trying to keep my relationship from falling apart

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    • #171884
      tarheelblue
      Participant

      I’m in desperate need of help. My gf and I have been together for 7 years. She’s an OT/type A personality and I have ADHD. Over the past few years our relationship has diminished greatly, especially the love she has for me. Due to all the frustrations, annoyances, and lack of follow through, she stated “it’s really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel” meaning, I thought you’d be further along in your career goal(s), but nothing is changing. She does really well for herself as an OT. She’s level headed, independent, caring, loving, and EXTREMELY patient. She’s helped me out a lot over the years, but I want her to be my gf not my Occupational Therapist. She’s always tried to help me and it has had a huge repercussion on our relationship (especially after she started reading the book DEPENDENT NO MORE) But I feel all of this is coming to a head and she is beginning to resent many things and shit is about to hit the fan. She said to me last night that she’s having a difficult time seeing the future together, which made me feel sick to my stomach. For herself, she’s been having these ongoing thoughts of to stay together or split up. Of course I want to stay together. She makes me feel whole, she checks all my boxes… but do I check all her boxes? And I know I don’t.

      I do think after 7 years of being together I would’ve had a career change by now (becoming a Spanish interpreter), instead of working a high schooler’s job and making a small hourly salary. I do want better for myself. I believe I am smart, and I’m pretty artistic too. I’m not great with money, but I definitely don’t buy things for myself often besides attempting to pay my bills (on-time), gas and groceries. I honestly have a pretty big hole in my right shoe at the top of the mesh. I’m financially broke honestly, and I’m just hoping for a big break- either a windfall of money or a really good job that I love, that is stable and consistent, that will help provide a good living for a family. I want to be able to save money and not have to worry paycheck to paycheck. I’m doing well with paying off my credit card debt and almost have it all paid off (FINALLY)! Overall, she states that it’s never been about the money I make per hour or my credentials, but how I handle things (ie: planning, follow through, communication). I don’t want these years to have gone to waste if she plans to end our relationship… I sure don’t want it to end. I love her. She would be a great wife to have, a great mother to possibly our children (Lord willing, and if we were together).
      Anywho, any advise or encouragement someone may be able to offer, or help point me in a little clearer direction?
      Stay healthy. In thankfulness,
      Matt

    • #171907
      ryoto
      Participant

      My psychologist friend gets their clients to do this.

      Make two lists of your accomplishments over the last 7 year:
      One personal (jobs hobbies, paying off the credit card ect)
      Second as a couple (moving in, holidays exc)

      Then you need to make a list or mind map of things you want to achieve for both.

      Then show her the achievements and ask her to do the same thing.

      Then both show hopes for the future together.

      This is designed to start a positive discussion and if you have her points written down its harder to forget or misunderstand what she had enjoyed or what she wants in the future.

      This gives you both the chance to talk through your goals and see if you both want the same things in family life and professional goals.

      If a relationship is to be saved you both have to work on it. Pick one of the goals you both want even if it is just to paint the living room walls and do it together.

      You said she thinks follow through for you is a problem, by doing the above you can show you can get things done together and start a new system where you both know what your working towards and take it one step at a time together.

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