June 28, 2017 at 3:04 pm #52062DiamontParticipant
Hi It’s my first time here, I have not been diagnosed as at this present moment its quite expensive for me to do so. But Inattentive ADD explains me and type of person I am. My relationships are strange at best and I tend to avoid alot of interaction as I constantly feel I havent completed what I need to complete.
But that is not what Im here to ask…
Can a relationship between add and clinicaly depresed person work?
Saying that its has been on and of relationship for nearly 2 years, the on and of was mostly due to me constantly panicking about all I haven’t done. And then feel guilty for ruined plans the whole story could take a while to explain. But he is one of the most beautiful and kind, creative people I have ever met.
He is trying to start a business that is not having a good start as im not doing my part that I promised… As I recently allowed everything to fall apart in my life and I don’t know where or how to start rebuilding… Also im horrible at expressing my emotions and talking so it all adds to the complexity.
I don’t know how to deal with life I feel I should make it work but since I its the area that i like…
Questions are welcome..
June 28, 2017 at 7:00 pm #52095sloveland7Participant
First of all i think if you feel like you have adhd then you probably do. Also following “how to deal with adhd” help books and such will not hurt you but will still help you even if you don’t have adhd.
I myself, too, am in a same relationship. My ex boyfriend, but i still love him, has depression and i have adhd. We are on and off also. So i know a little of what Yourgoing through. I don’t really have any advice.but i do wish we made more time for couples theoropy. We have been off and on for 8years. There is hope.your relationship might be better than ours. I hope this helps you.feel free to all minds questions.I’m not sure if I’ll be able to see them right away but ask any way. I want to be able to help you more which was my intention but i don’t have much advice since my relationship is not working. But at least you can feel like your not alone. We are not alone in this.
June 28, 2017 at 8:25 pm #52097AnneHWParticipant
I wonder what it is about ADD/ADHD and being attracted to people who have problems? You’re going to do what you’re going to do, no matter what anyone else tells you, so I’ll just give you my experience.
ADHD runs in my family, but no one knew what it was. My dad had a pretty severe case, although he was responsible and took care of us. Fortunately, my mom was strong and reliable, so I think that made a huge difference.
I felt bad about myself because my relationships with people were so spotty. It was especially true with men. I had a nice boyfriend in high school, and I’m sorry to say that I wasn’t all that nice to him. Frankly, I was bored. Then I left home and met a man I fell in love with because he was controlling. I felt like I needed that; I needed someone who wasn’t going to put up with my crap. Unfortunately, he was also psychologically abusive, which really played into my insecurities. I left him when I met another man who seemed to really be “into” me. He was everything my ex wasn’t, but he was also an alcoholic. And before long, he was being physically abusive.
Fortunately, I had a lot of perseverance, and I knew I wanted more for myself. I ended up meeting a really nice man who is caring, kind and although everyone has “something,” he’s pretty darn normal. Let me tell you how much easier my life is because I’m not dealing with my issues and his! I’m not saying your boyfriend is a bad guy because he is dealing with depression. I get depressed on a regular basis, so my heart goes out to him. However, you are two people trying to have a relationship and struggling with your own stuff.
You guys will have to decide if this is going to work for you. I lasted about 5-8 years with each of my ex husbands, and it did not EVER get better. I’ve been with my husband for 30 years now, and despite my personal setbacks, he loves me, he’s supportive and I am eternally grateful.
I think people with ADD/ADHD are smart and very sensitive. If you can find happiness with this person, then go for it. But you need to know that being in a relationship is not about drama. Yes, it takes a certain amount of work no matter who you are with. But you don’t have to feel like it’s that difficult. I’m 65 in August, and I can tell you life is SHORT! It goes by so quickly you almost want to kick yourself for the time you’ve wasted. But I also know that you cannot tell another person what to do or how to feel. Whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness.
June 29, 2017 at 6:52 am #52132jdinaltParticipant
Hi there. This is my first post and I too strongly suspect that I have ADHD, but as of yet, I am yet undiagnosed. This particular thread caught my attention as I am currently in the middle of a divorce and I believe my inattentive type ADHD and my partner’s clinical depression were major factors leading up to the breakup.
I’m not going to tell you that it can’t work out; I believe that it can, but it’s not going to be easy. Both partners need to understand each others strengths and weaknesses and show a great deal of patience and compassion toward the other’s conditions.
