiled and insisted you were the best mom in the world. BUT life sucks…. whether your children are in it or not, people generally have a way of making you as miserable as they do happy. Think of arguments with your family, your husband, your friends… and it really depends on how much you have to see those people. TRUST me, most people are more annoying when you have to spend every hour of the day under the same roof as them… why should it be less so with our own children?

    What should you do? Well, basically, you are right… only you don’t understand what you are right about. Stop caring? Yes!!! Why are you beating yourself up all the time? You are not GOD… you cannot make anyone do anything they don’t want to.. I don’t care if they are 2 or 95… if someone does not want to they won’t.

    So first… quit beating yourself up. You may be the mom, but you don’t have some magical powers that make children listen.

    Second… get help… YOU AND YOUR children should do family counseling… I actually loved those, and while we were going (until they got older and I wasn’t the only one they lied to anymore).

    Third…. revisit your expectations. Yes, ADHD children have more energy… but there are a lot of other ways to get that energy out than just sports. For example, I do not object to what I saw on television about making a child beat their way out of a box to get dinner. (I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO AWESOME!!!). If your son is happier spending that same amount of time running through the park like his head is cut off… then really, why would you force sports? You can also ask a counselor or your doctor what other methods of energy output are safe. If you think the park is hard to keep track of him… try the mall? I don’t know if I would do the mall… but maybe get a pool for summer … something not too deep… fence in your yard (gardening fence is cheap, and usually works until a child is a bit older). Fill the yard with balls, hola hoops, jump ropes… etc. Accept donations, most families never use that crap when they buy it.

    Don’t tell your child when he fails… as a matter of fact…. do this line, for now on “well, I guess, I just really thought you were smarter than that”. Why? because I guarantee he is telling you wrong answers so that you will get angry and walk away. So, don’t get angry… just say, “Oh well, I guess you will hate school when everyone realizes you don’t know as much as them”. And let your child make mistakes and decisions… their mistakes and decisions mean a lot more when they fail than yours do. If they fail because you made the decision… then it is your fault. If they fail because they made the decision, it is their fault. Yeah, they still blame you, but in their head they know it is their own fault.

    You can’t control the world, or children, you can only hope to guide them.

    “Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and Wisdom to know the difference.”

    • #58615

      gentlygenli
      Participant

      My kids don’t get to do ANYTHING ELSE until their room is clean. That includes such things as the next meal and sleeping in their beds.

      The record for refusing to clean was 16 hours, held by my eldest, who is now 14. He did it when he was four. He had water and bathroom breaks and eventually fell asleep on the pile of toys. I sneaked off and took a nap and then resumed my vigil. After he woke up and discovered that he still wouldn’t get out of it, he caved and did the cleaning in 30 minutes, then skipped next door to play, because playing is more of a priority than eating.

      That was one of the rare showdowns with him. When it was possible to arrange them, they were grueling but always resulted in lasting change. He’s my hardest and easiest at once!

      • This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by  gentlygenli.
  • #55100

    Zoelyn
    Participant

    I think, i know that frustration, and i am sure you ddont want to express this way about your loovely son. I remember those years of me trying to find something for my daughter, and get home without getting any feedback from her. She was excited for few hours Nd thatvwas it. We tried, like you are trying, many thing. For kidsbwith ADD is best if the practice sports where they dont have to play in a team, such as karate, swimming, track ans field, etc. For my daughter was family music what got her motivated. I am glad music came ro hwr life, because research says that music help with math, reading and of course concentration. I still struggle because its hard for me to se that shw also struggles with that inner motivation ans somwtimes seems like she is not trying. My daughter is 20 years old and i wont trade having her in my life for anything. She gets overwhelmed, flustered, she gives up on herself oftwn5 and we go to therapy for coaching, but she has the certainty that i’ll never give up. If she cannot do things one way, is because we have to find her way, but we keep teying.
    I am sorry you feel that way, we all have those datk days when we think there is no way out, but you were brave to write about and take out of your chess. Juat dontet your son feel that toubarw giving up, we are all they have.
    Hope this helps

  • #55112

    hug
    Participant

    Dear Weary Girl,

    You have already done so much, dear friend, it’s okay to be weary. Sometimes it is just so hard to think that we still have to keep going even when it seems like we’ve been going and going and going. The beginning is hard, and sometimes it’s hard to finish….but the most important time is sometimes the time that happens between the two of those times.

    There is this time, this space between not anymore and not there yet…..that middle space…that space where it’s hard to keep going, it’s hard to keep perspective and it’s hard to keep a smile on our faces. This is an important time, and a confusing time. It’s a time that we don’t know how to measure and that we aren’t sure when will end. It’s a time when we’ve got to be braver than we’ve ever been.

    If you are weary, beautiful soul….know that it’s okay to stop and rest. It’s okay to take a break. It’s okay to cry when you are in between here and there. It’s okay that you want to quit, it’s just very important that you don’t quit. It’s okay to spend some time thinking about quitting and then spend even more time not quitting. But, when you are weary, it’s okay to have a break in the middle somewhere……and then remember where you are headed and get going to where you belong.

    You have always been strong enough to do this…you have always been brave enough…that has not changed. You know even more now…you are even stronger and braver. You are going to be okay. You are a phenomenal woman.

