Trying to understand

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Relationships Trying to understand

Viewing 2 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #108611
      amyg
      Participant

      Hi:

      I’ve been dating someone long distance for 4 months. He has ADHD. I keep reading here about hyper-focus and he has never done that with me. He’s extremely forgetful and hyper and he loses track of time or just doesn’t call. So I’m wondering if he’s just using this as an excuse and that his level of interest is not stellar. I’m totally on board to help him through this and be supportive but I don’t want to pretend this is ADHD when it’s actually a low level of interest in me personally. If anyone has experience with this, I’d appreciate your comments.

      Thanks!
      Amy

    • #108628
      Spaceboy 99
      Participant

      Hey there 🙂

      I just want to say, from the beginning, that I do completely understand your frustrations. That being said, however, your boyfriend’s behaviour is COMPLETELY in line with ADHD.

      The whole ‘hyperfocus during the beginning of a relationship’ primarily occurs in ordinary relationships, not long-distance ones. There’s nothing WRONG with long-distance relationships, I’m not saying that at all, but they’re especially difficult for people with ADHD. The problem is the distance. The problem is having to remember to call or message regularly. The problem is having other things going on closer to home. ADHD people are kind of wired to focus on whatever is in front of them, to the exclusion of all else. If you were in the locality, he likely WOULD be lavishing all his attention on you (assuming that he IS interested, because what you’re describing COULD also be a lack of interest, but if he says he is, I’d take him at his word) because you’d be THERE. But bear in mind that this overly attentive state would only last, at best, a few months. He would seemingly start to pull away afterwards as other elements in his life came to the fore, and the relationship lost its novelty. It wouldn’t be that his feelings had changed, but the way he shows them would have.

      But yeah, the symptoms you describe are completely typical, and should not be taken as signs of lack of interest AT FIRST GLANCE. They MAY be signs of that, if he actually ISN’T interested, but based just on those, you have no reason to think that he isn’t.

    • #108869
      Nelson DG
      Participant

      Hello,

      I wanted to reply by saying that I think your situation is true in any relationship, ergo, romantic or friendship. I fight with my best friend all the time because I will text her and she forgets to text me back. She said she reads the text and intends to reply but “squirrl.” Something happens to draw her attention away and then it either takes time to get back to me or she forgets all together. I take it as “she just doesnt care” or “everything is more important than I am.” But I recently realized that is not the case.

      So, my advice – give your boyfriend the benafit of the doubt. He is probably doing the best he can. I started writing ‘Snail Mail’ to my best friend. That way I am able to write down what’s on my mind and, subcontiously, I’m not expecting a quick reply. With this tactic I find I’m not disapointed like I am when I try to communicate with a text message that she forgets to reply to.

      Hope this helps,
      Dianne

Viewing 2 reply threads

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.