October 14, 2019 at 1:22 am #131201
Married 30 something years. I didn’t know why my husband did the things he did until 4 years ago when my teen son was finally diagnosed. All of my energy went into getting my son through HS, [raised 4 others previously, by myself, except the money factor. I know this is an important factor, I’m not single and I “should be thankful, blablabla”. My son is now graduated, he has severe ADHD and Autism Spectrum etc. I still have ALL of the planning, wondering, equipping, brainstorming for our son’s future on my shoulders. All my husband could come up with afer “thinking about it for days”, was for our son to go on disability! My husband NEVER, and I mean never asks a question about the process, [presumably so he doesn’t have to be involved, but who knows. When I bring up what I think he is thinking or WHY he is doing this or that, I’m WRONG] Apparently there are no REASONS, and if there are no reasons there will be no answers, EVER!
My husband NEVER speaks to me or brings up planning ANYTHING,[ he never has, it’s not just that I’m a nag and this has been the last 10 or even 20 years], not for the present or future, like retirement. So I go it alone as usual behind the scenes, no one to plan with, bounce things off of, NOTHING! It’s his retirement also, mostly, in fact, because I have raised and educated all of our kids and did not work for money. Does he care?? Who knows!
Just trying to get information from him about his 401k or SS is excruciating, like most other things. He is not a partner, he is a child that I tell what do and bring up ALL life matters that he is either defensive of, [because hes not proactive] or feels sorry for himself, clams up and goes further into his isolation, and I into mine.
I finally, [after planning on my own for a year], reminded him twice and asked him to pick a time he would make an account online for his SS, [I came close to doing it for him and said: “NO”, to myself, “not one more time”. He created an account. Later he told me, ” I created a SS acct online” THATS IT! I tried to keep it light and pretended to pull a rope, like [I’m pulling more info out of him]. Mind you, I have been waiting a year for him to be proactive and he didn’t. He stared at me like he had no idea what to say.
THEN he says, “I created an account!” Three times…in regard to me “pulling the rope”.
I said, “you made the account and didn’t look at any figures”, [quizzically, albeit frustrated, as usual]
I say, ” you don’t want to know how much less you will receive from SS right now or in two years as opposed to 67 years or anything?
He says angrily, ” I will get like $700 less now than later”
I say, “so you did look at some figures”
He curses at me and turns over to go to sleep.
He says, ” I can’t remember every little detail!”
Every little detail? I got, “I created an account”. That lovely non-communication took all the energy I had left for the day.
Crazy making conversations happen all day on weekends when he’s home. That coupled with my son and I am screaming inside and leave the house often.
I am now hopeless that anything will ever change. Husband has never taken responsibility for his part, ADHD, doesn’t read anything, learn about himself and how things could change. I purchased the ADHD Marriage book on audio for him and I, explained to him it wasn’t just him but we both working together, that I hoped he would listen and we could discuss each chapter. [this was my last hope]. He told me that he listened to part or whole of 1 chapter. He NEVER elaborates or begins a discussion. THATS ALL THERE IS! I don’t have the energy anymore at 50 something, and raising/educating 5 children for 25 years to push, pull and shove my husband into conversations that “May” help us get to the issues at hand so that we can even begin to solve any of them.
I’m tired and done. I just need to find out how to live “around” all of this, because divorce is not an option financially. I literally don’t know just how. How to live in the same house as my husband without going insane and being angry pretty much every weekend.
Yes, I’m very angry, please don’t respond with one more thing I can do to “Help’ my husband. I’ve tried every approach, word picture, suggestion, to “help” him. He will not budge, and would probably like to live apart from me also, although I don’t know how the bills would ever be paid. I gave him the bills twice in our lives after babies were born and I was left, running out and begging the electric or water guy to not turn off our utility,[there was sufficient money in the bank] and many more such dealings. I had to take paying the bills back, of course.
Yes, this is a rant. Maybe someone will identify or be warned!
October 14, 2019 at 11:21 am #131252
OMG woman, I know where you are at. I have ADHD and so does my live in boyfriend. I work on making thing better. Improving myself. I have all the disorganised issue and try my best to make this relationship work. HHe will not admit he even has ADHD and doesn’t try to make things work. If I try to have discussions he reacts with anger to shut me up. It is so frustrating and I feel so alone. The financial thing is keeping me here with him. I am walking around angry all the time and feel like I am loosing my mind. I came to the desision to work on myself. Get my life in order and work on how to survive without him. I have to distance myself emotionally and know that I can not change him no matter what I do. It may take some time but if I keep working towards taking care of myself on my own someday I will be strong enough to not care what he does or even if I need to be living in the same house as him. Be the strong woman you know you are are and plan for an independent happy rest of your life.
October 16, 2019 at 11:13 pm #131601
Hi there,im not sure if anyone will answer but im at breaking point and family and friends have no idea how to help me.. i have adhd and take my medication and do everything in my power to be a good mother and wife, we have 4 children and my husband works extremely long hours running his own business that im not aloud to be involved in. He says he makes alot of money but we are constantly broke! He controls all finances and i have to ask him for money otherwise my card will decline, he says we can afford things and buys them but doesnt factor in groccery money or medication. When ever i comunicate with him it is a massive fight screaming yelling and name calling, i go to bed so upset then the next day he acts like nothing ever happened and i should get over it or else there will be another fight. I am 37 and lived with this situation for 17 years im so lonely and isolated, i have no friends i have no time to myself its like im tied up but when i ask for help he says he cant help me and we cannot afford help. Im sure he has undiagnosed adhd but he refuses to look at himself its always me and everybody else, i bring up separation and he threatens to destroy me if i leave. How do i deal with this situation. Children are 8 and 9 both have adhd one has autism plus a 1 and 2 year old
October 18, 2019 at 2:39 pm #131611
Fedup I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I would recommend counseling for you, so you can talk frankly and at length with someone about your situation and perhaps learn what options you really have going forward. Does your son have services outside of school with an ARC type agency? Even if he doesn’t currently they might be able to help you explore options.
Don’t concern yourself with “helping” your husband. It should be all about you, how you can cope and plan for your future, regardless of whether you stay with your husband or you leave.
RPGW sweetheart, you are in an abusive relationship. Don’t kid yourself, my husband runs the money because its his jam. I don’t have to ask for money ever. Sure we have the odd stupid fight, but then one of us sees reason and it does vary who lets go.
Look for your local “Stop Domestic Violence” project and they will hook you up with counseling support and information. If you do couples counseling and he makes it all about you, STOP, full stop with couples counseling. Just get your own counseling and support. Two places to start
You don’t need to be ready to leave and you don’t have to be beaten to be abused and contact these folks. Financial abuse is domestic abuse!
I’m sorry this is happening to you.
November 17, 2019 at 4:33 pm #134667
I literally felt sick reading your post.
It’s everything ADHD is and there is no change or cure for this type of behaviour.
Quite simply we live together and build separate lives or leave.
It’s just draining.
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