Spouse pretend I'm "normal" to his family

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Relationships Spouse pretend I'm "normal" to his family

Viewing 7 reply threads
  • Author
    • #116455

      I have talked with my spouse 10000 times about that he must talk to his family about my ADD and autism. Why? Because I’m almost never attending to all their family gatherings because it’s noisy and last forever and that makes me overly exhausted and last for days. Because my relationship with them are not so good cause we live so different I talked to my spouse what he could tell them about me. But everytime he talk to them he just answer “i dont know” if they ask if i will come along, never why things are so hard for me. I dont have that close relationship that i could text, email or call them myself, its also embarresing to me. I find this so frustrating and disrespectful but he says “i thought you would this and that” or that he will tell them last time, but he never does! I feel really mad at him for letting me have this by myself.

      What would you do? We been together for many years

    • #116475

      If it were me, I would call his mother and ask her to dinner at my house or to a restaurant some where. If you don’t feel comfortable with that have your man call and you both have his parents over or go some where. I would tell her how I really felt. Honestly I think you could explain it better than he could. I am sure his family is thinking all kinds of stuff. You can’t really be mad at him as I am sure even though you have told him what to say, he might be afraid that he might explain it wrong? I really think if you explain to his parents or whomever they will understand and not think its them.

    • #117487

      I think Angelacawein’s suggestion is good. Invite one or two of his family members for a quiet get-together. It doesn’t have to be a meal, it could be a hike, a drive, a board game, or anything you know they would enjoy. Maybe you don’t need to tell them about your conditions, you could just say you don’t feel good in large groups.

      If they try to reassure you that you needn’t worry and everything will be fine, just keep repeating, “no really, I can’t.” Practice saying this many times before you talk to them.

      If they live nearby, you could show up at their event for a short period, maybe half an hour. (This is assuming that you can handle being there for that long.) Or make a nice food contribution and drop it off before the party.

      Good luck!

    • #119249

      Aspie with ADHD and I’m recovering from my last burnout and it’s just getting worse with age. Family meetings are the absolute worst, although I have a nice family, bless them, so I decided that if my husband doesn’t support me I’m going to have to tell. He tried to argue that it’s because I’m thinking too much about it. I’m sort of in the same boat except I can’t tell anyone, I live in India and telling family will probably make things a hundred times worse, so only my husband knows, plus I’m not officially diagnosed (I just filled in a grocery list of symptoms and realised I have my limitations and a broken brain). My son has ADHD I guess I just have to accept it when people think I’m standoffish, lazy, cold, inconsiderate or selfish, it’s better than dealing with meltdowns or publicly embarrassing myself when it gets too much. Not much of a choice, so boundaries it is.

    • #119270

      Naturally one’s heart goes out to you especially if you have ADD as I do too. I think the first issue is the one that surrounds ‘shame’. there is too much of it around the inexplicable nature of ADHD and ADD. Both the sufferer and those around them who cannot get to terms with things like defiance, oppositional and other behaviours. Dealing with shame is something Brene Brown does very well in her books and in her YouTube events all available on YouTube. The minute you let shame out of the silence, shame cannot survive, (is what she says), cannot control you any further….shame dies, and you gain power over it. I won’t suggest a venue necessarily although that too is good. But to take power you have to articulate this issue with his family and a carefully worded letter or email should do it, and learn enough about your condition to carry on raising your own awareness of the condition and why this challenge makes you a very courageous, loveable and entitled human being. But you cannot in my opinion back down from learning that you should never let shame or its lesser brother guilt harm your hard fought self esteem and self worth….good luck

    • #119287

      I have ADD and have told a couple of family members but largely I havent told anyone, most friends and definately not work.
      The reason I dont is that there is a stigma around ADD. There are a few such as “it doesnt really exist” ” it’s an excuse for bad behaviour and poor performance” and even the drug use and leg up you may have from taking medication since those medications have a reputation for being abused by university students getting a boost from it and even if people do know they forget and are often not empathetic or understanding, telling them doesnt help and if anything makes things worse.
      But with your situation is it a case of your husband being embarrassed by you and your condition or does he think you will further stigmatized and marginalized by his family ? if he is embarrassed especially if you are not then that could be a problem. But if he feels he knows his family and telling them would make things worse for your relationship with them then I might agree with him.

      • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by kc1328.
    • #119409
      Leslie Den harder

      This conversation is crucial to your ongoing ability to manage your family situation with minimum stress so it is one you need to instigate yourself. Start small with the family member who is most likely to understand your position. Explain your issues with some backup by including copies of articles and a reference to this website. Tell your chosen family member that s/he is the fist to be receiving your explanation and the reasons for not coming to family get togethers. Once this person is clear move on to the next person. Tell #1 how you intend to proceed and seek their support for your plan. Ask that any areas of misunderstanding can be raised with you directly so you can address these directly. I am sure you will have allies that you are unaware of and your in-laws may understand more than you think. Doing this will allow you to feel some more stable control of your life. Go girl!!❤️

    • #122177

      Wow, just saw all responds, thank you so much lovely people!
      You all have good reasonable suggestions and whats been happening since last time is that my spouse talked more about me with them and they said they had understood that I have difficulties and were not taking it personally. We don´t live near each other so the chance for me to tell them myself is nearly impossible and if we gonna make them dinner it also means they have to stay over which is something i want to avoid (cause it causing me fatique). We dont get together often and i have the feeling they really dont care that much really that I feel its my job so explain this further. If I felt some real closeness I would definitely explain more but often when we get together their focus are mostly on themselves and their own lifes, not ours.

Viewing 7 reply threads

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.