    And you are so very loved.
    xoxo

    (From daily email available at bravegirlsclub.com)

  • #55126

    loudakay
    Participant

    I totally understand what you’re saying. My son is 12 years old and there have been days that have been so off-the-charts awful that I’ve considered running away from home. And worse. Here is what I’ve been learning lately —

    He can’t be fixed. I have to guide and reward him in ways that work for him, not ways that work for a “normal” child. That means we start the day over six or seven times a day (sometimes). That means we work in 15-minute intervals, because after 15 minutes, he’s absolutely burnt. Once I’ve punished him by taking away a treat, he’s gone, I can’t retrieve him, it will only get worse. Instead, we work for rewards and do not reward bad behavior with undue attention.

    When we do schoolwork, I let him move around, make noises, tap his fingers, etc. It’s very annoying, but he needs to do it. I’m not perfect at letting him be himself but some days when I’m better at it than others. It’s really difficult. I appreciate that you wrote your ugly thoughts down for all of us to see, and want you to know that I am not alone when I say: I hear you.

  • #55131

    heritagemom11
    Participant

    Thanks for allowing me to vent and your encouraging words. I literally know no one that is in my situation so it’s so isolating. My family always says..send them to my sisters house and she’ll straighten him out. As if being harder on him would work. I would do that if it did work 100%. Also, I’m not forcing him into sports. Every time I ask him if he wants to do soccer..swimming..tee ball (those are the ones he’s tried)..He always says yes! Then I get excited like maybe he’s matured enough and then he doesn’t even try. Then we are stuck wasting our time for the entire season. Most kids are bad at sports at this age but he’s especially bad because he literally doesn’t try at all. Honestly the bar is set so low for him and I don’t expect him to be a superstar or anything. However, we have limited resources and I don’t have 100 bucks a month just to burn. I have a little girl, 3 years old. She started gymnastics and she LOVES it. She listens to her coach and follows along her class. I would rather spend our limited resources on the child who participates. She’s no angel..she’s strong willed but we have a much closer bond. After all, I know kids can be tough but my son is so beyond having any redeemable qualities it’s hard to cope. When I see our future, I see him not wanting a relationship with me..which makes it harder to put any energy into this child. If I want to change this then I would probably just accept that he’ll be a lazy loser dumbass (horrible I know, and I would never say this to him) then we may have a more peaceful relationship. Basically expect nothing from him because you can’t force someone to do something and it just causes fights. Has anyone gone this route?

  • #55138

    jeschainks-jrchase
    Participant

    Well, I agree with the one post, stick in in sports where he succeeds or loses, not a whole team. Unless he is not interested. Maybe he wants to do gymnastics? I am thinking about convincing my daughter to let me put her son into it. It requires attention, which is nice, and it is a challenge for ADHD… because some of us are pretty clumsy. Also, maybe he wants to do the sport, but then doesn’t want to spend the time with the other children?

    You should do family counseling, I know that it can be frustrating, but it should be covered on nearly every health plan, especially if your son has an ADHD diagnosis.

    Also, really consider that he is probably not going to be a lazy loser in the future… likely, he is going to surprise you. So, mostly all you are here to do is provide guidance and encouragement. So, when he is being stupid and annoying about homework and you have tried the “What will your teacher say when you get to school tomorrow and it isn’t done?” or the… “Ok, so you are saying to me that none of this makes sense and it’s stupid? I understand it, and I think you do too.”

    Just don’t use these sayings: “If it really mattered to you….” as if things don’t matter or aren’t important. I heard that constantly growing up. I had no desire to deal with my parents because clearly it was my fault because nothing “mattered” to me. I never used that on my children and I didn’t let anyone else.

    Don’t say this one: “Do you want another week of grounding?” Cause, mostly we don’t care after the first week… if you try to bore us we will either lash out or find something else to do… or sometimes both. That never worked, if they were already grounded and they are still doing things wrong, then clearly that isn’t working.

    I don’t know which ADHD you are dealing with… I know when I was younger I could completely zone out the rest of the world and not even realize I did it. My mother used to smack me upside the head if she saw me doing it, even if it was during washing dishes. On the other hand, my children never did that, worst they did was tune us out. Similarly, I had to be doing something at all times of the day, what was rarely as important as that. Grounding meant nothing, take everything away and I will just pick up a pen and paper… my children were like that. Even technology groundings didn’t work. On the other hand, and same goes for me and my children… if were captivated by something, there was a really good chance that we could do it. For example, when I was kicked out of the first and second grade classrooms for talking too much, giving other students the answers, and not raising my hand…. the librarian showed me speed reading, and guess what I did for the entire two years of school? I got really fast at reading, and by third grade was reading on a high school level.

    Oh….. and I know this isn’t traditional ADHD stuff… but figure out what his learning styles are… you would be amazed at how much that will help you help him with homework. For example, my one son couldn’t learn a thing if he didn’t have a pencil in his hand to fidget with. He was funny. I actually couldn’t learn anything if you talked about it… I had a lot of trouble hearing things. On the other hand, my daughter can’t make heads or tails out of written instructions, but can learn anything from a video.

    Type in “learning styles inventory for children” – trust me, this is a super helpful area.

    Ok, good luck, I am actually going to click off notify, because I will totally kick my computer if there is a lot of stuff in email every time I come back from wondering off.

