August 15, 2017 at 11:45 am #57342Angie_HParticipant
The solar eclipse mania is driving home to me the issues I have with my husband’s impulsiveness and poor planning skills. This leads me to ask how others deal with these. If I want to do something, and I try to get my husband to discuss and make plans, he usually is willing, but ‘not now’. Then I follow up again and again until I decide it’s less stressful to NOT do the thing than to get him to make plans with me. If I try to make plans without involving him, that is not ok, and we often end up arguing.
Last year we planned a vacation, and the only thing we did was buy the plane tickets. It was not until I threatened to cancel our flights that he agreed to choose places to see so that we could plan some sort of itinerary, rent a car, and book some hotels. By the time we went on the trip, we had hotels for about half of it. For the second half, we booked each night for the next day. This limited our choices, so we stayed at some not-so-great places in terms of location, price, and quality of the room. At least we did not spend any nights sleeping in the rental car. This year we again have only our plane tickets, and I expect it will be pretty much the same.
Back to the eclipse: We did not book a flight or hotel. We did that this past weekend, with great difficulty, and then we found there were no rental cars within an hour of the city where we planned to fly. So then we had to cancel the flights and the room. A flight to a location closer to home was $240 when I first researched this a few months ago; now it’s almost $900 each. We decided to drive (10+ hours, not considering traffic may be heavy). The only hotel I could find was an hour from the ‘totality band’. It’s not a great place, but we booked it for one night. They have no rooms for the next night, so we may drive straight home Monday afternoon or look along the way for a hotel. We’ve done this sort of thing in the past, and my husband has been unwilling to stop at some reasonable point in the trip and decide where to stay. He just keeps driving until he’s too tired to continue, then we drive from hotel to hotel wherever we happen to be, trying to book a room on the spot. Or I get on the phone while he keeps driving, then I find the nearest hotel with an available room is behind us.
Now that we decided to see the eclipse, it’s almost impossible to get solar viewing glasses, and my husband is driving me crazy to find some. To please him I have spent time on this, and we managed to get a couple of cheap pairs. He wanted more, found some expensive ones on the internet, then didn’t place the order. Now he’s driving me nuts to get some for family members who will stay at home and are perfectly fine with watching it on TV or the internet. He wants to build an elaborate viewing box for them; a simple pinhole box is not good enough. This will displace other things and keep us in an uproar over the next few days. When he does these over-the-top things, then he’s hurt that we don’t appreciate what he’s doing for us – things we didn’t want in the first place, and that create chaos for the whole family with his nagging and charging around looking for things around the house or to buy. Everything else gets put on hold.
This is my life with my husband. I want to make plans. He won’t commit; he won’t accept me making the plans without him. Then we are in a big last minute uproar. Can anyone share how you deal with such impulsiveness and refusal to commit to plans? Personal experiences, please, about what works and does not work for you.
August 20, 2017 at 11:58 am #58393Penny WilliamsKeymaster
The ADHD brain is motivated by interest and urgency, not importance like a neurotypical brain. So, it’s likely he needs the last-minute urgency to really focus on it.
ADDitude Community Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism
August 22, 2017 at 4:30 pm #58549gentlygenliParticipant
Your husband is disabled but also selfish and inconsiderate. These are not mutually exclusive. My husband and I are both ADHD–my psychiatrist called mine the worst she’d seen in an adult in many years.
I plan the vacations. I do it in two ways. First, I prepare everything AT ONE TIME. All flights, hotels, sightseeing plans, back up choices, etc, are made in one fell swoop–this gets me when it’s fresh and exciting and I can also hyper focus. I’m not allowed (by me) to do just one part. When the vacation date is really close and I’m in the last-minute panic, I review the plans and make whatever changes are needed. The last international trip that needed passport renewals and visas was pretty horrible to manage because of all the DIFFERENT deadlines and requirements. But this approach makes domestic trips easy.
This is also how we plan for family weekend activities. I sit down once every 6 months and hyper focus on getting one fun local activity per month on the calendar–and I buy any needed tickets right away (Will Call is GREAT). Now all I have to do is just show up because everything is done.
My husband has pulled what your husband pulls–just ONCE with the family. We had a conversation one night when we were booking a very expensive hotel and I was frantically trying to decide what to do about how bad this was. Either he had to step up in PLENTY of time or I would schedule all the details of our future vacations. He agreed that he’d majorly messed up. So now we decide where to go together, and he doesn’t even pretend that he will make arrangements. I present him with a rough itinerary, he approves it, and I go off that and enter the details on my Travefy account, which he can see when he finally decides that it’s time to think about going somewhere.
If you can’t work together, my suggestions are to buy travel packages, tours, cruises, or pick places where you can work well spur of the moment (Vegas or a National Park or a resort–once you have your airplane tickets and lodgings, you can play by ear). The final alternative is to take separate vacations.
The current situation is unacceptable.
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