Take Responsibility

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    • #78459

      I need to vent my frustration with a lot of the stuff that I read on this website and other literature about ADHD. It seems to me that so much of ADHD is about being victim. I see excuses everywhere. Little jokes about what it’s like to live in ADHD and how its so difficult. All of it seems to be a constant blame game.

      Everything on the relationship forums or literature is about how ADHD makes it harder for partners. That its difficult to be in a relationship with someone with ADHD. But the common problem is that people are only every thinking about themselves. Heres a solution, you want to be a better partner? Be of of service to your partner and realize that your ADHD is your responsibility not theirs.

      I see stupid things about having difficulty doing laundry and house work. It’s frustrating to read. Its not difficult, do the laundry now not later. Do the dishes now not tomorrow. A cluttered house will only make your ADHD worse.

      Trouble with organization. I have seen articles on this site about 35 new apps to help you with organization or 48 tips to get your life in order. Get the Fu%& out of here, I have ADHD I am gonna get distracted by the 4th app. You need 3 apps at most and only a hand full of tips. Find the system that works best for you and stick to it. Make it the center of your life.

      Medication, this is a tricky subject because finding the right medication is hard. It takes along time. I will excuse that pursuit. But what I will not excuse is people that think medication is an option or that you only need it some of the times or people that think its a cure all, its none of those things. It is a necessary foundation of any treatment. It helps to manage the symptoms but it does not eliminate them. A person still needs systems of time management, exercise, coaching, etc to fully be in charge of their ADHD. (I say this as a recovering alcoholic that can honesty say I have never abused my medication and still take Adderall every morning)

      Rejection/shame. This is a serious subject. I have felt these emotions deeply in my life. They have controlled my life and beat me down. I swam in the seas of self pity, self hatred, remorse, and wallowed in the past for the majority of my life. But here is the hard truth. They are all bull shit waste of your time emotions. They do absolutely nothing for you. So get over it. Toughen up. Take responsibility and own your actions. Stop playing a victim. Stop hating yourself. Stop thinking about what anyone thinks about you. Love yourself, live for yourself, look the person in the mirror in the eye, become a master at accepting criticism, and be a hero.

      Finally stop blaming people. Stop making other people understand you. Stop thinking that you can beat this on your own (spoiler alert, you can’t). Realize that you have a serious condition. Accept that to the foundation of your soul. Then start taking action. You have to start helping yourself before anyone else will. Work hard at this. Learn everything you can. Absorb the knowledge and change. Get help, get medicated, get a coach, get a therapist, wrote notes, exercise, get sober, read books, ask for constant feedback, accept criticism, love yourself, eat healthy, exercise (I have to say it again because its important), and take full responsibility.

      Alright. I am done for now. Rant over. I want to thank ADDitude, the forums, my doctors, friends, family, the 12 steps, books, and exercise. My life is exponentially better because I work so hard at getting better. Thank you.

    • #78466

      Funny, I actually was getting into self-pity and hopelessness today (part of it was a medication change that probably making my perspective off, and thankfully I see that so I don’t obsess over it and just keep taking good actions to manage my adhd. I’m also a recovering alcoholic, I have very very extreme ADHD esp with hyperactivity. I view my adhd like I view my alcoholism. I have it, I can’t wish or will it away, I just have to rely on God and be active in my treatment. There are going to be people who don’t get adhd or even believe it’s real, just like fete are people who think alcoholics are just bad moral people or whatever. But guess what, I don’t have to convince them about either. I know, god knows. And that’s really what matters. If I feel alone that’s my fault now, bc I know I’m not alone unless I choose to be. One thing that helped me with my organization (oh my you guys I was pathetic with every adhd issue bahaha) was just realizing I could still do the right thing, even if I didn’t feel like it!! I treated it like an experiment: ok, my way doesn’t work, so I’m gonna try suggestions like reminders, getting in a routine, therapy, coach, EXERCISE (devoted long distance runner and yogi), meditation(yes my brain races fast, I used that as an excuse to say I couldn’t do it, but I wasn’t even trying back then)..and do these things whether I think they will work or not!!! What do I have to lose?! And little improvements of taking action add up!!!! I like instant gratification, and my way of obtaining long term improvement is to find instant pleasures (it a better word; gratitude) with each step towards that goal!!! Training got a marathon? Well what did I get out of today’s run, so that will motivate to do tomorrow’s!! I do have bad days, like today…prob the med (on concert, focalin was MUCH smoother just not enough coverage, but that god for a great doc!!)—but I’m not using that to excuse bad behavior, just to remind me that this too will pass, and that I don’t have to read into it. I like the phrase: you can’t think your way into right actions, but you take action to get right thinking! Our similarities in comorbid issues reminded me to take on the same perspective. I just checked my email and this popped up. I should get on here more just to see I’m not this crazy unique helpless person, there are others too and we can share what’s helped us so maybe it’ll help someone else !!

