November 24, 2018 at 4:48 pm #104246
Hello, I’ve just joined here, hoping for advice on how to react when adhd kicks in. I myself suffer from an anxiety disorder, and my loved one has adhd. In person, I’m introverted, and she’s extroverted. She was actually the one to reach out and come to me and engage our relationship. Right now the relationship isn’t serious like it was two years ago, it’s fizzled down to something more casual, but i believe has potential to rebuild, if I have a new understanding of adhd. The main reason I believe things fell apart was because up till recently I never understood adhd. At first she didn’t tell me about the adhd, till after the serious part fizzled.
The biggest issue is inconsistent responses to texts, snapchat, etc. When things were well,the replies were there, then suddenly, without warning, it abruptly stopped, and left me confused.. what happened, what did I do wrong? Sent my anxiety into overdrive. But when we would see each other in person at work or outside of work, it was like always, we’d talk, joke around, it’s like a different person. Now we no longer work together, so now mainly we rely on texts and social media to keep in touch, and see each other maybe once or twice a month. But still when we see each other in person, things are great. Some days texting, we would have a good stimulating conversation like the good times, and then the next day I can barely get two words… I never took adhd into account till recently, so we have had a number of misundestandings. Whenever something would happen such as her not responding to a couple texts in a row, or not getting back to me about plans to do something, I’d take it personally, and let my own anxiety take control. Mainly I misread it as her telling me to get lost, and as a result, we would go days without talking, sometimes weeks, and a couple times nearly 2 months. I don’t want that to happen anymore.
I’ve read a couple books so far, but none have really touched directly on this subject. So I’m looking for more advice on how to react when this happens. It may be easy for some people to just say don’t take it personally, but my anxiety still kicks in each time. I try reminding myself of that and how she once said others including her best friend have complained about her not responding.
I’m just starting to learn about this, so whatever advice and tips anyone has I can appreciate it!
November 25, 2018 at 8:35 pm #104260
My mom, brother, and sister all have add (and I probably do too – I’m getting tested soon). The one thing three of us struggle with consistently (my brother excluded) is phone use :o. I came to the point that I’d lose my phone for a few days to a week only to realize that it was in my purse. Other times I text my SO and things are good, but I get distracted and four hours later I realize I haven’t replied. There are two things you have to do: 1) let her know how it makes you feel. People with ADD are not just perpetually stuck. Given structure/goals etc, we can overcome things if we know it’s important. She’s going to feel incredibly frustrated at herself, her mind, but if she cares enough about you enough, she’ll work at it. Maybe she won’t be as good at texting as you’d hope for, but she’ll still get better. 2) You need to understand. Understanding is not innate, it doesn’t come easy. I’ve had to learn to understand with my mom, brother, and sister. But seeing my mom and dad together, her ADD isn’t a hinderance – our home at times has frustration but mostly we just all have a good time. You’re going to ask her to fight something inside of her. You can only do the same for her – if she doesn’t respond then put the phone down, find something else to do and check your phone only now and then. If she replies great! But her lack of response, as you will have to train yourself if you really care, is not a rejection. Be patient because, as I’ve learned after 21 years of being late to school, work, and every other thing imaginable because of family – getting angry will only make things worse. Be patient, always expect more, and celebrate the small victories. ADD isn’t disease, it’s another way of functioning.
November 26, 2018 at 9:58 am #104286
I kept remembering how at first it was a consistent text conversations, and it was stimulating to me, and I kept craving that again. When it came to an abrupt and unexpected halt, i was left confused. I had spent two years of taking others advice which applies to non-adhd people, which never made things better. I recall when it’s me doing the initiating, and making most of the effort, things seem to be at it’s best. Then I run into an adhd moment where she hasn’t replied to 2, 3, 4, messages in a row, especially if there was a question mixed in there, that’s where the anxiety overload kicks in. I start to feel like she’s telling me to get lost, or I’m being annoying, or I said the wrong thing, and I end up shutting down, and dont know what to say or do next.
when I have mentioned about the lack of replies, she usually denies it, or says she didn’t realize she isn’t replying.
November 27, 2018 at 11:12 am #104485
Be careful what you wish for. LOL. My husband over texts me to the point that it is constantly interrupting me at work. And if he can’t get me to respond right away(because I’m WORKING), then he calls or emails. But I have also noticed that it comes in phases. He will do this for months at a time and then it will stop. What I have noticed, is that when it stops, it is because he is then going through a month’s stretch of texting his brother non-stop, or a new friend from work. It’s almost as if he realizes that his constant hyper texting is too much, so it’s as if he is trying to spread it around as to not wear out his welcome. But I think it’s more along the lines of novelty. I think the novelty wears off in the ADHD brain, so they then stop texting you and move onto anyone else they can text until the novelty wears off again.Then they rotate to a different friend, etc.
I have no idea if I am correct on my interpretation of the texting behaviors of ADHD. But I just noticed that if he finally listens to me(after much begging on my part) and quits texting me at work, that it’s almost seems like it’s a compulsion to him and he then has to text somebody else non stop. But he also is not on any medication yet. I wonder if your girlfriend’s texting habits change if she forgets to take medication, perhaps? Coincidentally, like you, I also am an extreme introvert and suffer from anxiety. And trying to interpret and make sense of the behaviors of someone with ADHD will practically put you into a panic attack. You find yourself sitting there, going over and over in your head, trying to figure out what you did to contribute to their change in behavior towards you. Don’t go there, it will just make you feel nuts. LOL. At one point, I actually found myself reading books on Navy Seals mind control so that I could learn meditation and mind calming techniques because my husband’s behavior was constantly not making sense to me. Other people’s posts in this forum have shown me that all that anxiety over it, was for nothing, since 99% of these types of behaviors have nothing to do with us, or anything we did wrong.
November 27, 2018 at 8:19 pm #104519
hey, thanks! Honestly, I miss the days of texting each other back and forth whenever we could. if that happens anymore, it’s rare…
it’s so hard to not fall into an anxious overload. Even though lately I’ve been studying adhd, and trying so hard to tell myself not to take it personally, it’s still hard. for example, yesterday we had a good text conversation in the afternoon. this morning, I sent her a message to let her know the road conditions. no response. ok, no biggie. then mid day, I sent a message asking how she was doing today (because she hurt her back a couple days ago). no response again… Uh-oh anxiety alarm is going off, did I say the wrong thing, am I being annoying, did I bore her yesterday, is she looking at the phone seeing my message and saying #^(* off.. no matter what I tell or remind myself… uggh..
so yeah, I drive myself nuts first sitting and waiting, thinking well maybe she’ll respond tonight sometime. probably not.. so now what? the old uneducated me would have said I’m not sending another message again till she responds or sends me something, which could take days, weeks, or even a month.. I don’t want to let that happen.. so, I guess i sleep on it, and hope I wake up with an idea of how to proceed next.
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