Two people with ADHD in relationship

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  RagingADHD 4 weeks ago.

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  • #106905

    dprophet
    Participant

    I brought my girlfriends son to be seen for ADHD after he pretty much complained about having it and how hard school was for him… After a few weeks with the doctor they said he had ADHD but I realized something while I was in the office listing to the questions. I have never read a book… I will stop listening to people.. I procrastinate on task that might be hard. I left high school in 10th grade because I thought I was dumb… my friend told me I was super hyper in school… so on so forth.. so I got tested and about a month later my doctor told me I have a moderate case of ADD.

    I started taking Adderall and I immediately saw the change in everything from work too just calming down and not getting easily agitated. My GF even said that she finds it easier to talk with me and our arguing which was daily is now monthly. I realized that many of the arguments I started by asking her why she wouldn’t do things which I felt she should do and I would fixate on constantly. Once I started taking adderal I stopped thinking so much about things.

    Anyways… She has also been diagnose as ADHD which was a no brainier to me living with her… She is constantly on the go doing several things and forgetting everything all the time. She has a habit of asking me about something and I will reply and she just keeps repeating the questioning until I get aggravated and this brings on an argument/ I realized the reason we haven’t been arguing as much is because I don’t do this anymore because I don’t think about a bunch of nonsense. Anyways I told her that sense I have received proper medication for ADD she stated how easy it is to communicate and I am not as argumentative so how does she think it makes me feel that she refuses to attempt to even find some sort of treatment.

    I was off my adderall for a few weeks and she wanted me back on it so I don’t think its fair that her sorry for the verbiage crazy is ok if she wants mine contained. I am venting but was wondering is it fair for me to expect her to a least attempt to try some medication the constant go go go go and i’m thinking about this than that.. I’m bored lets do this and that is kind of too much…

    • This topic was modified 1 month ago by  dprophet.
    • This topic was modified 1 month ago by  dprophet.
    • This topic was modified 1 month ago by  ADHDmomma.
    • This topic was modified 1 month ago by  ADHDmomma.
  • #107221

    africainmyheart
    Participant

    I don’t have this situation at home. However, it’s funny that I can clearly see the effects of medication on my teen son. I see how it softens his harsh reactions, reduces his complaining, helps him interact socially, smooths his thoughts and lessens his general chaos. I also have ADHD, and when medicated properly I get better in those areas. Yet medication is tricky. Blood pressure, spiritual insight, personality changes, stomach issues, side-effects. It’s so tricky to know how much I change from within myself.

    I don’t think as an adult we have the right to tell someone they must medicate. Yet, I have a dear friend whose mom had bi-polar, but would never treat. For about two years her mom tried to quit smoking and used a medication to quit smoking that also treated bi-polar. My friend said those were the best two years of her entire relationship with her mom. That is one reason I may take medication breaks, but I won’t give up seeking help for my ADHD.

    There is a book called “My Brain Needs Glasses” for kids and I think one called “My brain still needs glasses” for adults. Maybe if you seek some guidance from a therapist for adhd help and read some books you can share your insight with your girlfriend. People usually need to be brought to a point of decision—but they must decide on their own.

    Best wishes for a peaceful relationship.

  • #107244

    TracksRt1822
    Participant

    This is probably going to be a long and complicated explanation, but my best friend is also my ex-boyfriend. He has ADHD along with his brother and father. I had had several friends of mine mention that they thought I was ADHD and/or make comments about my “ADHD/ADD brain”. I always just brushed it off. It wasn’t until I started pursuing a relationship (now my ex) that I realized there was actually a good chance that I had it. Him off his meds was my daily life. I opted to try counseling first because I wasn’t sold on the whole medication idea. Well, counseling really wasn’t all that helpful (still trying to find another counselor that might be able to help more because I know even with the meds I still need it). I finally decided to try medication due to the pressure of school and work increasing and my coping mechanisms proving to be inadequate or detrimental to other areas of my life. It has been the biggest game changer for me. I have been able to think through things a little bit better instead of being impulsive and I can somewhat manage my emotions instead of completely withdrawing or flying off into the wild blue yonder with whatever I am feeling at that moment. And I honestly believe had I been medicated the first time, we might have made it further. So coming from a person who was strongly anti-medication at first, sometimes you have to warm up to the idea. It helped me to read commentary from people who tried meds and it changed their life or they got a diagnosis later in life. For me, one of the biggest fears of being medicated was that it would change who I was. While it definitely does change my ability to use executive functions (for the better), I feel like I am more able to be me because I am not constantly overwhelmed by everything. Don’t know if that will be helpful or not, but sometimes finding out why a person doesn’t want to can be helpful. She also probably needs to realize that medication is just a tool. I think even in our relationship now, he recognizes the value of me being on meds too because he knows not to have a serious conversation unless I am on them (so I will actually remember the conversation) or at least having a VERY good day and have a chance to remember some of it. Make sure if you do bring it up, she is having a “good day.” And sometimes taking notes during a conversation helps me too, despite it looking/feeling funny.

  • #107274

    RagingADHD
    Participant

    I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I both have ADHD. I’m diagnosed and treated, he isn’t. When we first got together, it was pretty obvious he had it, but he’d arranged his life in such a way that his symptoms weren’t holding him back from anything he really wanted in life. I thought I was the organized one, and he needed to get his act together.

    Well, after we became parents, the wheels came off. I was coping pretty well as a single person because I could play to my strengths. Being a mom meant the most important parts of my life were slap in my weaknesses. It became obvious I needed help.

    So for me, getting diagnosed gave me a lot of humility and empathy for him. I started seeing how a lot of the problems I blamed on him were really us (or sometimes just me). I see you’ve had some of that experience too.

    Here’s the thing. You and I, we didn’t get treated to benefit our partners. We did it to benefit ourselves. The improvement in the relationship is a bonus.

    It’s not fair and not right for somebody else to tell me what to do with my body, what medical treatment I am “supposed” to take, or not take. If my Adderall were making our relationship worse in some way, my husband would have the right to tell me about the changes he saw. He’d have the right to ask me about talking to my doctor, maybe trying something different.

    But if he tried to tell me to stop taking it, because he wanted me to? No way. No freaking way. Not his place. Ever. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

    And I think your situation is the same. You talked to her about how your meds helped you. (Which is no guarantee, by the way, that meds would help her. Some people don’t get any benefit anyway.) You talked to her about the unhealthy dynamics that drive your arguments, and how you see them differently now.

    Excellent for all that. Well done. Totally fair and appropriate.

    If she was unhappy with the way her ADHD symptoms were affecting her, it would be perfectly fine and appropriate to encourage her to seek treatment. But you can’t ask her to undergo medical treatment to make YOUR life easier.

    There is no such thing as “fair” when it comes to somebody else’s body. She is the 100% boss of her own body.

    Now, you can set limits on the way she behaves toward you. You can decide that the relationship dynamics aren’t working for you. You can ask her to go to counseling with you, or work on the relationship in other ways. But you have to start on a foundation of respect for her needs and her independence. It’s the only way for you two to wind up in a good place together.

    Best wishes, and I hope things work out great for both of you!

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