At a breaking point

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    • #113375

      I have been in a committed relationship with a man for 6 years. In his past he has been diagnosed with ADD. I think he may have executive function disorder. He is BRILLIANT. He has read more books than anyone I know and can speak at length on any topic that you throw out. He also makes incredible connections across schools of thought where others would not think there is a relation.

      I love this man deeply. He has made my life mystical and poetic and I have grown so much as a person because of him and our relationship. He is always up for anything and soothes me and supports me incredibly. I have been able to advance in my career because of his wind beneath my wings.

      To not be with him would be a terrible loss and it saddens me tremendously to think about life without him. At the same time, there are some things that are making me consider whether this can continue or not.

      In the six years we have been together, he has been unemployed or underemployed. I didn’t know it when we met but this has been a lifelong struggle for him. He cloaks it in philosophical terms, like he ‘doesn’t want to work for the man’ and ‘must do meaningful work’ which I can understand but the truth is that he doesn’t work for the man NOR does he pursue a particular passion and create his own thing. It’s because he CANNOT. I have watched the mental gymnastics that he goes through and how difficult he makes simple tasks, it is as if his brain cannot ever make things smaller and always must expand things.

      He also is a hoarder. I find immense collections of crumpled paper napkins, plastic bags, twist ties, and other debris. He also brings so many books into the house and is usually reading at least five of them at any time. He got quite angry when I suggested that we’d reached ‘peak book point’ and that if he brought any more home he would need to get rid of some.

      Lastly our sex life has gone really down hill and it seems he can’t get an erection and finish the job. It feels like a metaphor for his executive functioning stuff. He can’t muster what it takes to tackle something and can’t get it done.

      He is resistent to medication even though I have printed out the guide about all the newer medications that are available. He is resistent to counseling. He keeps buying time with me with this or that to avoid making any progress with a doctor or even with a discussion about things. He is more and more avoidant.

      As I mentioned, I adore this man. My life is so much better with him in it. But I also want our home to look a certain way (I’m no neat freak but some order…), I need him to contribute financially, and I want to make love!

      I would welcome any thoughts and I may share this post and the responses with him.

      • This topic was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by MelS.
      • This topic was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by Penny Williams.
    • #113733

      Hi Mel!:-)

      I wish I could offer some sound advice, however, all I have right now is the simple statement of “You’re not alone.” In fact, I’m wondering if we’re dating the same man!;-)

      Like you, I’ve been in this relationship for about 6 years. In those 6 years, I’ve been pushed to my absolute breaking point mentally. I’ve tried multiple strategies to cope, and have failed at more than I’ve succeeded at, but, here’s what’s worked for me (so far):

      Therapy – I have my own therapist. He helps me put things in perspective. He helps me understand. But most importantly, it’s my time. I can unload there.

      Boundaries – I didn’t even realize I had a hard time setting boundaries until I met this man. But in order to maintain some semblance of sanity, I needed to. At first, I think I just acted cold in order to get my personal space, but now I’m working to gently but firmly establish them. Mine comes along with a child, who also has ADHD – boundaries are critical.

      So far, that’s it, lol. My list of what does NOT work is longer – yelling at him, thinking I can change him, trying to change him, drinking…all of that? Nope. I hope this helps in some way – sending hugs!!:)

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