  • #55146

    emmkay
    Participant

    Hi, heritagemom11,

    You sound so very frustrated and like you are at the end of your rope. I get it. This is not the parenthood we imagined, and it’s very difficult to wrap a mind around. It sounds like you have tried everything you know how to do, and it must be very painful to not see the results you wish for. I have definitely found myself at that point many times – when I realize that I am out-matched by my son’s issues, that the skills that are needed are beyond the skills I currently have. I’m left feeling helpless, like a bad mother, and I feel terrible for not being able to help my son and make our household a harmonious and pleasant place for all of us to live and grow.

    One of the realizations I’ve had is that my son is in a similar situation. He tries everything he knows how to do and doesn’t get results that satisfy people or that make him feel comfortable and capable. Life situations and our expectations require skills that he does not have, and he is out-matched. He does the best with what skills he has but finds himself unsuccessful. And he has no idea why.

    The difficulty is that with ADHD and other differently-wired bodies & brains, the skills and behaviors that come naturally to others don’t happen automatically. They don’t make sense. These kids, and adults, are being asked to do a job that requires skills they do not have, and they can’t figure out how everybody else is getting by and they aren’t. This leads to thoughts like – I must be stupid, There must be something wrong with me, I can’t do anything right. It can lead to feelings of defeat and hopelessness. Why try? ——- Sound familiar?

    It sounds to me like you both need help. And hope. Things can be better, but you will have to seek out the skills you need in order to parent the child you have, not the child you had expected. And you will have to recognize that your child needs your help and your unconditional love.

    You could both use a taste of success. It sounds like sports is maybe not his thing. What is his thing? What is he curious about? Whatever it is, figure out how to nourish it so that he finds some strength and success. And if in one little thing you can go with his flow instead of fighting the current, you may find you are successful as well.

    If he has not had a full evaluation, I strongly recommend pursuing one. It helps tremendously to clarify what your are working with and to identify both strengths and weaknesses as well as educational need. If he goes to public school, write a letter (not an email) expressing your concerns about your son’s development and school performance and request a full psychoeducational evaluation. Mail it to both the school principal and special education director. For help with this and what to do next, go to http://www.parentcenterhub.org/find-your-parent-center/ and find the email and phone number for your local Parent Training & Information Center (PTI). This is a free resource for parents to help navigate the evaluation, education, and special education process. The process can be kind of messy and overwhelming, and I found my local PTI to be invaluable in working through it with my son’s school.

    Medication – While they don’t solve everything, medications can be a game-changer. Did he try multiple medications and dosages? A clear diagnosis will help tremendously. There are so many options, but it can take weeks (and sometimes months) to find the best fit. If your pediatrician is not able/willing/knowledgeable to patiently work through the process, see if you can get a referral to a specialist.

    Therapy – It sounds like you need some support! You did the right thing by posting, here among “your people”. You’re right, there is mourning for what you don’t have. But the world keeps turning, and we find ourselves with another day in which our kids need our love and support. And we need it too. See if you can find an understanding therapist or a group where you can express all these feelings and find some personal validation and support.

    Day-to-day behavior – As you said, punishment and withholding privileges doesn’t work with these kinds of kids. Please visit http://www.livesinthebalance.org/parents-families. There are very good resources, based on the work and writing of Dr Ross Greene, who wrote The Explosive Child. However you like to get your information – there is the book and other written resources, videos, and podcasts. It’s all about how traditional reward-punishment doesn’t work with our challenging kids. It’s a process we continue to work on, but I find it all super helpful.

    I apologize for what may be an overly-long reply, but I was really struck by your post. I’ve been there and wished someone reached out a hand to me. You can do this. Don’t give up on your son or yourself. Show your daughter what unconditional love looks like and how to give it. And know you’re not alone.

  • #55593

    kellyh
    Participant

    I just had to let you know you have given me little giggle today in your topic title… ADHD is insurmountable if we cannot see ‘the point’ in what we’re meant to be doing.

    NOT sure if you’ve got it too but it’s ‘such an ADHD framed question!

    Raising my kids is far easier than being a sufferer myself, my Kids are 18, 16 and 6 and I just wish you kyfj.

    There is a point though, and a
    worthy one, so good luck

  • #55594

    kellyh
    Participant

    Autocorrect and I are having a mammoth fight today I apologise for the mistakes.

