This UK mum needs some help!

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    • #137106
      ahendy
      Participant

      Hi,
      This is my first time posting on here and would love some help and support. I am a 43 yr old mum from the UK and desperate for some support/guidance.
      I have a 7 year old son who we suspect has ADHD, he has had an assessment and now we are waiting for his diagnosis’s sometime in the New Year.
      I have read most books/articles on ADHD and try to put strategies in place for him, but his dad, my husband is in denial I’m sure. I try to make him understand that our son does not think or function as we do, and there are days where he’s on board with me, but most days it’s me trying to fight the world and support our son on my own
      I don’t have a support network around me, lost both my parents and have no one to really reach out too. I cannot find any support networks for children and families with ADHD in my area in the UK?
      I’m hoping it will be easier once my son is diagnosed and that we may get some help and support for him? Does it get any easier? Is there anything I can do to help my son now, he has awful anger issues.
      Thanking you in advance for taking the time to read this. Ann 😊

    • #137185
      retrodad
      Participant

      Hello Ann,

      Previous dad in denial (and now divorced) here.

      Does it get any easier? YES, but… there’s a VERY STEEP learning curve for all.

      A medical diagnosis is just the starting point and unfortunately is still limited to trial and error.

      After personally fighting the default meds bandaid for a year, desperation forced a change of opinion. As it turned out, meds gave us the quickest and biggest bang for our buck so far, while also giving us some time and energy to recover and battle on.

      The hardest point for me was getting my perspective right – as we all know, the ADHD challenges and coping behaviors all initially appear to be negative (based on social “norms” and expectations – okay maybe just mine).

      Until one gets educated in all things ADHD/and other acronyms, executing any traditional parenting / teaching “strategies” and expecting them to work, will most likely be self defeating for all.

      Once one “sees” the effort, beauty and creativity that exists in your child’s coping behaviors, the love and respect for your child will reach another level.

      Likewise, once one embraces the amazing skill sets that exist on the far side of your child’s bell curve – things start to get fun and exciting again!

      What to do now? STOP all negative responses and interactions – ONLY point out the positives, even if you think they’re silly or even if you have to make something up. It will turn the ship quicker than anything.
      Parents / Teachers need the timeouts, not the kids.

      Remember what’s happening in those challenging moments – it’s NOT A CHOICE, but a CHILD trying to…
      -Survive all the confusion and stress
      -Survive the endless frustration caused by the inability to physically do what they mentally know
      -Survive the clueless social expectations and responses (consistent loss of confidence)
      -Survive parental / teacher responses

      Anger is most likely due, simply to the above, which makes one constantly stressed out, resulting in fear, loss of confidence, mental and physical fatigue.

      Check the fundamental boxes on a daily basis before looking for any secrets or shortcuts.

      Empathetic listening and responses – is priority #1. Slow and soft speaking voice. (even after the 100th time)

      Find analogies to help make sense of this.

      Patience and humor will be put to the test – time to power up!

      Stress management for everyone!!! – Sleep (9PM-6AM min), Exercise/movement (daily), Nutrition (nothing new here).

      Spousal communication, understanding and agreement is critical.

      This will likely be one, if not the most difficult things you’ve ever dealt with.

      BUT, I promise – as long as you keep learning, loving and sharing – you will become a super parent warrior, just like the rest of us here. The Avengers have got nothing on this group.

      Happy Holidays – Love your Acronym family ; ]

      • This reply was modified 11 months, 2 weeks ago by retrodad.
    • #137224
      Penny Williams
      Keymaster

      There is a huge learning curve. It takes time to get to know your child’s intricacies through the lens of ADHD and see that what looks like laziness and defiance is lagging skills and dysregulation. He’s very young and it’s really tough before around age 9, when they start to develop some self-awareness.

      I would start working with him on his emotions — communicating them more appropriately and regulating. I like using the Zones of Regulation for this. It can really help with his anger (anger probably only looks one way to him, but there are many variations of angry and many ways to express and cope with that feeling).

      There are so many aspects to ADHD that aren’t addressed in the diagnostic criteria but are affecting your child greatly:

      Your Child’s ADHD Is an Iceberg

      Penny
      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Coach & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

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