      • #78539

        I am gonna be honest I thought that maybe I should not have posted this because it was more me venting then offering any support or solution. I read your response right as I was leaving the house to go to my home group. Thank you so very much. I relate to so much of what you said.
        Well articulated the one day at a time/instant gratification of having small goals that help you reach the larger goals. (I have gotten into triathlons with the hope of doing an Ironman in a few years and doing a marathon this year)
        Yes the doing the right thing even if you don’t feel like it. I despised the ‘fake it till you make it’ but I now really like it.
        All of what you said was great and it really capped my day.
        I will also that once I viewed my ADHD and addiction together and treated them similarly things really changed. I will never be able to beat alcoholism or ADHD and they will be with me for my entire life. Both will kill me. What I can do it seek help and try to manage them (please excuse the use of management in relation to unmanageable issues). Sobriety and addressing my ADHD are not the best things I will ever do but they are the most important.

    • #78501

      I appreciate this post because I question the robustness of neuropsychiatric eval/test&measures, and how subsequent diagnoses are made. I understand the basic principles of human body systems, and layering environmental factors on top of their interrelatedness makes it easy for a skeptic like me to wonder about neuro deficits/differences being ‘cureable’ vs. unmodifiable. I speak only for myself of course, but I question whether or not I actually have a disability due to ADHD. At times, attempts to reconcile my churning mind, emotional intensity, lack of focus, and extreme disorganization exacerbate my imposter syndrome: I must just be immature, undisciplined, and defiant. Other times, I accept my deficits and acknowledge them as reasons (vs. excuses) to work extra hard and be vigilant about symptom management (much as one’s 12-step recovery is contingent upon them maintaining fit spiritual condition). I’ve struggled with anxiety, bulimia, and low self-image for the majority of my life. I believe I am successful in taking responsibility for those difficulties, so why is it so hard to do the same with ADHD ?

      • #78543

        This is really interesting. I can relate to addressing and fighting some issues but then having others be out of control. This is difficult.
        Can I ask:
        – Do you find some benefit or enjoyment from your ADHD?
        – When your vigilant on your other issues does it take your eye off of ADHD?
        – Have you found any strategies such as exercise (I know excessive exercise is fickle with eating disorders) that help with all of your issues?
        – What is the issue that causes the most difficulty in your daily life?
        I hope things get better. Your not alone.

    • #78497
      the dancer

      Bravo! Bravo! Your honesty is refreshing to hear.

    • #78678

      I don’t think it matters if a person has ADHD or not, we ALL must take responsibility for our actions. This world is full of those refusing to take responsibility, and instead play the “victim card”, or even worse, somehow just believe they are “entitled”…I guess by default? I will hold the subject of entitlement for another day, but I do have something to say about the victim situation…

      Rather it’s because of ADHD, or you feel like a victim for some other reason, know this…even if you ARE a victim and have had some horrendous experiences in life, even if you have lived a life of misery and injustice, that card does NOTHING, but hold you back. Do NOT give into it! Being the “victim” gives you an excuse, and excuses, once again, hold you back. If you choose to see yourself as a victim, you will never empower yourself to rise above. Instead of trying, and failing, and getting back up, and trying again, and again, until you FINALLY get it right, you will try and fail, and after a time or two, you will allow yourself to quit because…you’re a “victim”, you “just can’t do better” “life will just never get better” for you. Please excuse this, but that is BS! Do NOT do that to yourself. Get up, dust yourself off, and make a true decision to overcome whatever’s holding you back, no matter how many times you fail in the process. And remember this…every successful person has failed time and time again, WE just don’t take NOTICE of them until they’ve reached success.

