This is a long one. What exactly is ADHD…

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    • #126266

      Let me started by saying I grew up with a mother who always told me adhd is not a real thing. I believe she’d give an excuse that kids are just hyper.

      Growing up I had difficulty reading which lead to my poor grammar, spelling, and math problems with words. I had 3 brothers that often made fun of me for this. They are good people but just teased a lot. My parents would jump in with the teasing and I’d cry and my mom would say I’m too sensitive. I’m not sure if this is true or not but it hurt my confidence. Plus I already had poor confidence with how I look. As school went on I did okay unless there was a math problem on the board or I had to read aloud. Oh my gosh the anexity made me sick. I stare at the problem and just can’t solve it. I hear anyone laugh and I want to cry, even if it wasn’t at me. In school I got some A’s but mostly B’s and C’s.

      I do love learning especially with science and history. I specifically loved a teacher what would test us in essay form. She didn’t check grammar or spelling but you just wrote everything you could remember and get points from that. It was amazing and I did very well with this. I’m sure it was a mess just like this post though.

      I went to college and unfortunately only did 2.5 years. It is a blur. The first year I failed everything. I was put into a class that help keep you organized and focus which actually placed me on the Dean’s list the following year. Then the next year I fell through again. I started dating at this time and from there on out I had fail relationship after relationship. I had a nasty temper and just never thought people were telling the truth. I was so insecure. I had went through at least 6 longer relationships and none worked. Once 23 hit I also started drinking. It helped with the anexity I got from social interaction. I to be social but I dredded it. Before and after I hung out with people. I would just think over random thoughts and be like, “oh my god why did I say those things!?” Or “why do people even like me?” My mind would always be racing on what people thought of me to random other things. It was like my mind never got rest. This lead to more failed relationships, drinking, and not being able to hold a stable job. I thought this was because of anexity or depression.

      My dad died when I was 21 after being sick on and off for years plus all my grandparents. Which started random thoughts about death and the after part. This would create panic attacks later in life (currently) and this extreme fear of death. I was never suicidal but one time during a huge fight with an ex I had downed a bottle of ibuprofen. We were drinking a lot too. We drank almost every night. I was definitely an alcoholic. I really believe this made me calm or focused. It wasn’t until recently that I met someone else who is a saint. He is the most calming person and it help me a little. I was still drinking and sadly I was hiding it in places so my boyfriend wouldn’t know. I’d black out more than I’d like to say. I would have a stressful day at work and or my brother’s brain tumor diagnosis that made me feel it was okay to have a little to calm down all my thoughts. My thoughts wouldn’t just be on this things. I mean it could be any random thing in the world, like what was the Egyptian lifestyle like. Again, I love learning just at my own pace and on what I want. I get bored VERY fast though. So I would jump topics all the time. I’m pretty good a random trivia though!

      Anyways, I realized I was an alcoholic and I hated that I was doing this to my boyfriend. He would hide it from me and I’d feel sick about it. I could and cant lose him. I finally went to doctor A. She put me on effexor and we tried propranolol (did nothing), clozapine(hated it), and gabapentin (which help a ton but I can’t really tell if it’s still working.) The effexor alone did me absolute wonders. I stopped drinking. I stopped the day I started the meds. I haven’t looked back and it’s never on my mind except being proud of myself and this felt like an accomplishment that I couldn’t really blurt out to anyone. I lost 15lbs. I 5’2 and I was pushing 130ish and above. I’m not really active though. The effexor side effects make me kind of eh and tired, but it isn’t the worst. My emotions seem way better except I instead of constantly worrying I’m thinking about so many random things. I spend way to much time on my phone just researching random stuff. So my work life is still being interfered with these thoughts and unfortunately I haven’t been able to get much more than an administrative assistant job. Ironically I had to take a personality test that my boss swears by and said that my score was great for this position because I enjoy doing all kinds of subjects and not more focused like our accounting departments. Though for my performance review I did get docked for looking or things and careless mistakes. I don’t want to be in this position but I just never felt I could finish anything else.

      My hobbies are all gone. I just can’t focus on them. Video games that I loved just never happen. I just feel stuck. I feel happy though! I keep positive! Again, effexor helped a great deal I’m just scared it will stop. I’m also terrified about weening off. It sounds like torture.

      So here I am, with a new doctor because doctor A was extremely disorganized (I am too.) and had no staff. She lost my records on top of other things. Plus I was really upset about being put on benzos which I told her I really did not want to start.

      This new doctor seems very genuine and got me talking so much. However when I left I was like, “holy cow my conversation was all over the place.” I don’t even know if he could understand everything. The things that scared me is that he suggest taking me off my 150mg of effexor. Which felt like a life saver. He knew before i said anything that my sex life was non existent and I do really feel bad about this. Not that it was great before it but it’s nowhere now. I feel so bad for my boyfriend. He never complains though. I guess there are other side effects too but they seemed okay to put up with. I told him as of this time I cant think about stopping it.

      As we kept talking he did mention I seemed to show some signs of adhd. I laughed because I have never heard this and again all my life I believed it was made up. I have looked up symptoms before and thought, “nah that’s not me and I’m not hyper.” But as I searched more things seemed to fit with it. I’m not sure if anyone saw an article about rejection sensitive dysphoria¬†(RSD) and link to adhd, but rsd describes exactly what I feel a lot. So here I am. I’m very confused and not sure what i have. I’m worried about losing the effexor and what my new mental health plan would be.

      I know I need to bring this up to the doctor, but did anyone else have symptoms like this and is it at all related to adhd or is it just general anxiety? Am I just lazy and not motivated? Is it even worth considering? Do people get over diagnosed with adhd? My doctor mention a test I needed to take but our appt was around 2 hours and we both forgot. I’m not even sure if that was what the test was for.

      In my mind I thought adhd was a super hyper person that just talks all the time. Sorry, I was ignorant to all of it. Thank you all for taking this time to read this. Sorry for the mess and word vomit. I really appreciate it. Not looking for dignosis, I just want to know are these common symtoms? Thank ypu!!

      Edit: Oh not to sound gross but I have this real bad urge to pick scabs. I hate it. I have to put band aids on. Nothing at all has helped me with this. I have lots of scars. It’s really sad. Anyone have this?

    • #126463
      Penny Williams

      The only way to know for sure if you have ADHD is to seek an evaluation from a professional. In the mean time ,you can take this self-test online and see if you’re on the right track:

      [Self-Test] Do I Have ADHD? ADD Symptoms in Adults

      Many, many people who were diagnosed with or treated for depression and/or anxiety have been diagnosed with ADHD as adults. It’s often misdiagnosed in this way, especially for women.

      “My ADHD Was Ignored”

      ADDitude Community Moderator, Parenting ADHD Trainer & Author, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

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