  • #55778

    E.L.S
    Participant

    Hi I’m little different from most people in this thread as I’m only 19 and had a very late diagnosis at 18 but my little brother exhibited early signs of having ADD, in talking around 3/4 and wasn’t able to get properly diagnosed and medicated until several years later. It was a long process for my mum and dad who really struggled to get him the help, at this time they were asked if they wanted any of their other children tested to see if they had ADD as well, I was around 11/12 by this stage and they said no there was no way I had it, I mean I had always not just done well in school but excelled and seemed to have no trouble with my memory as I could remember things from years ago. However over time I felt things get harder and harder I forgot what people had asked me to do which led to many fights with my parents. I would find myself zoning out in class then panicking when I realised I hadn’t been listening. Trying to keep myself organised was so hard and revising and trying to keep my attention on the page was more difficult with every year and set of exams, having to reread over and over because I hadn’t been taking the information in. Things reached breaking point in my lower 6th year during my AS Year My parents got me tutors and seemed to thing I just wasn’t trying but I was I was trying so hard and nothing was getting better. Thinking back I can honestly say during this time I was severally depressed, my brother who was being medicated was thriving in school top of his year group whereas I had slipped to the very bottom. Everything was so easy for my friends who I used to be on or with but now I worked harder than any of them stayed up late to put in the extra work to still do worse than them. I spent a lot of time frustrated and in tears cause I couldn’t understand what was happening to me, I even self harmed once. I didn’t know what was going to happen to me I was positive I would fail the year and what would happen to my future then, I tried to tell my friends how bad it was but they thought I was over reacting, they only believed me when it came to results day and I got two E’s and U, it was honestly the worst day of my life I had never felt so ashamed or at a loss for where my life was going I had never even got a D before. My mum and dad however unknown to me had organised for me to see that doctor who had asked them years ago if they wanted any other children tested. I went without much hope and told them I know I’m going to past the test it’s just me there’s no reason for my brain being so stupid but they made me go anyway and we had to fill out a questionnaire before hand and I was surprise at some of the questions and why they were relevant but also how they applied to me. “Do you tend to blurt out something without thinking about how it will affect others” yes, “do you have organisational problems” yes “do you find yourself zoning out” yes and so on, of course there were some that didn’t apply as it was a questionnaire for both ADD and ADHD and I was not hyperactive. But when my result from the tests came we went to the doctor again and he spoke to me by myself asking my about my school experience I told him how hard things had got and he called my mum and dad back in. He told them she 100% has ADD as well, I couldn’t believe it but as he explained it all it all made sense and I couldn’t help but cry. ADD and ADHD can have different symptoms in girls and sometimes be much harder to spot he also said that because I had been trying so hard for so long I had manage to mask my difficulties until final it became to much this year and I just broke. He’d seen my school reports and looking at them all from P1 to lower sixth there was a slow decrease in my scores that he said would have been much more apparent if I hadn’t been working so hard to try to maintain them. My questionnaire and tests backed this up and I just couldn’t believe after all this time I had ADD too. I am now medicated, made the tough decision to resist the year without my friends and changed subjects to more coursework based subjects that didn’t relie on one exam on one day that my memory had to remember everything I’d learnt, now I’m in upper sixth finally I got 2 A’s last year and a C and I’m awaiting my final A level results next week with 5 university offers as well as an apprenticeship job offer with one of the leading accounting firms in the world. I know this was long but I really wanted to share my experience and from reading this you probably think gosh her parents must have had a horrible time they must have thought she was just not trying and was getting in the way of the good child her brother but that’s because I left out all the years I was thriving and I was the ‘good child’ whilst he was struggling and knew he was different and his brain wouldn’t work the same so he didn’t want to try, and yeah it sucked a bit that my brother got all the attention my there’s no one I love more than my brother and I know him and his behaviour better than anyone and I understood back then even when I was 8 he needed my parents more than me but that didn’t mean they loved one of us more or less. I would recommend you have a chat with your son sit him down and be honest, tell him how you only want the best for him that you know things are harder for him but that’s why you work so hard to help him and try to make me work hard in school and in sports because his life may be unfair at times because his brains unique and it needs him to try his hardest to focus. Tell him how you want all this for him so he can be happy so he can have a good life, a good job and a family and have a future full of possibilities, he might be only 6 but if he doesn’t try now it’ll be worse for the future. And also I don’t know if you have or not if not please have your daughter tested it doesn’t do any harm unless you don’t and leave it to get worse don’t dismiss that she could have ADD or ADHd because she doesn’t have the sterotypical symptoms of the same symptoms as her brother because me my brother don’t we both take different medication. ADD and ADHD is not a sign of bad parenting and it didn’t mean I was stupid like I thought, my brain is just special, unique, it works differently and needs a little extra help at times to allow me to reach my full potential and so does your sons please me patient all we children with ADD and ADHD ever want is to make our parents proud and to have their unconditional love because honestly I’d felt many times in the past I had to earn it because I’m a defect, a hassle to their life, please don’t do that to your son, he has ADD sure but he’s also just a kid

  • #58614

    gentlygenli
    Participant

    I have a friend who has a kid just like this. My oldest is different but is also the one that almost killed me because he’s smart but just impossible to motivate to do anything he doesn’t feel like doing. And I’ve had a few miserable, weepy nights where I wondered whether I was raising a sociopath because he just didn’t care about SO much. He was never cruel but he just didn’t care enough about anything or anyone to alter his behavior once he decided to do something–or, more often, not do it.

    First, drugs. Really. Drugs. The rewards are too distant to him and the consequences too minor compared to the psychic pain of attention, effort, and compliance. Drugs lowers the mental cost of obedience and raises the kid’s reward/consequence horizon. It also lets him focus better beyond himself, so he’s far less intensely selfish.

    No side effect of any drug is as damaging as what’s happening to him now, in his family and in his education and with any potential friends.

    Good luck! And don’t not go somewhere because he’s lost privileges. Just make him sit out. You’re right–your daughter shouldn’t be punished. Restrict how much you work with him to a certain period of time vs what you want to accomplish.