      I was someone who had a hard time doing mundane tasks, and I would let them go, until they came up to bite me in the butt. I have read so many organizational, time-management, “get your crap together” posts, I can’t even give you a count. I would try to use their ideas, and not one of them worked for me! But what DID work, in the end, was a combination of ideas that I collected from many posts. All of the things that work for one person, are probably not going to work for you, BUT if you don’t quit, you don’t give up, and you keep trying, keep pressing forward, you WILL find what works for you. I know this is just a small example, but it’s the same process that works on most everything in life.

      I’m currently in the process of starting a small business…I say “in the process of”, but I have been in this “process” for a LONG time, long enough that I don’t want to confess the exact amount of time, OK? Yes, that long. My first set back was that I found myself moving, but not truly making progress. It took me a while to figure that out. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t see what it was at first. Thankfully, I was finally able to step outside of the situation and see what was happening. I wasn’t keeping a narrow focus, I was all over the place. I could have quit then, and at one time, I would have, but instead, I redirected, and started making some progress.

      Here recently, I found myself in another dilemma. I found myself not wanting to do some of the main tasks in my business that I had once LOVED. It got so bad, that I was almost getting sick, at only the THOUGHT of doing them. Again, I knew SOMETHING was wrong, but I was like WTH? I finally did some research, and figured out that everyone around me was right…(LOL). As it turns out, I have a perfectionist mindset. I thought a perfectionist was someone who did everything perfectly all of the time, you know, those who’s homes and cars always look pristine, and they, themselves always look like they have it together? I knew THAT wasn’t me, but no. A perfectionist is someone who WANTS to do everything perfectly all of the time, but can’t, and gets really, REALLY pissed at themselves, because they can’t…and that IS me.

      Of course, there are “reasons” a person develops this mindset. As I was reading those reasons, memories came flooding back. These are memories I have put at the very back of my mind, and that’s where I want to keep them; however, that night, I allowed myself to think about them some, and oh, did I have a big ole’ silent pity-party! But, here’s the deal…I can choose to focus on those thoughts that bring me to tears, and I can quit, once again giving up ANOTHER dream, or I can choose to push those memories back where they belong, get up, dust myself off, and focus on overcoming this mindset I’ve developed. Which attitude is going to help me? Which is going to hurt me?

      I think we all have these decisions to make. Honestly, there probably isn’t a person around who couldn’t play the victim card, some would have more right than others, and believe me, I know there are those out there who’ve had it far worse than myself; but my point is, why allow those situations any more of your time? Why allow them any more of your joy, or hope, or confidence, or self-worth?

      Only YOU can choose to make YOUR situation better, but you DO have that choice. I say, for once…choose YOU! 😉

      • #79030

        I absolute agree. Thumbs up.

    • #79238

      I’ve always heard that in life sometimes we are victimized, but it’s our choice whether we want to be a victim (aka let that person or thing keep torturing us). Yes, it’s true that I can (more so in the past) come off as a maladjusted adult. I know it’s my adhd, BUT because I know this, it’s my responsibility to find creative work around for things like remembering my keys, appointments, meds, bills, etc. when I have to do something boring, just say ok do 5-minutes, and then I actually end up doing it!! There are also so many benefits to my adhd-it’s the sole reason I’m good at my job! I’m a computer and I do exploratory analysis with statistical modeling/data science. I get to think big, and my boss loves that. He also knows I struggle with follow through bc I get distracted my more big ideas that spawn. He suggested I write them down, and we go over at end of week! And he (in a gentle way) keeps me accountable on follow-through. Adhd doesn’t have to be all glum jnlsss we want it to be!! My case is so severe that I could be on much higher doses of meds, but heck I don’t want that!! I just wanna take some things and rid of the painful hyperactivity that causes me to pace 17 hours a day, and thoughts SO fast I can’t speak properly, but I still love my thoughts, just meds slow then down just enough that I can “grab” them. I don’t want linear thinking. I have to remember there are positives. I’m saying this for myself mainly haha. But SO good to know I’m not alone!!!!!? There are others like me, and like someone said I can try out different suggestions—like a blend. Some work great, some don’t. And that’s ok!

      • #79307

        This is wonderful. Its fantastic that you found a job that works for you and you have a supportive boss. I am happy for you.
        Also great that you take responsibility and find manageable approaches to your ADHD.

        The talking stood out to me. You mentioned not being able to speak properly. I have been more conscious of that recently. I am long winded, stutter a little, and have trouble articulating myself in an manner that others understand. Its something that I am aware of but need to learn more strategies for. Anyway thank you.

