May 14, 2018 at 11:04 pm #84245
My anxiety is unmanageable: my ADD out of control. I can hardly articulate a sentence out loud. Every component of my life right now is a struugle. The best part of mothers day was when everyone went home. Oh God! This is not me! Im not focused at work. I am going psycho crazy on my partner. All i want him to do is stop cleaning up after me, stop moving, and stop talking to me. When i take the time to muster the energy to confide to him my add is off the charts, he interrupts and redirects the conversation to some dumb ass positive antidote of encouragement. I then loose total focus as I’m holding my breath to not explode. When the conversation comes back to me (20 minutes later), I tell him to just forget it and that I honestly don’t know what i was trying to say – which I don’t because i can’t remember the words i rehearsed in my mind to have this hard conversation. Then I end up apologizing so he won’t feel bad, but then he goes on and on for me to finish what i wanted to say – which is at this point: Shut Up I don’t know! Which only creates more self depracting thoughts of how uninteresting I must be not to mention just plain mean spirited. Medication isn’t helping right niw,and my dosage was just increased. I am not in good place to say the least. I am tired of apologizing 85xs a day for stupid crap. I want to scream: everyone just leave me alone, not look at me,dont give me advise and please just stop talking. I have lost my mind. I know this will pass – it aleays does, but until then … I need the space to push through the misery of the non-stop gut wrenching anxiety of feeling like the biggest looser in America with the messy desk, car overdue for an oil change by 3000 miles, baskets of hidden laundry, lost phone chargers, glasses, jewelry, credit cards, purse, keys, documents, everything … and the gut wrenching embarrassment of “light hearted ribbing” from well meaning friends for being ditzy. Ugh! I manage my ADD for most of the time but the chaosis back on steroids x’s a 100. Meantime, I am an educated, 50+, professional woman working for a high profile media firm : and nobody knows that it took me 3 hrs this morning to write 1 email or had a mini meltdown before heading into an anticipated meeting last week and that I am beyond frightened of a presentation I have to give in 2 weeks. I have zero clue what I’m wearing to work in the morning nor do I really care. You know how my morning is going to be now. 🙂 I dont knowe whats on my calendar tomorrow. It’s one breathless day at a time. Yep – pretty trivial stuff compared to people with real problems. But this time it hurts – i feel sick now. i can’t for the life of me figure out why my over the top organized military career bf patiently puts up with me. Sorry for the rant. I know what i got here but i am so done with it. Does anyone else go thru this?
May 15, 2018 at 5:01 pm #84316
“I am tired of apologizing 85xs a day for stupid crap. I want to scream: everyone just leave me alone, not look at me, dont give me advise and please just stop talking.”
Though I hear your pain, I also love hearing you. It means I’m not the only one. It means there are others out there that have real jobs, relationships, lives, yet there’s this struggle internally to keep it all together. Someone else’s head is swimming with a million ideas and solutions to all the world’s problems, but first you have to go stupid grocery shopping because there’s nothing to eat in the house, not that you want to freaking cook for the millionth time in your life, and do dishes yet again, and … OK, I digress …
My mantra, in my head, 80% of the time: “LEAVE ME ALONE!” I feel like I’m being dumped on all day long, but in reality I know that I don’t have any more to deal with than anyone else — and probably less. Yet I feel overwhelmed remembering everything I forgot to do, everything I actually WANT to do but can’t until I get this other crap out of the way, dealing with scattered, unfinished projects and messes — you mean I have to do laundry/vacuum/shower/cook/eat/get dressed/brush my teeth/feed the dog/make a hair appt./ … AGAIN?
And I too get so tired of apologizing, and “being the biggest loser in America.” I mean, how many times can you tell someone you’re sorry and think they’ll believe you? So at some point I have to babble on about being disorganized and good intentions, and make being a “ditz” funny, because if you don’t laugh at yourself, you’ll cry, all the time muttering to myself “I’m such an idiot,” but at the same time try and remember to be kind to myself, I’m just atypical, I’m special and creative and spontaneous … and while I believe that a lot of the time, I also too often think “Bulls***”
You also brought up work. When I have something like what you have looming (“beyond frightened of a presentation”), if I look closely, I can often trace my current anxiety to that one thing: Something that I need to do, that I want to do well, that I’m afraid of but know I have to do it anyway … that seems to be the source of so many of my episodes.
I can usually be on top of things at work, but it must take everything I have because there’s often nothing left for real life. Probably because I do a good job (other than somehow believing that a day late is on time, a week late is not too bad, and 2 weeks late is normal) but it often means spending 10 hours on a 2 hour project because I keep changing my mind on how to attack it. Not to mention the time I might spend formatting a document to get the lines straight, choosing fonts and colors, making charts or looking for images, when what I was supposed to be doing was writing a strategy document. AAAAAAAAACK!
You nailed it when you said: It’s one breathless day at a time.
Thank you for letting me rant right back at you. And to answer your question: Yes, at least one other person in this world goes through what you’re going through. And I bet we’re not the only two.
May 18, 2018 at 11:24 pm #84561
I am totally right there with you in all that! I know exactly how it feels to be so out of whack, and to want everyone to shut the hell up and leave you alone! And when people try to take the conversation in another direction while youre struggling to get the words out of your head, especially when there any emotion involved! Sheesh, its like ADHD makes us look like idiots and assholes at the same time but you know what? Everybody who cares about us or has seen us at our best (it happens more often than you think) knows that were are not idiotic assholes!
Our minds work differently and thats ok. So what if we take a long time to do things that other people do quickly? That just means we learn faster and can help other people learn too. And so what if we loose stuff and forget things? We are resourceful and resilient and can get by with “less than ideal” more easily than others.. because we’re used to it! Thats probably something your military husband loves about you, your resilience & resourcefulness!
We tend to be really hard on ourselves because no one really seems knows our potential but us, and that can be maddening! But you are NOT the biggest loser in the world, you are just a round peg trying to fit into a square hole. Dont be so hard on yourself! And I know, I know youre probably saying “but if Im not hard on myself, how will I motivate myself to do better?” like I do.. Well at a certain point, the anxiety that is caused by the shame an guilt you inflict on yourself contributes to your symptoms! For years an years I beat myself up to the point of being almost suicidal (thank god my son was here to keep me on this earth) and finally after I stopped looking at all the things I failed at and started really trying to focus on what was good about me, and what I had learned, and what I could DO with all that I had learned.
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