  • #58759

    adhd1234
    Participant

    I also have a 6 yr old son who is starting 1st grade. He was diagnosed in January with the hyperactive form of ADHD – I suspect he also has mild oppositional disorder that was missed when tested. Each day brings new challenges…I was afraid that he would get kicked out of kindergarten due to his behaviors but somehow we both survived. We have had challenges during summer camp but again we somehow have survived….and now onto the next grade. The next chapter of challenges. Last year – I had several long periods of time where I doubted that I should be his mother. Thoughts like: Maybe if he had a different mother, he would different. Maybe a different mother would do things different so he would be able to be “good” , “normal” , etc, etc. For us, medication has definitely helped but we are still trying to find the best one. He currently is on a non stimulant that helps his impulsive behavior and helps him stay out of trouble but with the side effect of falling asleep every afternoon. Not optimal but so much better than getting a phone call every day from the school or summer camp to discuss his behavior. He is also so much happier on medication because I can finally concentrate on the positive. Before medication, our relationship was horrible – full of negativity. Now that I understand where his behavior is coming from and that his behavior has improved (not perfect but so much better) – I am learning to love this child. I do feel isolated though as no one else has a child like this – this forum has been life changing – really opened my eyes that I am not alone. I have also had to ignore the “helpful” comments from family – they don’t understand ADHD so their solutions would only make things worse. I pray that your relationship with your son improves like mine has over the last few months – it is so hard to parent a child with ADHD and my son and I are both on a long up and down life journey! Sending you a virtual hug as I really understand!

  • #58865

    Rhodabike
    Participant

    Is there a reason why you’ve got him into organized sports at such a young age? If it’s for exercise, just take him to the park and let him play. Let him find his own choice of activity when he’s a bit older. Most 5 and 6 year olds don’t have the attention span for organized sports.

  • #63290

    eliz2112
    Participant

    Dear heritagemom11,
    I was so sorry to read your post, but I must admit, where I’ve felt the the same way. I think IF WE WERE REALLY HONEST AS PARENTS, we’ve all had those days. I struggled for years with deciding if I even wanted kids, then I have one with ADHD and ODD. Not. Fair. I know it’s no picnic for him either. So, I love him dearly and I do my best, but there are days I wonder if I’m really geared for this. I think many parents, especially moms, tend to be very judgmental of others if your entire life and sense of being does not revolve around your child. I personally find no joy in running my child to 10 different sporting events, especially if he doesn’t care about them. So you know what I do? Nothing! He plays in the back yard with a ball and is forced to use his imagination, just like I did as a child, and he’s just fine. And if someone wants to judge me for it, I really don’t care. I do my best, but I too, am human.

  • #63457

    Millysmom
    Participant

    I could have written a different version of this about my 11 year old daughter. ADHD is isolating as a parent, it is heartbreaking and thankless and people do not understand it at all. I want to give up almost daily, but my mantra is “it’s not her fault.” Some days it makes me feel better, some days I forget it. I just want to offer support and hugs and tell you that you are not alone.

  • #63529

    carlandrea
    Participant

    I hope your child never, becoming curious about their symptoms, stumbles onto this site. I hope they never, reading the discussion forums, see what I’m seeing now: that their mother hates them, that they’re a burden, and even though they are trying as hard as they can, they will never be good enough. And then they will curl up in a ball on the couch and sob, because they love you, and they don’t want to hurt you

  • #63531

    eliz2112
    Participant

    Hi Carlandrea,
    I think if you read through her comments she later says that she was having a bad day. I think we as ADHD mommas have our moments, I know I do. It’s not what we signed up for, and it’s really, REALLY hard. I hope to God my son never knows what runs through my mind. I know it’s not his fault, but it doesn’t change the harsh reality of the day-in day-out. This morning my 9 year old son told my husband to go f*** himself because it was time to get dressed for school and he didn’t want to. That happens daily in our house, and we do therapy, medication, and everything in between and have for years. I put everything into my son and that’s what comes out.

  • #75711

    Wingbuffet
    Participant

    … So just saying, everyone, this is not the post you want at the top of your forums. As a scared recently diagnosed ADD person it was a terrible shock to my system to see when I came here for help.

    OP, I see a lot of people have tried giving you comfort in your moment of weakness. Your feelings are valid, sure, but that doesn’t stop then from being crappy feelings.

    I mean, ‘it’s basically like downs syndrome’? ‘Nobody wants a child with special needs’? And ya’all are helping throw her a pity party? This isn’t a bad day, this is a -mentality-, and a toxic one.
    Your son is 6. It’s a long road ahead. You need to do better.

    • #75716

      heritagemom11
      Participant

      You are scared of your add diagnosis? Lol. You are the same person you have always been. You didn’t get diagnosed with cancer.

      I posted this last year so not sure why you are replying. I have worked on my attitude toward my son a lor this last year and have had some success with his new medication. I don’t need help. Talk therapy is useless anyways. Yes I was having a bad day when I posted this and would never say anything to my son. Unless you are raising a kid with Adhd you should probably not reply. Thanks though, and good luck with your scary diagnosis.

  • #75810

    Ntjhu
    Participant

    I was an ADHD child and I have to say I had to know the person who was trying to reach me loved me! I mean really loved me! You are tired, he knows you are having problems of your own, for whatever reason he cannot does not trust you. You will not be able to motivate him. I never knew as a child that what I was doing was reading people but I was. He is. ADHDers know when you are not happy with us so we are never going to trust you, please do all you can to give him a reason to trust you. Believe him, even when you’re not sure, say good things about him when he can here. You will see him open up to you, share with you, trust you.