    • #81225

      Thank you! This was the soft nudge in my …backside..;)).plus the encouragement I needed today. With me, right now, severe clinical depression is JUST now beginning to lift, I’m seeing our beautiful home’s mighty, hot sun today for the first time in … dear God of Heaven, I can’t even REMEMBER when was the last time I saw our wild star! Terryfying….

      Anyway…with quite some “issues”, inhereting rather ” Bulky family luggage” to supposedly (so was the family’s wish +plan!) carry around with me,and finally DIE,accepting my forefather’s debts, evil deeds,tradition and such.

      Now, although I am a well known friend + proponent of the honest word, clarity and true direction, it did truthfully, take me a longer while to be able to sort of digest the kind of caring, loving clear and uncompromisory honesty, as I just stumbled into reading this thread top to bottom seemingly “by coincidence”! 😉

      Thank God NOW I CAN face such adressess and not only that: I’m left profoundly moved and substantially encouraged to go ahead, to keep fighting even when at times I feel I must relent and the enemy of my precious soul I believe to be already crouching in the shadows surrounding me!

      Thank you especially @ you, Patrick for not keeping quiet, even at the very real risk of a ginormous shit storm and going ahead explaining in greater detail your intention as well as the content of the important text.

      Again- Thank you very much! (sais my own heart & soul!)

    • #86165

      I was just telling these hard truths yesterday. She is 8 and we both have ADHD. Her catch phrase is “it’s not me, it’s my adhd”. Well, mommy has adhd too so you gonna have to find another reason. After calming down, she hugged me tight and said she needed help. I told her that I know how hard it can be but that she has to take responsibility for her behavior and that I would help her along with her doctor, therapist And teachers.

    • #86286

      I’m going to disagree, to some degree. You are under no obligation to read any of the content that is annoying or frustrating you on this site, or any other source. Your emotional reaction is yours and yours alone, no one here is obligated to cater to them. So own them instead of projecting them as judgement onto an entire community.

      There are different kinds and different levels of ADHD. It’s great that yours was easy to conquer. You should appriciate that rather than allowing it to entitle you to judge others. One of the biggest issue we deal with, especially as kids, is ignorant, judgmental people telling us to just stop being lazy. If you know anything about this condition, you know it has nothing to do with laziness, or irresponsibility, etc.

      It is hard, it does require more from us than we naturally are inclined to give, it does require help from others, it often requires medical treatment. I can write 1000 pages on why, but the whys are already out there for you to learn once you open your mind and get over your irrational emotional reaction which causes unhealthy judgement of others.

      Part of how we deal with it, is to get with others that have the same experience and complain about how hard it is. That is healthy.

      And yes, I do agree we are responsible for our actions, just like everyone. But taking responsibility looks very different for us than your judgement imply.

    • #107665

      Sorry to be blunt, but you (author) sound exactly like the myopic, judgemental and hubristic AAs I have listened to and ultimately interjected in their berating of another struggling bottle junkie many times in my 12 years of sobriety/recovery. The type who have convinced themselves that their sobriety was their choice and no one else was responsible for t dir use and subsequent decision to stop. To such people I simply say, good for you, but just because you could (supposedly) do that, doesnt mean anyone else can. And just as addictions clinical dx requires “the inability to chose to quit on ones own.” And yes, AAs are drug addicted junkies no different than heroine addicts etc. ETOH IS A DRUG. The clinical dx for add/hd includes the inability to perform certain mental tasks as effectively as a neurotypical person. AND that some of the symptoms will never be completely minimized. And while it may true that each person participates in a particular dance, many of the most destructive absolutely have a perpetrator and a victim; dual victimization is total bs. I an also a survivor if emotional abuse. Abuse is NOT about mutual understanding, rather power and control. And yes the control is real, the victims are not weak or making excuses. They are traumatized. Some for the very symptoms known of by their abusers. NEVER FORGET THAT YOUR LOVED ONES ENTRUST YOU WITH KNOWING THEIR GREATEST FEARS AND VULNERABILITIES. USING THE KNOWLEDGE AGAINST THEM AS A FORM OF DEROGATION IS TREASONOUS TO LOVING THEM; THE MOST EGREGIOUS ABUSE OF TRUST VISITED UPON INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS.

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