Shame/lack of trust about having a crush

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    • #105696
      Ella C
      Participant

      Hello I’m a college student and have had this issue pretty much my whole life and was wondering is anyone else has had a similar experience and/or had any advice for me.

      Since I was a little kid I have always been very secretive about crushes. I never told friends, my parents or anyone. Even when I was older I had the same issue. Like I feel ashamed and like I have to hide the fact that I like someone. I had my first boyfriend in my late teens, but only after crushing on him for over a year. The only reason the relationship started is because he told me he liked me first. (This relationship ended 2 years ago btw). I learned a lot through that relationship but yet I still have this same issue.

      Now Im in college and really have fallen for this guy, but I still don’t know how to handle the situation or what to say.

      I think part of the reason I have always hidden these things is due to my having ADD. I know I can be impulsive and say things I regret to the wrong people, so to prevent this I don’t tell anyone anything at all.

      The problem is, I’m an adult now. But I still don’t know how to distinguish from my desire to say something from me just being impulsive to it being something I actually need to say.

    • #105822
      Bert
      Participant

      So glad I’m not the only one with this. I was writing a response, but it was turning into an essay, so I stopped to reevaluate.

      Maybe your answer is in your last sentence, but I’m going to add a bit to maybe bring some perspective:
      Just being impulsive vs. need to say vs. think I can/should say.
      Blurting something Don’t get in your What you said in
      isn’t always bad but vs. car there’s a vs. class made me think
      can be humiliating. pool of gas!! about this in a
      different way…

      About my crushes:
      Some last mere moments and turn out to be creeps. Some turn out to be inappropriate (otherwise taken, way too young). Some last longer and evolve into good friendships.

      • #105834
        Ella C
        Participant

        Thanks for the response!

        Lol yes I have had many crushes where I’m glad I didn’t say anything. Most turned out to either be jerks. Or just kinda odd.

        I’m super torn on this one because it’s different. Most of my crushes in the past I don’t really know the guy, while with this one we are actually super good friends.

        So I’m torn because I know him so well and I feel like we have a special connection, but i don’t want to lose the friendship we have. 🙈

    • #105837
      Bert
      Participant

      Oh…the computer moved my spaces! For anyone else out there who didn’t “get” my odd paragraph:
      Blurting something (isn’t always bad but can be embarrassing)
      vs. Need to say something (“Don’t get in your car, there’s a pool of gas!”)
      vs. Can/should say something (“What you said in class made me think…in a different way.”)

      Ella, I hope you get a lot of responses! It is a great topic.

    • #105838
      Spaceboy 99
      Participant

      I used to get the same thing, primarily due to the fact I was bullied something awful. My logic was that if I like a girl, and someone else finds out, they’ll make fun of her. If SHE finds out about it, then SHE will hate me, because me liking her is a short route to her getting bullied. So, the only chance I ever had to get a girl to like me was to never, ever tell her about it.

      I managed to break this cycle by using what I call ‘the dynamite technique’.

      It is based on the wisdom of Mary Cooper from The Big Bang Theory- “You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water? Well I’m done fishin’.”

      Basically, there comes a point in every crush where rejection will hurt LESS than the accumulated tension you bear from not telling your crush about the crush. At that time, it is wise to just ‘throw a stick of dynamite in the water’, and just tell them about it. To force yourself to throw the stick, start with the phrase “hey, there’s something I need to tell you…”. Once you’ve said that, you’re already committed- you can’t take it back, so you then HAVE to tell them you like them.

      If you’re me, you’ll probably get rejected. Quite a lot. But uncertainty is more painful than rejection, and it’s better to find out that you’re barking up the wrong tree, than to waste months mooning after someone who is never going to be interested in you. But then, the one time it DOES work, and that person likes you too, then the risk pays off, no matter how many rejections you’ve received in the past. The last relationship I threw dynamite at was successful. She left me in the end, but that entire set of experiences is what led me to my CURRENT relationship. Now I’m getting married in 9 months 🙂

      This is what worked for me, but if you have rejection sensitive dysphoria, you may well disagree with my ‘rejection is better than uncertainty’, but it’s the best technique I have to offer. I hope this helps 🙂

      • #105842
        Ella C
        Participant

        Congrats on your wedding!!!! 😊 good advice too.

        I had a similar fear of being bullied or causing someone to be bullied. I’ve also never really had close friends I trusted before.

        I do want to have some sort of smidge of evidence this guy might like me back before going all out. I dunno I am kinda insecure I guess and I have trouble with feeling accepted even when I am 😜

        Did you ever ease into “throwing the stick of dynamite” with people?

      • #105849
        Spaceboy 99
        Participant

        Thanks ^^

        What I tended to do with the whole dynamite thing was gradually try to spend more and more time with the individual. Gradually try to increase the level of casual physical contact, in a completely non-sleazy way. Go to different places with them, different events, cook for them, etc. To start off with, if they agree to all this stuff, it’s a good sign that they like you at least as a friend 😛 Try to read each and every possible sign. Then, at the point where the pain of uncertainty becomes too much, throw the dynamite, no matter what signs you do or don’t have. It was easier for me, because that level of uncertainty LITERALLY makes me ill. So around the time my stomach started doing an impression of a fire hose was usually the time I had to tell the girl 😛

        I don’t know if I eased into it (adhd isn’t really conducive to easing into anything :P), but I know I went a good… 22 years without doing it. Thinking about it, those two years since I started were actually the most successful in my dating life. Then I hit my current relationship, and you know the rest 🙂

        To be fair, I don’t know if you CAN ease into it. The whole point of the dynamite technique is to STOP trying to ease into things and just getting it over with 😛 I mean, don’t get me wrong, you kind of have to tailor the dynamite to the individual. There was a Japanese girl I got into a relationship with. She was really shy, but sweet, and I couldn’t just BLURT all my feelings. So, instead, I asked her what she thought of me. Then I said I really liked her. Like, a lot. Then I asked her if she maybe liked me more than a friend, to which the answer was yes. I still threw dynamite at the problem, in the sense that I committed myself to a course of action, but this took place over 2-3 minutes instead of 5 seconds, and the whole entire date had been leading to that moment. We’d gone to see a choir (because Christmas), gone for a walk in the moonlight, then wandered into a nice little pub and found a corner seat that kind of squished us together, and played chess for a little while. Then the confession 😛 It does help a lot to make the evening you plan to throw the dynamite extra-romantic if possible.

        Any more questions, you just let me know 🙂

      • #105864
        Ella C
        Participant

        Ok cool! I’ve been trying to be more open and out there in other areas of my life and I do think it makes me happier. Your advice helps a lot!

      • #105866
        Spaceboy 99
        Participant

        Awesome 🙂

        Ask for help anytime ^^

    • #105840
      Bert
      Participant

      Spaceboy 99: Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

      I keep forgetting about the RSD… had that forever.

      Rejection IS better than uncertainty. “Be a fool!” It is better to do anything than nothing. Any artist who shares their work, Thomas Edison, SETI (Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence) members, a toddler giving his mommy a dandelion…

      Take the bull by the horns and rip ’em right off!

    • #105845
      Bert
      Participant

      Throw an impromptu “When Harry Met Sally” New Year’s party? (I seem to be in a Billy Crystal mood. Yes, I’m older…)

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