May 22, 2020 at 11:55 am #172521
Hi there, my 15 year old son has ODD and was diagnosed with ADD and ODD when he was young. He is not on meds and is in a school with smaller classes to support him and is doing very well. I have not been with his father since James was 10 days old as he was verbally, emotionally and finally physically abusive. His dad has anger issues and is in denial about both himself and James. I have been with James’ stepdad Dave since James was 1.5 yrs old. I am wondering if anyone can give me any advice.
James and I verbally fight all the time. He will literally bait me into a conflict, constantly disagree ( as he feels that he knows better), raise his voice, be condescending and it triggers me every time! I know that I should not engage, we’ve done tons of therapy, but if I don’t engage, we would basically never talk. His behaviour often mirrors his father’s which I was no longer willing to accept….that’s where the triggering occurs.
Can anyone help?
Thanks so much,
May 22, 2020 at 1:17 pm #172534
I challenge you to question the intention of your son’s actions. Is he INTENDING to bait you into a conflict. Is he consciously planning and executing this baiting? I would bet that it’s not a conscious action, but rather a symptom of lagging skills and discomfort and not feeling safe on his part.
The constant disagreement and inflexibility can be maddening for parents and any others around them, but this is a clear symptom of the ADHD brain, which can often only envision one way for something. For my own son, this extreme inflexibility and argumentativeness lead us to realize he’s also on the autism spectrum. It was more severe and more consistent than expected for ADHD. When my son is calm and the opportunity arises, I talk with him about alternatives. For example, if he is convinced that there’s only one way to drive to school, I talk to him about other routes. “What other way do you think we could have gone?” That’s a really generic example and only works for older kids (my son is 17) — you can have these conversations on just about anything in daily life. Even about the way a sandwich is made. 😉 The key is to teach them to think through brainstorming different possibilities for things, then the idea that there’s only one way or only one right answer begins to dissipate.
I personally believe that ODD is a diagnosis to label behavior, when that behavior is attributable to other things (and I know some professionals that agree). For instance, extreme inflexibility is common in individuals on the autism spectrum. The way behavior is addressed is what differentiates between improvement and constant opposition and defiance. Instead of telling yourself that he is hard-wired for defiance and opposition, look at each instance and what is causing the behavior, then you can improve it.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
June 17, 2020 at 12:21 pm #174457
I am so worried about you it is very difficult to handle a such type of situation. My 9 year old daughter has autism disorder and she was also dignosed with ODD. Doctors tell me that she had a psychological issue. I discussed it with john. John ask me to take a proper tratment for her. Because of her changing behaviour I was so upset.I noticed that my daughter is just having a harder time at school or with friends than her older sibling.Teachers have brought up concerns about her behavior.I was so worried about her and wondering for a best psychologist for my daughter.One day my fried came to my hose and see all the situation she tell me about Psychological Evaluation. I went here and met with Psychologist. she test my daughter. And now they are doing proper treatment of my daughter. And she is also getting well.
July 8, 2020 at 2:52 pm #178475
Hey guys, I’m new to the forum. I’m 25 and was diagnosed in kindergarten. Sorry to hear about the baiting. I used to do the same thing with my mom. This is a symptom deep down of boredom and attention-seeking. Your child isn’t wanting to upset you personally but rather looking to get a reaction. These behaviors deal with the inattentive part of the condition. It’s easy to get bored and start looking for attention in the form of misbehavior by arguing, asking silly questions, playing silly videos or otherwise doing subtle things to get under a parent’s skin. The best formula here is to not acknowledge these behaviors and to change the subject unless you truly feel the child is acting out of genuine concern or curiosity about a particular subject.
Hope this helps. I have some more information with a few of my programs and would love to have the opportunity to help.
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by vtafuto.
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