Turning 50, ADHD, Anxiety, Lonliness and More

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    • #109933

      This is basically a 2/3 life crisis rant – you may want to just move on to the next topic 😛

      I’m about to turn 50.
      I have ADHD, of course…
      Add to it, I’m an adult child of an alcoholic (my childhood is a blur of non-stop screaming matches). Even to this day, I am so easily put into fight or flight mode – it could be a simple debate about the better sitcom, The Office or Friends, and my adrenaline starts pumping. PTSD?
      I have generalized anxiety and social anxiety disorder.
      I score really high on the Procrastinator test. This just seems like an alternative to the ADHD test, doesn’t it?
      I score really high on the Working Memory Deficit test.
      I score really high on the Executive Function Deficit test. – isn’t this a basic ADHD thing though?
      I score pretty high on the Emotional Disphoria test (that doesn’t seem like the correct name…)
      Mostly I have difficulty taking the other tests because they never have an answer that fits or the question doesn’t apply. For example, “do your friends often (blah blah blah).” Well, I don’t really have any friends so who knows…
      “Often late to appointments or events?” Uh…I don’t go anywhere, ever, so…
      I also don’t lose things, but then I check my pockets a billion times a day. When I leave the house, I check to see my door is locked at least a few times. I can be in the car with the engine on, know I’ve already double or triple checked, but still need to be certain.
      I find it extremely difficult to have a conversations with anyone at work. I am uncomfortable, my eyes start freaking out (twitching, watering), voice gets rough, don’t want to look at them, etc.
      People will try to joke with me or pick on me and I simply can’t play along – I feel this need to ‘explain’ why what they’re joking about might be the case… (hope that makes sense). Apparently I have no sense of humor – at least in person.
      My words, when I speak, are always jumbled.
      Around work, I am always accidentally kicking or tripping over things.
      I’ve re-read what I’ve written so far at least 6 times. Why? I don’t know…
      Now I’ve read it again just to be sure (of what!?)
      I’d say I’m of at least average intelligence if not slightly higher, yet when even mildly pressed, I cannot come up with facts, details, anything to back what I believe or am saying in a conversation.
      No close friends. Realistically, no friends…
      Have self esteem and confidence issues.
      Marriage is rough at times and I know I am not a great husband. We’ll leave it at that…
      Hate talking on the phone so rarely speak with anyone in my family (we live nearly 2 hours away at the closest). But on top of that, either don’t relate to my relatives or just don’t get along.
      My brother is not only schizophrenic but has totally bought into all sorts of flat earth BS – I’ve tried to help him but can’t/he refuses (he will be homeless in the not-too-distant future).
      I worry about being homeless myself but for purely financial reasons.
      I hate my job but have no choice. I’m stuck in more ways than I can even explain and will never be able to retire…
      Sometimes depressed.
      Often profoundly lonely – no one to talk to. Wife doesn’t want to hear half of what I want to talk about…
      Certain I’m leaving a billion things off this list.
      Wish there was a support group nearby but honestly not sure I could go to it.
      Have considered counseling but can’t afford it.
      Have been on meds in the past and at best they took the edge off. At worst, they made me quite ill.
      Have re-read it all again…

      Turning 50 soon – there’s my rant.
      Hope you’re doing better than I am. Would say ‘you’re not alone’ but if you’re anything like me, you probably are. Sorry.

      And one more read before I hit the submit button.

    • #109979

      Hi Scotth,

      Brief response (as in I’m in the middle of 2 projects – procrastination anyone??) but I wanted to let you know you’re not alone.

      As for counseling and $$ – does your employer have EAP? Your health insurance may have ‘behavioural health’. Some counselours in your area may have sliding scale (less you earn the less you pay. Easterseals also does counseling based on income. Last suggestion is, if there is a college near you, their Psychology department may have a counseling department – they can have grad students (or the like) that offer free or low price counseling. I’m looking into a couple of these myself.

      Some Youtube channels help me. How To ADHD has been great for me, but she’s not for everyone. There’s a great video of hers -clips from ppl all over the world – what ADHD looks like (from their perspective). I think that one ADHD around the world or something similar. Most of the ‘kids’ are younger (30’s or under) but I could still relate. I’m 53, diagnosed about a year ago, so I’m new/struggling with all this as well.

      I hope this helps. Don’t mean to cram ‘well meaning advice’ at you if you just wanted to vent. God knows I’ve had those days. Feel free to vent if it helps.


    • #110058

      Hello scotth,
      I identify with what you’ve shared to such a degree its almost comforting. I’m quite familiar with the loneliness you speak of. Often, in my own mind, I think of it as “aloneness”. I think of that line “loneliness is being in a room full of people and still feeling like you’re all alone”. There are times I can remember feeling exactly that. Today, there will be no room full of people. Searching my mental roladex, not one person comes to mind as a trusted, respected, reliable friend. Not so much as a fare weather friend. I have isolated myself to near complete “aloneness”. I’m a woman coming up on 39 years. No children(probably a good thing. In another life…), no career. Living with a man 14 yrs my senior who doesn’t have the patience or the respect or the love, for that matter, to take the time to understand why I am “the way I am”. Quite frankly, if I were in his shoes who’s to say I’d be much different. As a result of not having searched out the correct treatment for my various disorders, generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, bipolar depression, attention deficit disorder..Reason being the only treatment i can get covered by my state funded insurance turned out to be a big sham… so here i am searching the internet for further help, when passed by this site, read your post, then felt compelled to respond. My apologies for all the “me me me” talk..i suppose i used this as an opportunity to vent a little. I wish there was a place for people who feel this isolation, fear and detachment to go and learn a new mental approach, retrain our thinking.. i dont know, feeling a bit hopeless.
      Best wishes to you and thank you for sharing

      • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by AWWin.
      • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by AWWin. Reason: spellcheck
      • This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Penny Williams.
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