January 6, 2019 at 8:40 am #106236egalewParticipant
In 7th grade my ADHD/LD daughter, who has struggled socially her entire life, finally — I thought — made a friend. The girl, however, promptly dumped her this school year for the popular girl and it’s absolutely killing my daughter. It’s a very, very small school and they two girls are quite demonstrative about and their friendship, both in school and on social media.
In truth, they’re classic mean girls and I’m shocked by the things they have said and done to my daughter, most of which is nasty, snide remarks coupled with deliberately excluding her from their activities. Then, when she asks why, they give some bogus excuse of “I forgot” or “Joking!”
Hence, all through X-mas break (16 days) I had a tween in a small apartment, bored silly, constantly checking social media to see what her former BFF is doing and then in angst reporting it to me. I’ve told her to delete accounts, stop looking, etc. I’ve also given her countless pep talks and delivered the “this too shall pass” speech until I’m blue in the face. I compare the situation to the woman whose cheating ex-husband takes up with the neighbor and every day you’re reminded of what was.
Back story: I’ve tried everything to help my daughter socially. Enrolled her in countless activities/camps, invited friends with kids over, had b-day parties.
She’s a friendly, outgoing and she so wants to be apart of the group; however, to my own sadness, the “friend” thing hasn’t clicked. Observing it from afar and close is emotionally draining and at times devastating.
I tried to supplement her lack of friends with our own things (e.g., movies, museums, volunteer work, etc.) The reality is I’m a single mom. I work from home. I need a break and I can’t be her “entertainment” director. (Often she wakes up and says to me, “What on the agenda for today?”)
Yesterday, feeling absolutely drained from my daughter’s ADHD and this friend thing, I finally had enough, and curled up in my bedroom binging watching on crap yesterday.
This is a long vent. I guess my question is why do I stop doing? How do I take care of myself in this mess?
- This topic was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by egalew.
January 7, 2019 at 9:38 am #106275Penny WilliamsKeymaster
It’s super-hard to be a middle-schooler, and doubly so when you have ADHD and struggle socially. She will find her tribe, it just often comes later. My son didn’t make a real friend until 8th grade. He joined robotics club after school and found his tribe. Three years later they are still good friends (4 boys). I think it’s tougher for girls, because they are so much more dramatic typically. When my daughter was in middle school, most of her friends were boys — she said that was because she had no interest in girl drama.
Keep offering activities she’s interested in and she will eventually discover her tribe.
This article is geared toward teens, but many of the tips are applicable for tweens too:
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
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