I wish I would have been made aware of the likelihood that I had ADHD sooner. At least half of our relationship issues were classic ADHD relationship issues.The constantly late bill payments, forgetting things I had promised to do on the way home, drifting off while he was speaking to me, forgetting things I had agreed to do altogether, chronically arriving home late (the result of my inability to gauge time), constantly misplacing things. All of these factors resulted in a sense of distrust. He believed that I was doing these things intentionally because I did not care about him.
On the other side of the coin, it felt like that no amount of effort to please him was ever enough. There was never gratitude shown for the things that I did do; only criticism, nagging, lectures, and demands to try harder.
This is where my story diverges from the typical ADHD relationship patter. Typically, the other person picks up the slack and burns out from taking on all of the responsibilities. My partner was depressed all of the time time. I’ll get to that more in a moment, but the net result was that he stayed home all day and did not take on any of the domestic responsibilities himself. I was the one who had to bring in the income, pay the bills, do the grocery shopping, and maintain the household. I was the one who felt burned out from having to deal with everything, while he just sat around the house and criticized my failures. I was constantly asking myself, “How have I become the responsible one?”
Over the past eight years or so my partner has been sinking further and further into depression. More or less constant dysthymia, ever more frequent bouts of major depression, and a sprinkling of anxiety symptoms thrown in for good measure. I’m personally very familiar with both dysthemia and GAD, as I have had issues with both myself in the past, but not nearly as severe as the issues he has.
The largest obstacle to his recovery is himself. He refuses to acknowledge that there is anything wrong or that anything had changed about him over the years. He was to the point of almost never leaving the house, he was in dreadful and nasty mood all of the time, he was alienating more and more of his social connections (he barely had any friends left and he did not want to try and make any new ones), his sleep schedule was all over the place, and the worst part is that he refused to seek treatment.
I finally had enough about a year ago and threatened to leave him if he did not seek help. We both attended weekly couples counseling for the next nine months and he started taking antidepressants. I think the antidepressants helped a little bit, but not much; he was unwilling to try changing his medication and he was not taking the therapy sessions seriously. He liked the way we was and did not want to change anything about it.
In the end, I just could not take it anymore and we separated. I still love him dearly and am doing my best to provide support. I’m encouraging a return to therapy, but I don’t think he’s going to get any better until he wants to do it for himself. At this point, things are pretty rocky. He says that he can’t trust me anymore, citing the ADHD like symptoms above, so I have very little influence on where he goes from here.
It think it may have helped if I had been aware of ADHD as a likely source of my symptoms. I think having an explanation like that would have gone a long way towards him understanding that I was not doing these things intentionally. It’s hard to say how much of a difference it would have made to the ultimate outcome.
I’m planning on seeking out someone specializing in adult ADHD for myself — but there’s that whole procrastination thing. 😛
I don’t know talking about my experience helps, but I’m hoping it’s useful to someone out there.
June 29, 2017 at 11:44 am #52154Penny WilliamsKeymaster
Relationships are hard. Relationships with ADHD are even harder.
It sounds to me like your focus on thinking you’ve let your partner down is what leads to relationship problems. Your partner may be more understanding than you are with yourself, and not feel like you’ve let him down at all. Communication is key for relationships with ADHD:
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
June 29, 2017 at 1:16 pm #52162DiamontParticipant
Thank you for all the great replies it surely helps to see that I’m not the only odd one out.
The major problem is my lack of communication and difficulty saying what I want to say at the right time but we both contribute to the chaos… There is an element of him thinking I do everything on purpose and there is element of him thinking I want things my way just based on how I come across…
Despite his depression he does not let it get to him. And was trying to help me get over mine but at this present moment Im accumulated so much guilt over problems I created, everything feels overwhelming and Im lost as to where to start on top of it became quite avoidant of everything. I have exaggerated my social anxiety to a bad level. Ontop of that I kind of internalise my emotions to a very large extent as it takes less energy. But creates problems in the long term unfortunately
Im party the one that went downhill as I got myself in to an area of work that is not my strength and kept going out of sense of guilt for all the things I haven’t done while I planed to finish everything and move on to working on my strengths I just felt defeated by everything and snapped after half a year of chaos… Now it’s been a strange time and I don’t know where to start…
Regards the relationship there has been so many strange experiences that have been understood as breakups (all steming from my emotional over whelming mind) that it is not even funny
I have experienced great difficulty learning from my mistakes when Im stressed I revert to my old panic inside silently habit…
Regardless if the relationship will keep going or not Im glad I know him I just wish I realised/dealt with my issues and insecurities soner as we had a potential to be great together.. I just sadly kept stopping that potential
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