    • #76238

      grumblybear
      Participant

      I am very late to this thread but must say I found it when I was looking for some support myself. My almost 13 y.o. son also has AHDH/ODD -both to the extreme- and I have been feeling pretty much exactly like Heritagemom, the original poster. I find very few other parents, friends, coworkers and even some of the professionals we see really get how I’M feeling and how #1 son’s behaviors affect the his younger brother. Other than the disinterest in sports for the poster’s son (my son will try most any sport), I could’ve written this exact same post. My son’s behavior has affected my marriage, his brother’s life (because we’re stuck at home, or because now little brother is choosing to copy some of big brother’s choices); extended family and neighbor relations, and more. His grandparents and other family are great at saying what they would do if they were parenting, and truth be told I’d love to hand him over and let them give it a try, but no one’s really offered to do that! THEY HAVE NO IDEA!!!

      We have been in therapy all individually and as a family since he was 6y.o. He has been on multiple different medicines or combinations of medicines. We have had what feels like only a few successes and lots of ‘failures.’ As another poster put, I do worry EVERY SINGLE DAY if my son will become a sociopath. And it doesn’t help for people to say “it’s developmental” as if he will necessarily overcome this, because in truth, he may not. We know that kids with ODD often do “develop” into adults with anti-social personality disorder and all that goes with it. I wish someone could tell me that magic thing to steer him down one path vs. the other, but I know that doesn’t exist.

      I don’t have any more resolution to what ails me/us after combing through this post, but it DOES help to know there are others out there dealing with it as well and who can understand – TRULY UNDERSTAND. So I say don’t berate people for posting their honest issues/emotions because they are seeking support, and in so doing, they may also be supporting others. If it’s not your own individual situation, or if you read a post and say, “How could you say/do…?” why not stop and think, “Oh wow! That must be difficult. I can’t say I understand but I can listen without judging.”

  • #75885

    heritagemom11
    Participant

    Makes sense

  • #75985

    TerrenceWelsch
    Participant

    I understand your frustration and you deserve a safe sspace to speak about it where you wont have jsegment cast on you. A child who won’t try can be soul crushing, but I think what is needed here is finding something he’s inherently passionate shot and investing completely in that rather than planning to just let him fail at everything

  • #75998

    desperatemum88
    Participant

    Can someone please help me, my son has just been diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and he’s 5 years old so can’t be treated till he’s 6. I am a single mum with zero help and have a daughter too. He’s doesn’t see his dad and no family or friends will help because he’s too much to handle. I love him to pieces, I am just struggling to deal with/cope with his behaviour. I am also doing a degree as well. He’s my gorgeous little boy and I want to help him and support him but the stress and difficulty of dealing with him is making me ill and I don’t know how to handle him. I’m getting nose bleeds, migraines, depression etc all due to the stress but I don’t know how to help him. Anybody got any suggestions? He’s my world xx

  • #76155

    krista
    Participant

    I can feel your frustration just coming through the pages “computer screen” of this post. It is hard to read what you have written, as the language is very rejecting of your child who is struggling, however it is important that we as a community not shame this Mom. I am a special needs advocate and I work with families of children with ADHD, parents with ADHD and I even have members of my immediate family with ADHD. I want you to understand that this is a neurological disorder and that it IS NOT laziness. While ADHD should not be an excuse for failure in life, your young son needs to be taught strategies to manage his ADHD and you need to be taught by a professional counselor who is an EXPERT on ADHD how to handle your sons behaviors. Sometimes simple changes to the language that we use with children, makes HUGE differences. Your son is likely giving up and displaying lazy characteristics because of a deep fear of failure. ADHD has many degrees to it and levels to it and while you overcome yours, he might need more support than you did. Perhaps his ADHD is more severe. I don’t know but I do know this, children don’t choose to be bad, rejected and fail. They deeply want to succeed and need help getting there. I would suggest the following strategies…
    – consult with a parent advisor/behavior specialist/therapist – someone who has specific skills in working with complex children
    – USE Positive Behavioral Strategies and make sure that the school is as well. It’s imperative that everyone is on the same page in how they respond to him.
    Has the school developed a Behavior Intervention Plan? They should have by now!
    – consider dietary changes and hidden allergies- children with ADHD tend to be more sensitive to processed sugar, gluten and dairy
    – schedule after school activities that are child led- make sure he has a great interest in them and that he is on board
    – change your response to him. A reactive BIG response triggers a reactive response from him. Anger ignites more anger. Be firm but be calm in your instructions. Remember that we cannot change a child’s behavior before we change our own. That is why the behavior plans dictate how the parent with interact and respond to the child.

    I hope everything will improve. Not matter what he is the son that you are given and he will always be your son. Right now he needs your support more than ever.

    Krista Barth
    http://www.myeducationalsolutions.com
    info@myeducationalsolutions.com

  • #89063

    traney1
    Participant

    I can totally empathize. I have an ADHD, ODD daughter. Let me preface this by saying that I know that ADD etc is over diagnosed etc..so being in the military, they are *very* thorough when diagnosing due to the nature of the drugs that treat it. I am ADD, and went through a battery of tests for this very reason.

    To the people calling heritagemom11 out for her post, you shouldn’t. She was being completely honest in her feelings in an effort to seek help. I am a lot like her. I have a daughter I love, but is lazy. She competes in all star cheerleading and wants to be on these great teams, but when the time comes to put the effort in…stretching, self practicing etc…she fights us tooth and nail. She wants to do all these things with little to no effort on her part. I’ve butted heads with her numerous times over this, even tonight. The only reason I don’t pull the trigger on stopping cheer is my wife. She (and I to some degree) have spent so much time, effort and $$ to get her to where she is, to stop it would be a waste in our goofed up thought process.

