Should u forgive even if your ADHD friend hurt you badly?

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    • #91415
      kris2per
      Participant

      We’ve been good friends for two years. Suddenly he found a girlfriend and that’s nice and all. But all of the sudden things changed.

      Almost felt like being pushed aside and in a demonstrative kind of way. I first met this girlfriend of his when we were suppose to hang out with friends and watch a movie. But since we were the only one going into the movie, he suddenly invite the GF. All they did the entire time was canoodle till the movie ended that was just the beginning of everything.

      After that was a frequently flurry of trying to invite me on things and suddenly dropping the whole affair like its nothing. The last time he did it was, when he was about to leave for training for his new work. Again w/ the frequent pattern of inviting and dropping it. So I said NO! And begged for it for like 2 hrs worth. I relented because he said it was for therapy. After I said yes he kept showing me people he met while dropping his frequent invite to hand out on messenger. On the day and time on the meet up he “forgot” he had this family hang out. And said “hehe sori!” which w/ all the pardon the word BULLSHIT, I had to put up w/ this person.

      After that we haven’t SEEN each other for like 3 months! Afterwards he invited us friends to dinner and they weren’t too comfortable since we suspected that they might just end up being 3rd wheels and have to see a full show of lip smacking. Just recently he said that he was gonna send in fruits and then he forgot and two days later showed up in my office personally sending it.

      I’m sorry I’m just human after all that, I didn’t FEEL like taking it. There was no sorry, not in the any sincere manner anyways. Most of the fruits were close to over ripped I had to throw them. I didn’t smile, I just said THANK U! I gave him an unhappy looked, he returned the favor, which is pretty rich from someone who literally treated me like a doormat.

      Am I wrong for not being nice at a very nice gesture? Should I forgive on something he didn’t feel he wronged people? Am I suppose to accept the territory that being friends w/ this person is be a doormat?

    • #91421
      JBoom
      Participant

      First and foremost, have you given clearly articulated feedback to him about how his behavior effects you? Passive aggressiveness (the unhappy look) is not very effective, and often produces the opposite of what we think it will. No one can read minds, and not everyone’s mind thinks the same way (especially the ADHD mind).

      People with ADHD often have a hard time with empathy. He may not be aware that he’s hurting you if you haven’t clearly said so, with no ambiguity. Clearly lay out your needs, and listen to his needs as well (*you* might be missing something too). Once that conversation is had, if you still feel like he’s not willing to work at being sensitive to your needs, then you can properly evaluate whether or not to continue with the friendship.

    • #91493
      kris2per
      Participant

      I have spoken to him about the issue. I think he knows he shat on me and is avoiding all manner and forms of proper communications. He doesn’t wanna meet when he doesn’t wanna meet.

      I tried telling him about the issue, he just made an excuse that he’s “depressed”. Like someone who constantly wants to make up w/ his GF “depressed”? Oh yeah these days when I tried communicating w/ him, I only get a minimum of two replies after which is just a set seen zones on messenger. So YEAH I don’t think communicating works so forgive me if I just gave him an unhappy face look because I literally see no point.

      He KNOWS, he’s not a MENSA level genius if he can barely put logic to his actions. He’s just an AHOLE! And btw it’s a friendship, I can’t possibly demand for anything on it. O yeah I might be missing something but trust me I wouldn’t go all the way up to this level of shittyness.

      • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by kris2per.
    • #91521
      kris2per
      Participant

      Should I be brutally honest? Should I call him out everytime he invites us “friends” that he might forget or prioritize his GF and his “new friends”?

    • #91580
      yolagnes
      Participant

      The ADHD brain is not wired like a regular brain. That’s the first thing you need to understand. He is likely oblivious to what you are feeling and even if you told him it may not make a difference. Why? Because the ADHD brain is driven by interest… meaning whatever grabs his attention at the moment has his full interest, UNTIL the next thing surfaces, and so on and so on. He’s not intentionally being mean. That’s just the way he’s built. Of course, that doesn’t make things any better for you. Your question was should I forgive? Of course you should, not for him, but for yourself. You don’t need to carry that unnecessary pain. But if it’s hurting you so much, then this is not a friendship that is going to be good for you, because he is not going to respond the way you expect or would like him to respond because, well, he just can’t. Move on and find someone you are more compatible with.

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