Walking disaster

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    • #57149
      defective
      Participant

      “Open mouth, insert foot” is an unfortunate way of life for me. My targets vary from friends, to neighbors, to coworkers, to my spouse. Often times it is my spouse who bears the brunt of this even if indirectly. For example, she worries about my how my impulsivity reflects on her and our kids, so if I’m not offending her directly, I’m feeling the heat because she’s concerned about the things I might say to others. Needless to say, I mess up a lot and she ends up carrying a lot of stress and frustration because of it.

      I generally hate and avoid talking with anyone out of fear of saying too much or not enough. I feel my only true interests are politics, current events, and cars so you can see how easy it is for me to get in trouble and when I do I enter a downward spiral of emotion and depression. I’m trying to disconnect from the news in the hopes that I don’t see anything that will make me want to voice an opinion but at the same time, I like to be connected because I feel it’s important to be a citizen of the world and knowledge of what’s happening and why can help us solve our collective problems.

      At the moment, I’m ruminating over my last outburst and subsequent argument with my spouse, so here I am. Is this just another impulse? For now, I’m hoping that putting this out on this forum will help me feel better but I guess that’s the root of all impulsive outbursts right? So what’s the solution? Bottle up the outburst? Let it fester into something else or let it out and deal with the consequences?

    • #57174
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      Unfortunately, you’re not alone in this. Lots of folks with ADHD struggle with impulsivity and/or social awkwardness in this way. I’ll paste below a couple articles with strategies you may find useful:

      Open Mouth, Insert Foot

      Stop Shooting Yourself in the Foot

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

    • #57284
      kakowskey
      Participant

      I have a similar issue with my spouse, and for me my problem is I’m also scared of conflict so instead of talking through a problem I fester and then explode. And what makes that even worse is when my spouse has done something wrong, my exploding takes attention away from that problem.

      I am still trying to work through how to handle this.

    • #57307
      Anthonytg
      Participant

      Do you do any type of cbt therapy? A really big thing for me as of late has been acknowledging my emotions in the moment, but trying to understand them within my ADHD. Meaning, I may feel or perceive rejection from my partner, which triggers a range of emotions and potentially vindictive responses. I instead try and not react to this emotion. Because I know that this sensitivity stems from my ADHD. But also, I have a truly amazing partner who supports me in every way imaginable. And she actively tries to work with me through these things. Some of that means she reframes how she will present things to me.
      ADHD in a relationship is a 2 person battle. Both partners need to be invested in making changes and working to be effective for one another.
      She understands how I can be triggered by otherwise small things, so she remains conscious of that. She understands how my hyperfocus and exhaustion with certain tasks presents, so she no longer feels like I’m intentionally ignoring her or like she doesn’t matter, because it’s more complex than that. She no longer takes it personally, because she understands it’s not about her.
      But because she’s so great and working with me. I need to work with her as well. I may slip up and get frustrated with her because my brain told me I wasn’t good enough, when in reality, it was merely perception and not what she’d actually told me. I have to make sure that I’m not using my diagnosis as an excuse for doing that to her. I need to apologize. And more importantly, I need to communicate in the moment about how I’m feeling. She trusts and respects how ADHD effects me, so I can tell her how what she said (while telling her I understand it’s simply my brains perception and not reality) has caused me to feel. We’re able to talk about it, and use that to try and reframe future interactions.

      Moral of this story is that open and honest communication is super effective. As well as 2 partners who are willing to both work at it, while accepting that you’ll both make some mistakes along the way.

    • #58599
      gentlygenli
      Participant

      Never talk politics outside the family if you struggle with impulsiveness. Never.

      Ask people questions about themselves and their work of you don’t know what to say.

      • This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by gentlygenli.
    • #58882
      51illusions
      Participant

      We BOTH go to cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) both individually and as a couple. Your wife needs to learn that, although she loves you, she is NOT RESPONSIBLE for your words and actions, you ARE. That is a very hard lesson for a spouse, parent, sibling, sibling, or other loved one to accept about those of us with mental disorders or those with addictions. The best support organizations to learn those techniques (and don’t be surprised because they have been around the longest just for this reason!) is Al-Anon. Even though the program was founded in the environment of the alcoholic family, the premise of program concentrates on ability to be able love your family member or other significant member without controlling the situations or the outcomes which take place in their life. It is a great place to go to learn how to love in such a manner without all the stress you wife seems to be experiencing thinking she somehow has to control the situation. You should be considering the implications on your family and look for appropriate forums if you feel a need to vent your opinions on subjects of particular interest (There are plenty online!) Only you can make a decision to make changes about your behavior if affects the emotional well-being of those around you and therapy is an ideal place to start. I have used 12 Step programs and CBT both and they have greatly strengthened my family relationships and communication skills

    • #58986
      adhdfabulous
      Participant

      Hi, I spent decades putting my foot in my mouth, I discovered I had ADHD last year & went to work immediately: After collecting personal data on various Amino Acids (as per Dr. Daniel Amen) over the last 8 months I have found that True Calm from Now Foods has helped me to almost completely stop being impulsive in ways that are detrimental. I’ve also noticed neural pathways including positivity and planning ahead being created with consistent use over this period (from GABA particularly) that were non-existent prior to amino acid supplementation. (Another individual I know has found success with Pulsatilla 30x for impulsivity.) The thing is, if you want help, there must be a solution for you! None of us should just roll over and play dead to the ADHD symptoms… we CAN heal. The best part I’ve noticed is with the blend I’m taking, I’m still spontaneous & being myself, but the weird stuff, the out of control stuff is no longer an issue. I know your pain and this change for me is in & of itself a miracle, as I’m sure you understand & agree. Don’t give up hope. You can find a way past this.

    • #58987
      adhdfabulous
      Participant

      Oh, and, YOU ARE NOT DEFECTIVE. My ADHD motto is: no shame, no blame, be kind. There is no truth where there is no love. Love you first & all else that’s worthwhile will stem from there. There is no amount of self-torture that will ever engender the response you want. Stop kicking your own A– and start kicking a– by telling the ADD to shove it and being happy anyway! You deserve to be happy, but only you can give yourself that gift. You’re worth fighting for — we all are.

    • #58992
      sismarie
      Participant

      I think as we get older we realize that our ADD is a two-edged sword. I do the same “blurting” stuff as you. Sometimes I end up castigating myself in my mind and feeling down about it. But, at other times it is a strength because sometimes issues need addressed and you have the guts to do it -and thus get the ball rolling! I suggest sitting back and taking a look…when has this behavior been a strength for you…even a gift? You could then change your profile name from “defective” to something more TRUE and positive…like, “gifted!”

    • #59383
      defective
      Participant

      Thank you all for the advice and encouragement. I’m working on getting in with a psychiatrist who can help. I was diagnosed at 12 but went untreated until being prescribed Adderall about 2 years ago. I’ve never worked with a mental health specialist since my ADHD diagnosis. The Adderall helps but I’ve come to realize I need more than that. My original post above is just one of my struggles. I have 3 sons and the oldest of which also has ADHD. If you’re on the outside looking in, you’d think this should help but while I understand his struggles, I struggle with parenting him the right way. I’m constantly second guessing how to handle each situation he throws at me and an 8 year old with ADHD doesn’t allow time to consider all options and pick the right one. My wife gets mad because I oscillate between being too harsh on him to being too soft. She’s right about that; I really don’t have an “in-between” area.

      I hope I can get in with a therapist who can talk to all of us at some point because this definitely seems like a group effort.

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