    Where I applaud heritagemom11 is she found the fortitude to stop assisting her child (though 1st grade is somewhat early). I was campaigning for this during my daughters 8th grade year. My reasoning was “let her try this year on her own. If she fails, she’ll see what its like not to have Mom or Dad there to push her / bail her out all the time”. My wife, being a teacher, can’t do it though…she cant see any child fail, let alone her own. I argued that 8th was the perfect grade since colleges really only look at 9-12. I feel like this is going to be a problem it the future.

    I’m ADD, successful in the US Navy. Made Chief Petty Officer and have overcome many obstacles ADD threw at me. Sure, Ritalin helps, but a good bit is my mind over matter and common sense. I worry my daughter is going to struggle worse than I, even though she is far more intelligent school wise when she applies herself.

    So to the OP…thank you for being honest..don’t let naysayers call you out on your feelings. You’re trying to be as honest as you can so you can get the right help.

    I know for me, I am so irritated all the time by the immaturity that ADHD causes that I battle with my daughter more than I should. I feel like she thinks I dont love her enough, or I say “no” all the time…but I try to remember that she still gravitates to me a lot, and that perhaps I’m providing some structure that she secretly / subconsciously craves. I dont know…

  • #90333

    Kalapattar5
    Participant

    Wow, amazing post and amazing thread.

    May I chime in a bit late?

    I have one child – a son, now 8 years old. He is ADHD and dyslexia, and he had a speech delay. He is also extremely bright.

    I have a few thoughts. First, the OP was brave to post her true feelings. She is to be commended for doing so in the right forum.

    Secondly, we as a society force children at younger and younger ages to excel at organized stuff: learning, sports, etc. Many are not ready for this. I live in California, and kindergarten is not mandatory; it is optional. But, all the parents seem to see it as a badge of honor. Yeah,”get my kid in early to prove he’s a genius!” And, my son’s kindergarten expected him to learn to read at that early age. And, they gave the kindergartners homework. Yes….homework every day.

    It was this experience that first lead me to believe my son had dyslexia. Many children with ADHD have co-morbid conditions, and I don’t mean OPP. My son was keenly aware that he couldn’t do what his classmates could…recognize phenomes. He was embarrassed and humiliated. The teacher exacerbated the negative feelings by putting him at a desk by himself facing the wall in a corner to “do his work.” Of course he acted out.

    Kids have feelings, and many times those feelings are very intense. If the OP’s son has co-morbid issues such as dyslexia, the ability to constructively express those feelings is severely hampered.

    I have three suggestions for the OP. I hope one or all will be helpful.

    1. Find a medical doctor with a specialty in childhood developmental disorders. Medications do work, but they must be managed carefully. They are stimulants. They are regulated by the government for a reason. But, my son has had many positive changes from taking them. Oh, and by the way, it’s a process. You don’t simply give a pill and see a miracle. The meds need to be fine tuned at all times.

    2. Find an attorney with a specialty in special education laws. Once the child turns three, the school district must – MUST – provide education and therapies to address learning disabilities free of charge to the parents (who pay for it through taxes). You need to consult with an attorney because many school districts want to avoid the costs of providing a “free and appropriate education,” although the laws require it. An attorney will help, because if you ask for accommodations that are appropriate, and the school denies them, the school must pay YOUR attorney fees if you prevail at a hearing. But, it’s best to consult with an attorney first to set up the right circumstances.

    3. Get educated on special education laws. You WILL need to be assertive with the school. Many will try maneuvers to force a difficult child out into a “special school” rather than provide the right education. This happens frequently at the earliest years…kindergarten, first grade, second grade. You are up against “child find laws.” My son’s school has been known to call the police on kindergartners to get “documentation” of a problem child. Yes, kindergartners.

    Finally and lastly have hope!!!!!!!

    My son has done well on meds. He is taking a break this summer from them, and I am truly amazed at his progress. Kids do grow up. You will see progress.

    I was a straight A student and well behaved. I certainly didn’t expect a child that presented extra challenges. My experience is that you are currently in the worst of the storm, but with a little extra attention now, you will see the payoff in a very short time.

    Bless you!

  • #90850

    Knitwit555
    Participant

    I really needed to read this. Sending you a virtual hug. I couldn’t have kids but wanted them so badly so we adopted our son from an orphanage at age 3.5. He was developmentally delayed of course and didn’t know our language but this was to be expected. I worked with him constantly but it was clear something else was going on aside from his adoption needs and hearing issues. He was diagnosed with adhd at age 5. I gave up my career to homeschool him because school was a diaster. It has been really hard but we put him on meds and started to see improvement and i started to get encouraged. Then (he’s 7 now) he outgrew that medication and we are having to go to stimulants. We are trying the first one and its been a nightmare. He is manic and crying and not sleeping. He had made some homeschool friends but now they dont want to play with him because he is acting weird and he doesnt understand why. Our elderly dog just passed away and he is having a hard time with the loss of his best friend. And now husband has started making snide comments again about how he is a lost cause and i should just put him “on the short bus” and get back to the career i quit and stop wasting my valuable time. He also makes a point to say this is why he was hesitant to adopt because we got a “dud”. This smarts especially because i am adopted too.I am heartbroken. I love my son so much and i dont know what else to do. And its so hard to smile and nod when all your family and friends constantly spend time telling you all about their kids superstar qualities and you’re like my kids kindergarten teacher told me on his 4th day that he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the other kids and i should be prepared for him to fail. I just feel despair. I wish everyone else could see the potential i see in him and not just catolog all his faults. Yes i know hes not like the other kids his age. Yes i noticed he is really hyper. No i dont feel him constant sugar. Yes i do take him for physical activity to get his energy out. I just feel so isolated so thank you for being brave to talk about this issue. Ps. You are a great mom!

  • #91008

    nessy
    Participant

    OP, just wanted to say I feel you! I’m ADHD Inattentive and have 2 ADHD girls- one is combined and one is Inattentive. Hubby is also ADHD Inattentive (neither of us knew- it wasn’t until we had been married, had 2 kids and then realized ours seemed difficult to handle, like really difficult, that we got the oldest tested, then hubby got tested, I thought I was normal but just lazy, procrastinating, poor time management, poor organization, poor follow-thru (you see where I’m going with this haha). This family is like a perfect storm of chaos and most days I feel like I’m drowning. Getting help and therapy is taking forever because of all the insurance hoops you have to jump through which means no one is medicated which means most days death seems like a vacation- albeit a permanent one but I’m so taxed on my own resources that I’m fully content in that permanent vacation because that’s how bad I struggle everyday.

    I wish I could be the mom I envisioned. But aside from lacking skills to parent two difficult/high needs children, plus battling with my own ADHD, I just can’t. And help can’t come fast enough. I’m human. So are you. I don’t care what judgemental comment comes across here- you’re venting and you’re human, it’s ok. You have a right to feel your feelings, because you’re in the trenches every day!!! I feel you. I’m right there with you. I know you’re trying, I know you want to quit. I also know you’re a fighter and will keep going. Hang in there and thanks for having the courage to say what you’ve said.

  • #91069

    nessy
    Participant

    Oops.. just realized how old this thread was. Lol

  • #92447

    A-Hörnchen
    Participant

    Dear heritagemom, instead oft joining the choir esinging the known songs together I thought to act in a more constructive manner:

    With regards to this, the one civil advice I have for you right now- as sad as I am to have to admit to this kind of thinking as a devoted servant of Almighty God (Allah = al Ilah = die Gottheit/der Gott {neutrales Nomen/Substantiv} ’cause of “brain paralysis”.

    PlPlease, seek out treatment for your apparent •npd• ( Google the term if you musst for I cannot in good conciounce do °this° job (for you…).
    yI ASK YOU- as a fellow human being, a potential brother – please, at the very least give your offspring a chance! No need for further care for them! String, stabile Familie can and are VERY EAGER to do just that!

    Be the first one oft your ” mischpokha”, your “Clan”. Be the original hero oft your shattered Family!! Break the viscious cycle! Break the darn thing,dear lady!

    Your reward will be the promised “godly reward” to Start with, off course. But then! … !? …

    You would be able to enjoy true peace of mind + soul. You’ll be THE firsthand witness for your childrens’ very LAST moments oft the OLD WORLD ORDER (spiritually!)

    Free at last, free at last, thank God,we’re FREE AT LAST!! The history of violence within your family is finally OVER!

  • #92460

    martyjoy
    Participant

    It really hurts. It hurts me too. I think you’re doing a great job. Your commitment will not go to waste. And your pain is totally understandable.

  • #101063

    I feel the same way you do, i cant stand my own child. He has adhd and i hold so much resentment towards him. Your not a bad mom, your a good mom who is stressed. If i went on to tell you how i truely felt im sure I would be the next one getting all the hate messages. Hang in there. Your NOT alone.

  • #101384

    swimmom18
    Participant

    I’m sure it’s something I have wrong with me. Since my daughter became a teenager in May, I can’t stand being a mother. The constant arguing and bitchiness is on my last nerve. I shouldn’t feel relief when she’s at school, swim practice/meets or with my ex. I should love spending time with her yet I feel relief. When she screams that I’m the meanest mom in the world, I actually find myself agreeing with her. When she tells me she wants to go live with my ex, I find myself thinking that that would be a major relief. How do I overcome my frusterations? I don’t really want her to leave and I don’t want to feel like a crazy person for hating being a mother. I do love her and would be lost without her.

  • #101441

    grumblybear
    Participant

    Swimmom18,

    I feel you! I TRIED to have a nice Fall Break getaway with my 2 boys (13/9) at a state park. It was a disaster, and we cut it short. Both have ADHD, but the oldest also has severe ODD. He is at war with me CONSTANTLY! (He craves power). For us also it’s like a switch flipped late last May (shortly after turning 13), and he’s become intolerable – and I mean that literally. He overpowers his brother a lot too, and they have a hot/cold relationship depending on if he manages to be kind for a while or a domineering jerk. Unfortunately I see his brother trying on his tricks, and I’m beginning to resent him too. (He’s still more maleable though, and I find myself coming down hard on him because I don’t want him to become more insolent like his older brother).

    While we were gone this week, I met a mom of 2 boys 11 & 15, and she and I had this exact conversation about our 2 teens: how we don’t really like them a lot of the time and how we feel badly saying it out loud. She was so appreciative though to hear me say it too and to not feel she was alone in this. (I don’t know about her kid or if he has any diagnosis or is just a typical teen).

    I have no answers (clearly), but know that you’re NOT the only one who feels this way.

    • This reply was modified 2 days, 11 hours ago by  grumblybear.

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.